Michael Bloomberg’s grip on power appeared to evaporate overnight as NATO forces bombed Gracie Mansion, the residence of New York City mayors.

In midtown jubilant rebels tore down posters of Bloomberg while chanting “Freedom!  Freedom, smokes and transfats!’

The Rebel Alliance issued a tweet that said, “We congratulate the people of New York for the fall of Michael Bloomberg.  We urge all New Yorkers to go into the street and public parks and bars and smoke.  Hell, eat something unhealthy.  Freedom has returned to the Big Apple!”

From Washington D.C. Martha’s Vineyard where he had been closely monitoring the situation playing golf President Obama said

New York City is slipping from the grasp of a tyrant. The people of New York are showing that the universal pursuit of dignity and freedom is far stronger that the iron fist of a dictator.  Today, I can feel the ocean’s receding.  Today we are the people we are waiting for.  What?  Okay I’ll shut up.

The fall of the House of Bloomberg seemed to signal the end of one of the world’s more mercurial political figures, the leader of a government that was bizarre as it was brutal.

Rising to power on the heels of Rudy Guiliani and 9/11 Bloomberg soon established an autocratic rule that had many in New York cowering in fear.  Bloomberg’s police force, dubbed the “anti-transfatters”  were notorious for arresting diners whose meal did not meet safe environmental and dietary standards.  Combined with his secret police of anti-smokers Bloomberg created a climate of fear in New York City.

But the final straw was executive order no. 326 which Bloomberg promulgated on May 1, 2012.  The executive order banned spontaneous respiration.

Spontaneous respiration is the enemy of all life.  Don’t people realize that when they breathe out carbon dioxide they are contributing to global warming?  I, Michael Bloomberg, have deemed this illegal.

It was then that NATO became involved in the struggle for freedom in New York City.  Using the powers invested in by its charter NATO began a campaign of air strikes against Bloomberg’s forces.

The campaign was unsuccessful at first as most New Yorkers didn’t even realize they were being bombed.

“We heard the noise and saw the smoke but we thought it was just another manhole cover exploding” said a resident.

NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen said in a statement that

The elimination of Bloomberg is just the first step.  After the cold war ended we were looking for something to do.  And we’ve found it. Qaddayfi was an epiphany! Bombing all the bat shit insane is our new mission statement.  Today Bloomberg.  Tomorrow Hollywood!

There is no word on the whereabouts of  Bloomberg though it is rumored that he is in exile in the Bahamas.

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America has many great traditions:  baseball, apple pie, amusement parks, drive-in movies, dead hookers in your crawlspace and economic corrections.

With the recent swings in the stock market, the downgrading of America’s credit rating and unemployment reaching double digits we here at the world wide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel would like to say to our readers (the ones who didn’t stumble upon this blog while googling “getting rid of the odor of dead bodies in your crawlspace”) DO NOT FEAR!  The only thing we have to fear is fear itself  And, of course, sock puppets.  So I now present for our loyal readers the Manhattan Infidel’s guide to the coming Great Depression II:

I know what you are saying.  Can Great Depression II be as rad as the original Great Depression? After all, don’t most sequels suck more than Lance Bass at a fraternity initiation?  Just follow our guidelines and you too will love Great Depression II.

• Soup kitchens are the new nightclubs

We’ve all waited in line with other hipsters outside nightclubs while the bouncer decides whether to let us in or sodomize us.  We are here to tell you that the soup kitchen line you will soon be waiting in is a fantastic opportunity to see and be seen.  It’s time to network!  Imagine the possibilities when you and 50 other CEOs are in the same line.  Imagine the witty repartee!

CEO:  I used to run a fortune 500 business.  Now I’m waiting for free bread and soup.

You:   I haven’t eaten in five days and am living in an alley next to a dumpster.  I’ll sleep with you if I can stay at your place.

CEO:  Alright, if you don’t mind the stench of dead hookers in my crawlspace.

You: Bitch please.  Been there done that.

• Befriend authority figures 

That friendly civil servant beating you mercilessly with his nightstick?  Remember: You pay his pension.  Use your leverage to get special perks in your jail cell like extra food, free use of a phone and anal lubricant.  Especially the anal lubricant.  If possible forgo your cigarette rations for this.

• Temporary employment 

With unemployment high and steady work (except as a government employee) all but nonexistent in Great Depression II, temporary employment is the way to go.  Not only will it boost your self-esteem but it will bring in much needed cash.  Say for instance a Muslim needs practice hacking off a Christian’s head with his sword.  Take the job!  But remember:  Arabs are shrewd negotiators.  Hold out for the best offer.  And direct the money to your next of kin.  Or let’s say a blogger needs help moving a hooker’s body to his crawlspace.  Take the job!  It’s not like you haven’t done this before and you’ll get paid this time.

