The Manhattan Infidel's Guide to the U.S. Default

Remain calm!  All is well!Note:  Between the time of the writing of this post and the publishing thereof, a compromise plan may have been found that will increase the debt ceiling while significantly reducing spending.  But, since I plan to spend most of my time between now and then drunk and will wake up Tuesday morning in an alleyway, naked except for one sock, a chihuahua licking my testicles and the word “whore” written in lipstick on my forehead I probably will be in no shape to rewrite this post.  So here it goes.

  • The average American will have nothing to fear from a potential default.  Unless, of course your entire life’s saving is tied up in worthless U.S. paper money.   But I am confident that my readers wouldn’t be that stupid.  We’ve all converted our 401Ks and IRAs to gold?  Right?  If you have then carry on with your life as normal.  If however you are still being paid in our worthless fiat currency, then read on.
  • Join a street gang.  This will come in very handy.  There is protection in numbers and with the power grid now shut off your gang can roam the streets attacking other gangs and stealing their fuel.  Your new street gang will need a tough, macho name that will intimidate, such as “Hell’s Assassins” “The Disembowelers”  and “The Warren Buffetts.”  My gang will be called “The Alan Aldas.” We will rule the street through fear, assassination and our sensitivity to a woman’s feelings but mostly through our sensitivity to a woman’s feelings.
  • Zombies can be useful allies.  With the power grid shut down, food scarce and/or rotten you may notice an upsurge in the zombie population. Do not be alarmed!  Zombies have street cred and can be useful working security for you. By offering them raw meat (perhaps puppies, babies or a captured rival gang member) you will win their loyalty.
  • Befriend botanists and the Chinese but mostly the Chinese.  With our cities in flames you will need to retreat to the countryside. Find a botanist, enslave him and have him rummage for nonpoisonous plants to eat.  Once you know which plants are safe you can kill the botanist.  Unless your botanist is Chinese.  In the new post default world order the Chinese will decide who lives and who dies.  So be nice to them.  But don’t let them see you naked because once they realize their penises are small they will be pissed.
  • Pigs pigs pigs! They are loyal pets and in a pinch can substitute for a wife. They also can be used to strap small IEDs to their bodies.  Chances are a rival gang will want a pet pig as well.  Let the now-armed pig enter their compound and, once inside, detonate it.  Besides killing your enemies this will provide bacon strips. Lots of bacon strips. The world may have gone to hell but that’s no reason not to enjoy delicious bacon!
  • Direct TV.  Our cities have burned to the ground, our financial system has collapsed, food is scarce, zombies may be your allies but you don’t want to miss a chance to see the lovely Erica Cerra starring  in Eureka on the Syfy channel.

Just because our financial system has collapsed is no reason to miss Eureka

And there you have it readers.  Follow my advice and you will have nothing to fear.  Except from my gang The Alan Aldas.  We kick ass.  And we’re sensitive.  Very sensitive.  We are a new breed of sensitive ass kickers.  So beware.



15 Responses

  1. As long as my gang–The PowderPuff Wimpodites–gets Erica Cerra, all will be well.

  2. Karen Howes says:

    I especially like the Zombie idea– they can come in very handy for eating the brains of our enemies.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: This means war! Only my gang gets Erica.

    KH: Eating brains? Is that another name for socialism?

  4. While you are making plans for your gang, I’m studying Chimese. Kung-Po chicken anybody?

  5. Matt says:

    I like bacon!

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Just don’t let the Chinese see you naked.

    Matt: Baconite!

  7. Sean says:

    Karen Howes: If your enemies are Democrats your zombies will starve. I suggest you re-think your plan.

  8. Sean says:

    Shamus: My gang, The Promiscuous Squirrels, will fight your gang for Erica Cerra.

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Sean: Good point about the Democrats. And only my gang gets Erica. I saw her first!!!

  10. I live in the country. I have guns, a garden, and acreage. I have 4-year old who already knows that Keynes was wrong, Hayek was right, and the folks in Washington can be always be trusted to do the wrong thing.

    Oh, and no need to fight over Erica. She’s coming to my place for steaks on the grill and a cold homebrew!

  11. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Ct, CT: I saw Erica first. She’s coming home with me.

  12. MI: Rock, paper, scissors for Erica?

  13. MK says:

    “Once you know which plants are safe you can kill the botanist.”

  14. MK says:

    “Once you know which plants are safe you can kill the botanist.”

    No, no wait, don’t kill the botanist, can’t they grow stuff for you? If not, i’m sure they’ll learn it very quickly to remain ‘useful’.

  15. Manhattan Infidel says:

    CT: Yes, let’s settle this as adults.

    MK: Now that you mention it, the botanist can be useful.

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