Dateline March 22, 1765. Ye Olde New York Times
The passage of the Stamp Act by our most glorious and liberal Parliament in London has embroiled these colonies in controversy. And, in the opinion of Ye Olde New York Times, a needless, unnecessary and manufactured controversy engineered by conservative, selfish businessmen who, in contravention of all good, do not wish to see their taxes raised.
Since Britain’s victory in the late war over France, a Catholic kingdom we remind our readers, our enlightened, Protestant and liberal King George has kept troops stationed here in the colonies for our own protection and security. Garrisoning troops in these colonies is not cheap and is estimated to cost the Crown £225,000 per year. In addition prosecuting the war has raised the debt to £156,000,000.
Yet, despite these facts, a class of extremist conservatives object to raising revenue or increasing our debt ceiling.
We here at Ye Olde New York Times find opposition to this necessary revenue enhancement Act unconscionable.
We once again remind our readers of the many benefits of protection by the state. Our leaders after all, being more knowledgeable than the average person have the awful responsibility of doing what’s in our best interest, whether we agree with them or not.
We also wish to remind our readers of the many benefits of increased taxation. Increased revenues provide for the accouterments of the modern nation state. Increased revenues provide for the bond of Christian charity as the extra income can be used towards much needed entitlement programs.
We also ask our readers to take a good look at the so-called opposition, which is nothing more than a band of small, angry conservative extremists. Selfish men. Businessmen like Samuel Adams of Massachusetts. Why Mr. Adams what do you plan to do with your extra income? At some point Mr. Adams you must ask yourself if you have made enough money. It is time for Mr. Adams and his ilk to give back to the state what rightfully belongs to it: Namely their extra income.
We here at Ye Olde New York Times are confident that our readers agree with us and that they represent the solid, liberal, loyal majority.
The Editorial Board of Ye Old New York Times
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Adams, is just another typical fat cat.
In all these years Ye Old New York Times has not learned any other tune. No wonder their circulation is in the toilette.
Testin: It’s always the fat cat businessmen who don’t see the beauty of socialism.
Jim: In the toilet? that’s rather a good figure for the times.
“Christian charity”?
That was the last time Ye Olde New York Times mentioned teh Jeebus cult in a positive light.
Ye Old New York Times can take thine editorial, and insert it hastily into Ye Old Posterior Orifice.
Wow. Shamus. Matt. Such hostility to ye olde paper of record. Deserved hostility of course.
“We here at Ye Olde New York Times are confident that our readers agree with us and that they represent the solid, liberal, loyal majority.” Put a * in there somewhere and at the bottom –
*Not that we give a damn what the readers think anyway.