Many of my readers ask me, “Manhattan Infidel, will my arrest for public lewdness jeopardize my job as a high school guidance counselor?”

Absolutely not!  It happens to me all the time.  Just remember to tell the police that the Crisco oil was for demonstration purposes only.

Others tell me, “Manhattan Infidel if loving Mickey Rooney is wrong I don’t want to be right!”

I’m not here to judge.

Still others ask me, “Manhattan Infidel, my wife doesn’t understand me.  Is there some way that she can understand what I really mean when I say things?”

I know what you mean.  Just the other day I said to my woman, “300 dollars is a lot for one hour don’t you think?”  She took that to mean that I wanted her to leave.  What I actually meant by that was “Stay in that position while I get the Crisco oil and the camcorder.”

To help prevent further misunderstandings between the male and the female of the species I now present for the first time The Manhattan Infidel Guide to Man-Speak.  Readers, feel free to share this with your women.

If a man says “Hand me the remote”  what he actually means is:

1. Hand me the remote
2. Your butt is not fat
3. Let’s have sex now.  I’ll get the Crisco oil

Now many woman might say “2” but the correct answer is “3.”  Your man is inviting you to engage in oily acts of reproduction.

If a man says “Let me drive” what he actually means is:

1.  You look beautiful with the wind blowing through your hair
2. When we get back home help me find the remote
3. When we get back home let’s have sex

Now many women hope it means “1” but the correct response is “3”.  Your man is inviting you to have sex with him.  And he wants you to wear the French maid outfit.  And call him “Mr. Big.”  And he’s going to film it.  Though “2” is always a possibility if the remote is in fact lost.

If a man says “I want to talk about my feelings”  what he actually means is:

1. Have you seen the remote?
2. Let’s have sex
3. I’m gay

The correct response is “3”.  Your man is gay.  But it could possibly mean “2” if in fact you do happen to have a penis.

If a man says “I’m leaving you for a younger woman” what he actually means is:

1. I’m leaving you for a younger woman
2. I’m leaving you for a much younger woman or possibly a trannie who is still younger than you
3. Have you seen the remote?

This is something of a trick question as all three answers are correct.

And there you have it readers.  I hope by giving this to your woman misunderstandings can be avoided in the future. Don’t thank me.  I’m the Manhattan Infidel.  I’m just doing my job.

(467)