“I don’t know what it is doc but every time I urinate I scream” ~ Babe Ruth sometime during the 1925 season.

The Yankees won their 10th in a row tonight, beating the Atlanta “59 years after leaving Boston and we still can’t get the stink off us” Braves.  The Yankees started their ace CC Sabathia (9-3 3.55) and the Braves started Mike “Should be back in the” Minor(s) (3-5 6.04)

The Braves got on the board first as Michael Bourn (Identity) led off the game with a triple.  He scored one batter later when Martin (pronounced Marteen) Prado hit into a 6-3 groundout. 1-0 Braves after one inning.

The Braves got one more run in the top of the fifth when Jason Heyward led off with a single.  He moved to second when Andrelton Simmons followed him with another single.  After David Ross struck out Heyward scored on a Michael Bourn single.  2-0 Braves after four 1/2 innings.

At this point it wasn’t looking good for the Yankees (who hadn’t even gotten a hit yet.)

The Yankees however finally broke through in the bottom of the fifth.  Alex Rodriguez (our 250 million dollar slap hitter) led off with a single and then reached second on a wild pitch.  After Cano walked and Andruw Jones struck out Russell Martin hit a double that scored AROD.  Jason Nix then walked and Chris Stewart popped up to first base before Derek “Minka Kelly, Minka Kelly, wherefore art thou Minka Kelly” Jeter singled home Cano and Martin.  3-2 Yankees after five.

In the bottom of the sixth Mark “I left my soul in Los Angeles”  Teixeira led off with a home run to deep left.  4-2 Yankees after six.

In the bottom of the seventh Chris Stewart doubled and later scored on a Minka Kelly-less Derek Jeter single.  5-2 Yankees after seven.

And finally in the bottom of the eighth Robinson “I still miss Melky Cabrera” Cano hit a monster home run over the center field wall.

Final score:  6-2 Yankees.  CC Sabathia pitched a complete game giving up two runs on seven hits while walking one and striking out ten.

Notes on the game:

Today the first 18,000 in attendance were given a sealed vial containing an unknown strain of VD taken from Babe Ruth and for the past 65 years kept at the CDC in Atlanta.  I accidentally dropped the vial and it broke.  Those standing next to it were immediately covered with sores on unknown origin.  Oh that wacky Babe Ruth!

There was a scary moment at the beginning of the game when Cedric the Entertainer showed up in the bleachers.  Would the bleachers hold his weight or would the hold edifice come crumbling down?  Fortunately it held his weight.  Shame on you readers for doubting the durability of mafia-built stadiums.

Michael Pineda Injury Watch:

Pineda blew away a rehab session for his shoulder today and instead hung out at a McDonald’s for seven hours, consuming a record 65 Big Macs  Once finished with the Big Macs he ate the children in the play center. Once finished with the children in the play center he ate the play center.  Yankee GM is absolutely confident Pineda’s rehabilitation is coming along on schedule and he can still be a force in the Yankee rotation for years to come.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried as I always do but my chant of “Isn’t that just like a wop, brings a knife to a gun fight.  Now get out you dago bastard!” didn’t excite the crowd.  Context is everything I guess.

I was continually distracted during the game by a comely MILF who was sitting next to me in the bleachers.  I attempted to engage her in conversation but my opening line of “Motherhood is a wonderful institution.  How about a blow job?” didn’t appeal to her.  Fortunately I’ve been maced so many times I’ve built up an immunity and was only retching for 10 minutes this time.

Recommended reading material:

The Reconstruction of the New York Democracy, 1861-1874 by Jerome Mushkat.

Reader mail:

T.S. of Jamaica Queens writes, “Territory folk should stick together territory folk should all be pals Cowboys dance with farmer’s daughter farmer’s dance with the rancher’s gals”

Son.  Stay away from the show tunes  People might think you’re gone in the head.

Ezra Pound of Pisa, Italy writes, “Thou art a beaten dog beneath the hail/a swollen magpie in a fitful sun”

Hey, I’m rubber you’re glue pal!

W.J.J.B of Florida (and have you ever been to Florida?  The entire population is criminal.  It’s like America’s Australia…but I digress) writes, “I can help you with the MILF problem.  As a lawyer possession is 9/10th of the law.  And, um.  Sorry but I am so toasted right now.”

Lawyers!

Anyway my record this year stands at 4-2.  My next game is Tuesday June 26th against the Cleveland Native Americans.

Go Yankees!

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