Rodney King, whose videotaped beating at the hands of white police officers touched off rioting across L.A. in 1991 has been found dead in a pool it has been learned.  His body was discovered by his fiancee.  There is no known cause of death though a suspicious body of water was seen lurking at the scene earlier.

The Chief of the LAPD, Charlie Beck, had this to say to reporters:

It looks like an accidental drowning but of course we can’t rule out racism until the toxicology reports come back.

The Mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, appealed for calm.

I am shocked.  Shocked and saddened by the events of today.  Rodney King was a tragic victim of racial brutality and profiling in America.  As a fellow person of color I urge blacks to resist the urge to punish all standing bodies of water.  Please do not seek out water.  Avoid public pools.  Let justice take its course and let the police find the guilty body of water.

A grief-stricken Jesse Jackson told reporters that:

These are dangerous times for America.  First Trayvon Martin killed by a white Hispanic.  Now Rodney King killed by water.  What color is water?  It ain’t black that’s for sure!

Despite appeals for calms reports have begun to trickle in of roaming gangs of disaffected black youth searching out standing bodies of water.  According to one victimized pool:

I was just minding my own business when this disaffected black youth jumped into me, pulled down his trunks and started peeing all over the place.  When he finished he pulled his trunks up, jumped out and said “That’s for my brother Rodney King, man!”  Now I’m all filled with pee.  This is worse than the time the drunk British tourist puked in me.

Police are asking all bodies of water, for their own protection, to remain indoors.

In a disturbing development however, a group of militant bodies of water known as the “Glug Glugs” has released a statement saying that if any more of their kind are attacked, they “will turn L.A. into Seattle!  It’s gonna be wet man!  Wet and humid!”

Rodney King’s fiancee will appear on television tonight to ask for peace.

“Can’t we all just get along” will be her message.

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Here at Manhattan Infidel I have always striven to interview controversial subjects.  Today is no exception.  I am pleased to interview the controversial and divisive figure of the incandescent light bulb.

MI:  Good morning.

LB:  Good morning to you sir (extends his hand).

MI:  If it’s all the same I’d just as soon not shake your hand.

LB:  Wow.  Okay.

MI:  My first question.  How do you sleep at night?

LB:  What?  I beg your pardon?

MI:  It’s a simple question.  Answer it.  Don’t look away.  I am prepared to wait until hell freezes over for my answer.

LB:  I…..I sleep just fine.

MI:  Really?  No problems with your conscience?

LB:  No.  Come on.  I’ve done nothing but good.  My invention has been nothing but good for the world.  Think about how life would be without me.  Are you prepared to go back to candles and gas lamps?

MI:  If you’re so great why is our government phasing you out?  In 2014 you will be illegal.

LB:  I don’t know.  Politicians.  They do stupid things.  But back to my point.  Do you really want to go back to gas lamps?  Do you really want the whale-hunting business to start up again?  Because it’s whale oil that will be used in the lamps. That’s a fact!

MI:  There’s no room for facts in the discussion of global warming.

LB:  I do not lead to global warming!

MI:  See this picture.  It’s a polar bear.

LB:  How adorable.

MI:  That polar bear drowned this morning.  Global warming caused his death and you are responsible for global warming.

LB:  You’re quite mad you know.

MI:  I’ve had enough of you.  You make me sick.  Somebody grab him!

LB:  Get your hands off me!

Civilian:  What’s going on  here?

MI:  It’s an incandescent light bulb!

Civilian:  Grab him!  It’s history’s greatest monster!

MI:  That’s it.  Grab him.  Swing him over your head and throw him to the ground.

LB:  No!  No!  I want to live!

MI:  Break him!  Throw him to the ground and smash him!  [The light bulb smashes to the ground and breaks.]

LB:  Rosebud!  [Lightbulb dies]

MI:  This is just the beginning people.  Wherever there is anthropo…antlerthro…anthroper……wherever there is global warming I will be there to stop it.

Civilian:  What next?

MI:  The Irish!  Does anyone know where the Irish are?

Civilian:  I do.  I repair jukeboxes in bars.  I see lots of Irish at those places.

MI:  To the bars people!  Remember, extremism in the fight against global warming and the Irish is not a crime!

If any of my readers would like to join me on my noble crusade they are most welcome ~ Manhattan Infidel

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Responding to criticism that its “Stop and Frisk” policy is racist, the New York Police Department, Mayor Bloomberg and Governor Cuomo announced today that they are removing criminal penalties for public possession of small amounts of marijuana.

Mayor Bloomberg announced at a press conference today that the new proposed law decriminalizing the public possession of marijuana “strikes the right balance” between law and freedom.

Showing up 80 minutes late for a press conference that was supposed to start at 9 am, the mayor, wearing dark glasses because of a “headache”  told reporters that the stop and frisk policies of the NYPD are racist.

82 percent of those arrested in New York for possession of marijuana are black or Latino. This must stop.  So we’re not going to arrest them anymore.  As for the 18% of the white people who are arrested for public possession, well, they probably have jobs and can afford bail.  What?  Did I just talk out loud?

The Mayor also announced that while possession will no longer be a crime, the public smoking of marijuana still is.

This is all part of the quality of life.  If a young black or Latino person is smoking marijuana in public he might crave something sweet and before you know it he’s reaching for a 32-ounce Big Gulp. This will lead to obesity.  As for the white people arrested for smoking marijuana, well they have jobs and can afford lawyers anyway.  And white people jog a lot which will keep them thin.  Dude that last thought was so random.

After Bloomberg finished speaking it was the turn of the Governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo to speak.

