A black bear traveling with her cubs mauled a 17-year old boy participating in a outdoor survival class. The teen was part of a new “green” outdoor survival course where, instead of being armed with a knife and other instruments of survival while looking for their own food, participants are sent out into the wilderness with only a copy of Rachel Carson’s “Silent Spring” and the knowledge of their own moral superiority and oneness with nature.
Participants are also advised not to kill or eat any meat during the course as “meat is murder.” Their only food is to be plants.
“Yes, we know plants live and feel too, but they are green so it’s okay” said a representative for the outdoor survival class.
Unfortunately for the teen boy in question the survival class failed to warn him about the many poisonous plants in the wild. Having eaten several and also used them as makeshift toilet paper the boy was left with severe and painful rashes on his mouth and anus as well as a fever of 102 degrees. This left the boy disorientated when he encountered the black bear.
According to the green outdoor survival network field guide, when a human encounters a bear they are to open their arms in a gesture of friendship and say, “Hello bear. I am your friend. I too am alarmed by the destruction of nature.’
The boy had just enough time to say “Hello bear” when the black bear grabbed him and took his head into his mouth. Instead of completing the greeting the boy finished the sentence with “My god he’s eating me!’
The green outdoor survival class places the blame for the attack squarely on the boy.
Unfortunately he responded in a racist manner. He assumed that just because the bear was black and had his head in his mouth he was going to harm him. It’s no wonder the bear became angry. It was his black bear rage.
The boy was flown to the nearest hospital, which pronounced him racist and transferred him to a poorer hospital.
When asked by reporters who he felt the boy responded, “Jesus how do you think I feel. A black bear tried to eat me. What? Oh, I’m sorry. I meant a bear of color.”
When the 17-year old becomes well enough to leave the hospital he will be transferred to a three-week intensive anti-racism camp.
As for attack itself a spokesman for the survival course said:
Teens do this all the time. They fake bear attacks so they don’t have to do their homework. I just hope those in the conservative blogosphere won’t use this as an opportunity to condemn all bears of color. I mean you want violent bears, let’s talk about the polar bear! Yeah, that’s right. The white bear is way more violent.
The bear in question has been awarded $500,000 and a Prius for his pain and suffering.
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The boy probably used his survival training and applied honey to the rash ravaged areas of his body. The bear wasn’t attacking the boy; she was just trying to get a little honey.
Jim: Exactly. The bear was misunderstood the boy jumped to the wrong conclusion.
“Bear” is also a label used for a certain subset of the homersexual culture. (Not that I’m, like, an expert on that or anything.) But I do sense some homerphobia in this kid and suggest he get more treatment.
He needs sensitivity training. Perhaps four months of watching mulitcultrualism film strips will fix the poor, misguided lad.
Inn: This kid is a monster!
CT: OK, but I aint’ gonna be the one who sits by the projector having to advance the film every time I hear the beep!
Re-education is the only answer to violence. Just ask Stalin.
Shamus: Stalin was very progressive. And he could dance better than Churchill. No wait, that was Roosevelt.
Actually, Stalin would have shot the kid, as an example to others that discriminate against bears of color.
Matt: Yes, Stalin was a brutal dictator. But he had a cool mustache.
Have you seen Werner Herzog’s “Grizzly Man”? Probably the best documentary that came out of Hollywood in the last decade.
EOTS: Was that the movie about Timothy Treadwell? Yea. Idiot got what he deserved.
“I meant a bear of color.”
I thought the correct term was african-american.
“The bear in question has been awarded $500,000 and a Prius for his pain and suffering.”
All well and good, but has someone officially apologized to the bear?
M.I.: Are you sure the curriculum wasn’t updated by substitution ofEarth in the Balance for Silent Spring?