Manhattan Infidel Withdraws from 2012 Presidential Race

Iowa - an evil stateGood morning loyal readers of my humble blog.

What a weekend!  After a year of nonstop campaigning the Iowa straw poll has come and gone.  When I entered the 2012 Presidential race I had one goal in mind:  Maybe Olivia Wilde will go out with me if I were President Change!  Change for the American people.

And so I went to the good state of Iowa with change.  Literally.  I brought my own change.  Good shiny quarters, dimes and even a few nickels (but no pennies. Useless socialist pennies!)  I devoted the past year to traveling around Iowa, talking to its citizens,  giving them quarters and asking them where this “straw poll” was and was it strong enough for me to dance around?  But mostly I looked the citizens of Iowa in the eye and asked them one important question:  May I use your bathroom.  God those corn dogs go right through me.  Are you better off than you were four years ago?

And Iowans responded by saying No you can’t use the bathroom you’re frightening my children We are not better off than we were four years ago.

And so buoyed by my contacts with ordinary Iowans I went into the straw poll with much confidence even If I was never able to find this so-called “straw poll.”

But my showing was not as expected. While finishing strongly how is it possible to receive a negative percent of the vote? I do not see a clear path ahead of me to the Presidency.  And so I must, with great sadness, announce that I am withdrawing from the 2012 Presidential race.

I believe that I could have gotten at least 0% of the vote done better if only Iowa would change the law that makes those residing in mental hospitals ineligible to vote.

And so while my campaign has ended the issues are still there.  America faces its greatest threat ever from David Hasselhoff our exploding national debt.

And while, my fellow Americans, the campaign continues without me I still care about the issues Olivia Wilde do you think a restraining order will stop our  love?

There are many attractive and capable candidates still in the race.  After much thought, reflection, and spankings by Miss Olga prayer I have decided to throw my support behind King Shamus.

King Shamus has only been convicted of a misdemeanor cares about many of the same things I do.  I particularly like his campaign slogan:

Hi.  I’m King Shamus.  Would you like some candy little girl?

My campaign (for 2012 anyway) I have a pretty good chance of making parole by 2015 so I might run again is over.  But I will continue to fight for you, the American people.

God bless America.  I’m very lonely.  May I touch you?

Manhattan Infidel



8 Responses

  1. That KingShamus seems like a fine upstanding citizen.

    If this royal private eye fellow chooses Manhattan Infidel as his VP, they’d have all the votes from Hudson County to the Lower East Side in their back pocket.

    Not much else, but those votes would be airtight.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: I have no interest in being VP. Olivia Wilde does not lower herself to date VPs.

  3. Otis P. Driftwood says:

    ‘Tis a sad, sad day in American politics.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Otis: It is a tragedy. And I place the blame squarely where it belongs: With you the American people for rejecting my message of self-reliance and Olivia Wilde.

  5. It’s too bad California doesn’t have straw poles. You might have fared better there. Their standards… well, they don’t have any standards.

  6. You should have accepted my offer to be your campaign manager. I told you that Rove guy is a total loser!

    “Because the Only Good Progressive is a Failed Progressive”

  7. MK says:

    No wonder Rick Perry entered the race, he knew he wouldn’t stand a chance against MI.

  8. Gucci Outlet says:

    Yes, thank for the details a million! Have to discover anybody organizing Tea Party. I wants to participate in organizing.

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