Nerd Wins Spelling Bee!

Triumph of the Nerd!For the 39th year in a row, the Scripps National Spelling Bee Championship was won by a nerd. The winner correctly spelled the word “guetapens.

The fact that a nerd won the spelling bee with a word that, to be fair, only a nerd would know, is the source of not a little controversy in the competitive world of spelling. One of the losers, a self-described “non-nerd” told reporters that:

It just isn’t fair.  Nerds have won for 39 years in a row.  The winning word was a nerd word.  What sort of message is that sending to people who aren’t quite nerds but are “bookish”?  I’ll tell you what message it is sending:  America is unfair.  Spelling is an exclusive club that denies non-nerds full membership.  It’s time we opened up the contest and made it more fair.  How about some words that are not nerdy but bookish?  Words like “gravitate” or “palindrome?”

The Society for Non-Nerd Spelling Champions agrees.

We’d like to see the competition handicapped.  Maybe have the nerds attempt to spell the words while being attacked by the defensive line of the New York Giants.   Let’s see the nerd bastards spell guetapens while suffering from concussion-like symptoms!

The organizers of the National Spelling Bee know that they have a problem appealing to those outside the nerd demographic and have made attempts to change the competition.

We tried a number of things.  One year we tested the contest with celebrities.  But that didn’t go as well as we planned.  We had Bruce Springsteen as a finalist.  The final word was “rabbit.”  He asked us to repeat the word. So we did. Then there was a long, awkward pause. He asked us to use it in the context of a sentence. Then he gave a 15-minute speech about the evils of bankers.  Matt Damon was also a contestant.  He was disqualified when he couldn’t spell “boy.”  He kept asking us if it was an English word.

We tested the contest with porn stars.  They couldn’t spell anything.  Well, except for the word herpes. They could all spell that. And for some reason they asked if the contest had any health benefits.

We tested the contest with primates but the second place monkey ripped the first place monkey’s face off.  And that drove up our insurance costs.  The winning word the monkey spelled?  Schwarmerei.  Yeah, it’s a real word.

Let’s face it.  We are stuck with nerds.  Nerds and spelling bees go together like Joba Chamberlain and freak trampoline accidents.

Accordingly from now on the Scripps Spelling Bee Championships will be known as the Scripps Spelling Nerd Championships.

Non-nerds are not encouraged to enter.


8 Responses

  1. Long Live Joba.

    Hey, do me a favor and come over and click on my profile and email, so I have your email address again. TY. Snarky

  2. Matt Damon could also be heard muttering “Mmmaaaaaattttttt Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmon” over and over again.


  3. innominatus says:

    I won my Middle School spelling bee, but crapped out at the City level bee. Where does this place me on the nerd hierarchy?

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Snarky: The Yankees should have left Joba alone and kept him in the bullpen. They destroyed him with the Joba rules. He’ll never be like he was in ’07.

    Shamus: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamon!

    Inn: I consider you merely “bookish.”

  5. the contests are definitely not fair. The non-nerds should are from a different culture and should only have to spell non-nerd words like “hope” and “change”.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Hope and change used to be non-nerd words until St. Barry of the Intellect destroyed their use for all of us.

  7. Matt says:

    A good point is raised here. It is an unfair advantage to have nerds at all. Perhaps they should be lobotomized to make it fair for the Matt Damon’s of the world?

  8. I feel for the bookish, maybe they can handicap the nerds by shooting at their feet, let’s see them spell while’dancing’.

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