When Mayor – um. When the mayor who’s name escapes me – I’m sorry dude I know your name but I just can’t remember it – told me of his plans to decriminalize marijuana I was overjoyed.   It just isn’t right that hard working white people with jobs should be arrested for recreational smoking of a relatively harmless drug.  God my mouth is dry.

The governor then ended his comments by going to the complimentary buffet table and eating some sugar frosted donuts.

“I love these man.  They are delicious.  I could eat a couple dozen.”

Reaction to today’s announcement was swift but laid back.  The Association of Black and Latino Pot Smokers hailed the announcement as a “positive first step.”  However they also questioned the announcement’s motives.

We blacks and Latinos have been stopped and frisked and arrested for possession of pot for years. And now that some white dudes are being stopped they are going to change the law.  That ain’t right. You know what else ain’t right? Why do the Mexican dudes charge us more for pot than they do the white boys?

The proposed law, if passed by the state legislature, will take effect in Autumn.

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For the 39th year in a row, the Scripps National Spelling Bee Championship was won by a nerd. The winner correctly spelled the word “guetapens.”

The fact that a nerd won the spelling bee with a word that, to be fair, only a nerd would know, is the source of not a little controversy in the competitive world of spelling. One of the losers, a self-described “non-nerd” told reporters that:

It just isn’t fair.  Nerds have won for 39 years in a row.  The winning word was a nerd word.  What sort of message is that sending to people who aren’t quite nerds but are “bookish”?  I’ll tell you what message it is sending:  America is unfair.  Spelling is an exclusive club that denies non-nerds full membership.  It’s time we opened up the contest and made it more fair.  How about some words that are not nerdy but bookish?  Words like “gravitate” or “palindrome?”

The Society for Non-Nerd Spelling Champions agrees.

We’d like to see the competition handicapped.  Maybe have the nerds attempt to spell the words while being attacked by the defensive line of the New York Giants.   Let’s see the nerd bastards spell guetapens while suffering from concussion-like symptoms!

The organizers of the National Spelling Bee know that they have a problem appealing to those outside the nerd demographic and have made attempts to change the competition.

We tried a number of things.  One year we tested the contest with celebrities.  But that didn’t go as well as we planned.  We had Bruce Springsteen as a finalist.  The final word was “rabbit.”  He asked us to repeat the word. So we did. Then there was a long, awkward pause. He asked us to use it in the context of a sentence. Then he gave a 15-minute speech about the evils of bankers.  Matt Damon was also a contestant.  He was disqualified when he couldn’t spell “boy.”  He kept asking us if it was an English word.

We tested the contest with porn stars.  They couldn’t spell anything.  Well, except for the word herpes. They could all spell that. And for some reason they asked if the contest had any health benefits.

We tested the contest with primates but the second place monkey ripped the first place monkey’s face off.  And that drove up our insurance costs.  The winning word the monkey spelled?  Schwarmerei.  Yeah, it’s a real word.

Let’s face it.  We are stuck with nerds.  Nerds and spelling bees go together like Joba Chamberlain and freak trampoline accidents.

Accordingly from now on the Scripps Spelling Bee Championships will be known as the Scripps Spelling Nerd Championships.

Non-nerds are not encouraged to enter.

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Native American warrior and cook Elizabeth Warren

The other day while looking in the mirror and admiring my ridiculously high cheekbones I said to myself, “Manhattan Infidel, you love to cook.  And you’re proud of your  1/32 Cherokee heritage.  Why not combine the two?”

Yes I know that my fellow Cherokee Elizabeth Warren has already done this and while I don’t want to criticize a tribe member there are a few traditional Cherokee recipes she left out.  And so I dive into that void.  Please enjoy these traditional Cherokee dishes that my parents used to cook while reciting family folklore about the struggles of native Americans.

Cherokee Pasta

Native American Pasta

This is a traditional and delicious native American treat.  Family folklore tells of my ancestors preparing pasta every night as they huddled around the fire engaging in Cherokee activities such as going to drive-ins, watching Johnny Carson on TV and dividing up their casino profits.  Simply buy some Ronzoni pasta, throw in a pot over a stove and prepare some sauce.  See how simple?  Who says preparing native American dishes was complicated?

Cherokee Franks and Beans

Franks and beans!

If you love history like I do then you are familiar with how the Cherokee Nation first introduced the white man to Franks and beans – a traditional native American food enjoyed by warriors for centuries.  Simply buy some hot dogs (known in family folklore by their traditional Cherokee name of “White man’s food by-product”) and some baked beans (preferably Heinz, the brand of baked beans my ancestors ate on the Trail of Tears).   Combine the two and enjoy.  I dare say your cheekbones will get higher just eating this tasty Cherokee treat.

Cherokee Pizza

Pizza: A traditional Cherokee food

Family folklore tells how the native American village my ancestors lived in was visited by General Custer and how they offered him pizza, a dish unknown to the white man.  Pizza, or in Cherokee, “Matafusha be nagafoochuck”, which I believe translates as “cheese, sauce and bread”  bridged the gap between Europeans and native Americans.  Of course Custer later burned the village to the ground and slaughtered the inhabitants when he discovered that they didn’t have deep dish.  But that’s a story for another day.

Bonus:  Cherokee Pub Crawl

Crawl the pubs, just like the ;Cherokee did.

So you’ve had some delicious Cherokee food.  Why not wet your whistle with another traditional Cherokee activity:  the Pub Crawl!  Family folklore has many tales of my ancestors bonding native American style by going from bar to bar while enjoying traditional Cherokee activities such as hitting on college students, playing darts, stealing coasters and vomiting in alley ways.

And there you have it readers.  May you find as much joy and contentment in Cherokee heritage as I do.

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