The Manhattan Infidel's Guide to the Coming Great Depression II

America!  Land of opportunity!America has many great traditions:  baseball, apple pie, amusement parks, drive-in movies, dead hookers in your crawlspace and economic corrections.

With the recent swings in the stock market, the downgrading of America’s credit rating and unemployment reaching double digits we here at the world wide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel would like to say to our readers (the ones who didn’t stumble upon this blog while googling “getting rid of the odor of dead bodies in your crawlspace”) DO NOT FEAR!  The only thing we have to fear is fear itself  And, of course, sock puppets.  So I now present for our loyal readers the Manhattan Infidel’s guide to the coming Great Depression II:

I know what you are saying.  Can Great Depression II be as rad as the original Great Depression? After all, don’t most sequels suck more than Lance Bass at a fraternity initiation?  Just follow our guidelines and you too will love Great Depression II.

  • Soup kitchens are the new nightclubs

We’ve all waited in line with other hipsters outside nightclubs while the bouncer decides whether to let us in or sodomize us.  We are here to tell you that the soup kitchen line you will soon be waiting in is a fantastic opportunity to see and be seen.  It’s time to network!  Imagine the possibilities when you and 50 other CEOs are in the same line.  Imagine the witty repartee!

CEO:  I used to run a fortune 500 business.  Now I’m waiting for free bread and soup.

You:   I haven’t eaten in five days and am living in an alley next to a dumpster.  I’ll sleep with you if I can stay at your place.

CEO:  Alright, if you don’t mind the stench of dead hookers in my crawlspace.

You: Bitch please.  Been there done that.

  • Befriend authority figures 

That friendly civil servant beating you mercilessly with his nightstick?  Remember: You pay his pension.  Use your leverage to get special perks in your jail cell like extra food, free use of a phone and anal lubricant.  Especially the anal lubricant.  If possible forgo your cigarette rations for this.

  • Temporary employment 

With unemployment high and steady work (except as a government employee) all but nonexistent in Great Depression II, temporary employment is the way to go.  Not only will it boost your self-esteem but it will bring in much needed cash.  Say for instance a Muslim needs practice hacking off a Christian’s head with his sword.  Take the job!  But remember:  Arabs are shrewd negotiators.  Hold out for the best offer.  And direct the money to your next of kin.  Or let’s say a blogger needs help moving a hooker’s body to his crawlspace.  Take the job!  It’s not like you haven’t done this before and you’ll get paid this time.

  • Become a bartender!

Admit it.  You’ve always wanted to hit an Englishman over the head with a baseball bat.  After five hours of listening to him talk about how great a game soccer is who would blame you?  Well now is your opportunity.  Just remember to put his body in the freezer before closing time.

And there you have it readers.  Just follow our advice and you will enjoy Great Depression II.  It’ll be more fun than watching Fantasia while overdosing on LSD.


13 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Yep. Whacking a soccer-lovin’ limey would be worth going to prison for.

  2. You’re right about one thing, my friend, sock puppets are scary and the one in White House is the scariest.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn. Let’s start a league of limey whacking soccer hating colonials.

    Jim: if barry’s a sock puppet who’s the puppeteer? Not Biden I hope.

  4. Matt says:

    You can go to prison for hitting a soccer loving limey?

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: I know! It just doesn’t seem right!

  6. MK says:

    What about an alliance with the zombies. I’m sure they can be useful in times of depression.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK: In this case no. The Zombies will be all working for the Feds.

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  9. The hard part isn’t making the decision. It’s living with it.

  10. Very informative blog.Much thanks again.

  11. I agree with most of the points you make within this content.

  12. Multi Skills says:

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