In a scene of devastation that even hardened first responders found difficult, Thomas the Tank Engine collided this morning with a school bus loaded with children.
“There were bodies everywhere. Body parts. Blood. Pulpy tissue. I got sick and I’ve never gotten sick at an accident site before” said a first responder.
Of the 29 children and school bus driver on board only two survived the accident though one later died en route to a hospital.
Thomas was given a breathalyzer test at the scene which found his blood alcohol level to be .28, almost four times the legal limit for tank engines. Thomas was arrested on the scene and placed in protective custody.
News of the accident did not surprise many who had previous run ins with Mr. Tank.
“He was a surly tank engine. Definitely had a chip on his shoulder” said a local resident.
The owner of a bar frequented by Thomas seconded the opinion.
“He had issues with his body. He was always complaining that he had a short stumpy funnel, short stumpy boiler and short stumpy dome. I think that’s why he drank so much.”
An employee at an adult video store mentions that Thomas was a frequent customer.
“Yeah, he was a regular alright. I know he brought hookers into the store. One time he even bought one of those pumps we sell to increase girth. He said the female tank engines laughed at his short stumpy funnel.”
State police records show that Mr. Tank had had his license suspended twice for driving under the influence.
“Why he ever got his license back is beyond me” said a trooper. “The tank is dangerous. He should never have been allowed to drive again.”
Perhaps the reason could be Tank’s connections.
From his jail cell where he is under 24-hour guard Tank screamed, “You don’t know who you’re messing with punk. I’m famous! I know people! I know Ringo Starr. Yeah, that’s right. I’m friends with a Beatle. Now let me out before I go medieval on your civil servant ass!”
Despite Tank’s rumored connections he stands charged with 28 counts of vehicular homicide and is unlikely to be granted bail.
“I should have expected as much from someone with a short, stumpy funnel” said a local female.
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My guess? Thomas The Tank Engine is an Irishman. That explains the anger, the low self-esteem and the drinking.
Whatever it takes to wipe that damn goofy grin off the front of his boiler.
Stumpy and lumpy?. The poor bastard could catch a break in life, could he? But, I want to know why the bus driver was parked on the tracks? what was he doing with those kids? I guess we will never know now, will we?
Shamus: Is iad na hÉireann rás uasal!
Inn: Agreed. That grin is very disturbing.
Jim: I’m sure we can all agree on one thing: It’s Sarah Palin’s fault.
I always thought he had a dark side. Of course, so lib group will come to his defense due to some sort of discrimination, or to blame Sarah Palin for it.
Get the chair for that @#$%ing obama voting democrat.
Matt: Dark side indeed! But you know it is Sarah Palin’s fault for not toning down her rhetoric.
MK: Thomas the tank engine deserves the chair. But I’m sure susan surandon will hold a benefit for him.
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