• Become a bartender!

Admit it.  You’ve always wanted to hit an Englishman over the head with a baseball bat.  After five hours of listening to him talk about how great a game soccer is who would blame you?  Well now is your opportunity.  Just remember to put his body in the freezer before closing time.

And there you have it readers.  Just follow our advice and you will enjoy Great Depression II.  It’ll be more fun than watching Fantasia while overdosing on LSD.

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Recently I had the good fortune to sit down with an exclusive interview with the investor, industrialist and philanthropist Warren Buffett, (pictured in his favorite duck suit) currently ranked as the fifth richest man in the world.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me Mr. Buffett

WB: My pleasure.

MI:  My first question is where do you get the ideas for your songs?

WB:  What?

MI:  You know, Wasted Away in Margaritaville, Cheeseburger in Paradise…..I’m something of a Parrothead myself.

WB: That’s not  me. You have me confused with Jimmy Buffett.

MI:  My apologies.  Second question:  Why the duck suit?

WB: I often dress up in outfits like this when I’m home.  I don’t have to tell you that being Warren Buffett is a tremendous responsibility.  Lots of weight on my shoulders.  Dressing up like this helps me relax.  I have other outfits.  Batman, Robin, Wonder Woman (fortunately I have the legs for that outfit.)  No.  I’m not insane.

MI:  I never said you were.

WB:  No but you were thinking it.  My secretary thought I was insane when I started wearing her clothes.

MI:  Moving along.  You were recently quoted as saying that you thought the government should stop “coddling the rich” and that you, for one, would be willing to have your taxes raised.

WB:  Yes, I did say that. Of course I say a lot of things when I’m coked up.

MI:  You in part were able to achieve your fortune through favorable tax rates.  Would you be able to be as successful today if you were just starting out and taxes were raised to a level you are asking for?  If you really think you should pay more why not just write out a check for five billion now?

WB:  You said you work for the New York Times?

MI:  No.  I’m the Manhattan Infidel.

WB:  Didn’t I kill you already?

MI:  You’re thinking of Vince Foster.

WB:  Oh, that’s right (chuckles maniacally.)  Anyway back to my point.  Stop coddling us.  Stop coddling me.  I like it rough.  Very rough.  I’ve been a very bad boy and need discipline.

At this point several men dressed in black leather, their faces covered in masks entered the room.  They took Buffett’s arms and raised them over his head, attaching them to restraints that came down from the ceiling.  The restraints then were raised, lifting him off the floor.

Unidentified Male:  The usual Mr. Buffett?

WB:  Yes.  Yes.  YES!!!

I once again thanked Mr. Buffett for his time and left.  It’s good to know our financial institutions are in such capable hands.

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For weeks now the proud city of Londinium has been subject to rioting, pillage and arson from disaffected youths of the Roman empire. The empire Valentinian I has promised to restore “order and harmony” to the western edge of the empire.

Authorities have been struggling for answers as to the cause of the rioting, which has left property damaged and scores injured.  Among the theories:

• Widespread immigration of Picts, Scots and Saxons into the empire.

“We like to think of the Empire as a giant multicultural gorgeous mosaic.  But obviously these youths are disaffected for some reason and have had problems assimilating.  I don’t know why.  Rome has great social services” said a Roman official about the troubles in Londinium.

• A loss of institutional confidence in Roman society.

“It’s not like it was when I was growing up, when we were proud to be Romans” said Bleeding Heartius, a liberal member of the Roman senate.  “But now, with all the wars and atrocities that Roman troops commit I am ashamed to call myself a Roman.”

“What makes Roman society so great” another Roman asked.  “I respect and admire all cultures.  No one culture is better than another.  And if the Picts and the Scots and Saxons are rioting it is because their natural and beautiful cultural traditions have been suppressed by the Romans.”

While the Emperor Valentinian is confident that order will be restored he cautions those in Londinium that there is only so much the Empire can do.

Our resources are stretched out to the maximum at the moment. We have the Eastern part of the empire to worry about.  Tribes in Germany are revolting and we are deeply in debt.  Frankly if it weren’t for the Gauls who surrendered peacefully the entire Empire would be at war.  Unfortunately the Londiniuns are going to have work this out themselves.

The one bright spot in all this rioting:  The emergence of a new game called “Soccerius.”

The game of Soccerius is played with a spherical ball (originally the severed head of a Roman official) by teams of eleven players each.  Reports  a Londiniumer at the scene:

It’s amazing how quickly this game has developed.  From cutting off the heads of Romans and kicking it around they have made balls especially for the new game.  They have developed rules and matches called “friendlies.”  It’s amazing.  I’d go to a match myself but the fans are usually rioting.

Emperer Valentinian hopes that this new game will unify the empire.

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