In the 24 hours since the momentous recall election in Wisconsin there have been many pundits who have given their opinion on the election results.  And in the spirit of fair and unbiased urine analysis I now offer my postmortem on the election.

First an explanatory note.  The survey I took is not scientific.  If anyone questions my methodology I will mail them my dirty underwear.  Democracy may be dead, but my dirty underwear is definitely alive.

Once it was confirmed that Governor Walker had survived the recall I immediately got on my phone and spent all day Wednesday talking to very annoyed strangers my contacts in Wisconsin.

The first question I asked was, “Given the results, do you agree that Democracy is dead?”

• Fifty five percent replied “Don’t be ridiculous.”  Forty percent answered “We are Democrats.  We don’t believe in Democracy.”   Four percent asked me if I was the same Manhattan Infidel they had to get a restraining order against.  (The answer to that if you are curious is no.  For 66 percent of the four percent that is.)  And finally one percent said they did not vote, had no interest in the recall election and that they had just crashed on this planet and were afraid they’d never see the Klingon Homeworld again.

My second question was more pointed:  “Stop lying to my you worthless piece of crap.  Democracy is dead isn’t it!”

• Forty one percent replied “I think you need to calm down.  Democracy worked perfectly in the recall.”  Thirty eight percent told me that “I’m hyperventilating man.  You are so right dude.  Democracy is so dead.  I can’t live in a country like this where the will of the people is thwarted.  I’m going back to my parent’s basement to think things through.”  13 percent asked me if I was “absolutely certain” that I wasn’t the Manhattan Infidel who called their underage daughter to ask her if she likes older men and if she “is into it?”   Seven percent told me “No I don’t want to buy a penis pump”  and one percent said “Today is a good day to die.  I miss the Klingon Homeworld.”

My third question asked the citizens of Wisconsin if they are Nazis for “thwarting the obvious will of the people you scum sucking opponents of Democracy!”

• Forty percent hung up on me but not before calling me unkind names.  (I would expect such hate-filled behavior from vicious scum-sucking opponents of Democracy!)  Thirty nine percent started crying and said “I hate Wisconsin.  This is a stupid red state.  Democracy is so dead! I’d like to talk more but my parents say I have to get off the phone.”  Fifteen percent told me that if I didn’t leave their daughter alone I’d be in for “a world of hurt.” Five percent were curious about penis pumps and one percent called me a “Regulan bloodworm.”

I ended my phone interviews by reminding the stupid red state Wisconsinites that “I am in the media and I say Democracy is dead. And I’m smart!”

• Thirty seven percent laughed and called me a “pretentious, elitist a–hole.” Thirty five percent agreed that Democracy as we know it is “so f—ing dead dude” and they’d talk more but they had to take the garbage out before their mom gets angry.  20 percent asked me if I was the guy they saw on TV who was arrested for stalking Olivia Wilde.  (One day she will realize that I am the man for her.) Seven percent asked me if I was Ed Schultz and one percent wanted to know where they could find that “delicious human delicacy known as prune juice.“

And there you have it readers.  In the best traditions of objective American journalism I give you an impartial survey of the Wisconsin recall.

Democracy is dead!

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