For weeks now the proud city of Londinium has been subject to rioting, pillage and arson from disaffected youths of the Roman empire. The empire Valentinian I has promised to restore “order and harmony” to the western edge of the empire.
Authorities have been struggling for answers as to the cause of the rioting, which has left property damaged and scores injured. Among the theories:
- Widespread immigration of Picts, Scots and Saxons into the empire.
“We like to think of the Empire as a giant multicultural gorgeous mosaic. But obviously these youths are disaffected for some reason and have had problems assimilating. I don’t know why. Rome has great social services” said a Roman official about the troubles in Londinium.
- A loss of institutional confidence in Roman society.
“It’s not like it was when I was growing up, when we were proud to be Romans” said Bleeding Heartius, a liberal member of the Roman senate. “But now, with all the wars and atrocities that Roman troops commit I am ashamed to call myself a Roman.”
“What makes Roman society so great” another Roman asked. “I respect and admire all cultures. No one culture is better than another. And if the Picts and the Scots and Saxons are rioting it is because their natural and beautiful cultural traditions have been suppressed by the Romans.”
While the Emperor Valentinian is confident that order will be restored he cautions those in Londinium that there is only so much the Empire can do.
Our resources are stretched out to the maximum at the moment. We have the Eastern part of the empire to worry about. Tribes in Germany are revolting and we are deeply in debt. Frankly if it weren’t for the Gauls who surrendered peacefully the entire Empire would be at war. Unfortunately the Londiniuns are going to have work this out themselves.
The one bright spot in all this rioting: The emergence of a new game called “Soccerius.”
The game of Soccerius is played with a spherical ball (originally the severed head of a Roman official) by teams of eleven players each. Reports a Londiniumer at the scene:
It’s amazing how quickly this game has developed. From cutting off the heads of Romans and kicking it around they have made balls especially for the new game. They have developed rules and matches called “friendlies.” It’s amazing. I’d go to a match myself but the fans are usually rioting.
Emperer Valentinian hopes that this new game will unify the empire.
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Bleeding Heartius probably lives in a gated community.
I can’t thank you enough for sharing this bit of history. I must have slept through that lecture when I was a student. But, there may be an important lesson we can we learn fro this that would serves well today. Now, I’m not in favor of cutting the heads off of our liberal leaders but maybe we might think off cutting their balls off. At least they couldn’t breed any more of their kind.
Shamus: Of course Bleeding Heartius lives in a gated community. Our liberal masters have a right to defend themselves against people like us.
JC: Most people forget about the great Londinium riots of 368. As for your suggestion. I like it.!
You are telling me that soccer was the results of the first London riots. Oh no, not again. The pain and suffering that stupid sport has inflicted on our world is enough. This needs to end now.
That’s what did it! Soccer is so damn boring that they had to riot in response. They should replace it with a less boring sport, like watching paint dry.
Trestin, Matt:
I have it on good authority that soccer will replace waterboarding as an enhanced interrogation technique for our military.
If only a Roman legion could have been unleashed upon those vermin, they would have made quick work of them.
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