International racing superstar Speed Racer has been banned from further competition in the United States until he complies with new EPA requirements.

The EPA released a statement today that said they have taken the unprecedented step of banning Speed Racer because his new “Mach 5” car  does not meet necessary green requirements such as 55 MPG and 2007 EPA emission levels.

When told of his banishment from competitive racing in the U.S. a crestfallen Speed Racer, speaking through his interpreter said, “Is this because of Godzilla?  I love young boys.”

Shortly after this Speed Racer fired his interpreter.

Speaking later that afternoon through a new interpreter Speed Racer asked why he had been singled out:

Why should I have to comply with EPA regulations? I only drive this car on race tracks.  Well, one time I took it out on a Los Angeles freeway, but President Obama was in town that day and it took me three hours to get six blocks.  I’ll tell you the real reason the EPA is after me.  They want the secret of my new engine that I have cleverly hidden in the windshield!  Wait, did my interpreter just tell them about the top secret new engine plans in the windshield?  What the?  Banana split mumbo.  Moon crazy boys love.  Toilet overflow on loved ones.  I eat my children.

When the press conference ended Speed Racer fired his new interpreter.

Later that evening Speed Racer held his third press conference of the day.  Speaking through his new interpreter he told reporters that

I have done nothing to deserve this banishment.  The Americans are just angry because I keep beating them.  Well the hell with America.  I’ll race elsewhere. Your dollar is worthless anyway.  Invest in gold.  My brain eats grass. Pleasure myself do I while Matt Damon plays violin.  Extra crispy. Grassy knoll shoot Kennedy.

The press conference ended on a note of confusion with Speed Racer again firing his interpreter.

A spokesman for the EPA has denied any interest in Speed Racer’s new engine, “as long as it meets EPA requirements.”   The troubles for Speed Racer are only beginning however.  Homeland Security is looking into his controversial statements today to see if they might be code for a future terrorist attack.

We don’t know what Banana split mumbo, toilet overflow on loved ones or brain eats grass mean.  Our boys in the code department are looking at it now.  I can only say that Speed Racer could be in a lot of trouble.

On a related note Speed Racer has placed on ad on Craigslist for a “cheap and experienced” Japanese-English translator.

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