The Gospel According to Barack Obama (Part XIX)

The Kingdom of redistribution is at hand!

And it came to pass, when Barack had ended all these words, he said to his disciples in the mainstream media:

You know that after two days shall be the elections, and the son of socialism shall be delivered up to the red states.

Then were gathered together the chief strategists of the Republican party of capitalism into the house of the high priest and chairman of the Republican National Committee, who was called Reince Priebus.

And they consulted together, that by subtlety and RINO tactics they might beat Barack and put him into the private sector.

And when Barack was in Georgetown, in the house of a wealthy Democratic donor,

There came to him a Hollywood starlet having a box of sliders with fries and gave it to Barack.

And the MSM seeing it, had indignation, saying:  Why doesn’t the hot chick pay attention to us?

And Barack  knowing it, said to them:  Why do you trouble the hot chick?  Are you declaring war on women like the Republicans?  

For sliders and fries you have always with you:  but me you may lose because rubes in the red states cling to guns and religion.

For she in giving me these delicious fatty foods – and please don’t tell Michelle I ate these because she’ll get really mad – hath redistributed it for my campaign.

Then went one of his disciples, who was called Joe Biden,  to Reince Priepus.

And said to him:  what will you give me, and I will deliver him unto the red states?  But he appointed an etch a sketch to Biden and saith, “Go, and play.”

And on the day of the general election the disciples in the MSM came to Barack saying: Where wilt thou we hold our reelection party?  With Johnny Depp in costume?

But Barack said:  Go ye into the city.  On second thought Washington D.C. is dangerous.  Let’s stay in Georgetown.

But when it was evening and election results trickled in, he sat down with his disciples.

And whilst they were eating sliders and fries, he said:  Amen I say to you, that one of you is about to betray me.

And they were very much troubled for fear the sliders and fries were running low and began to say: Is it I, Barack?

But he answering said:  He that dippeth his hand with me into the honey mustard sauce, he shall betray me.

The son of socialism loseth:  but woe to that man by whom the son of socialism be betrayed, for no one on MSNBC shall ever say a good word about him again.

And Joe Biden, answering, said:  Is it I, daddy?  He saith to him:  Thou has said it.

And whilst they were at supper, Barack took a slider, and blessed, and broke:  and gave it to his disciples and said:  Take ye and eat, before Michael Bloomberg outlaws this stuff.

And taking the chalice filled with Stella Artois, he gave thanks and gave to them saying: Drink ye all of this for this is a respectable beer the rubes don’t drink.

For this is my blood of the new economic order, which shall be shed for many unto the remission of capitalism.

And a hymn was sung, probably Bruce Springsteen.

Then Barack saith to them:  All you shall be scandalized in me this night.  For it is written:  I will strike the son of socialism, and the mainstream media shall say that America had a tantrum for not reelecting him.

And Chris Matthews answering said to him:  Although all shall be scandalized, my leg will always tingle.

Then Barack came with them into a country place called Camp David; and he said to the disciples:  Sit you here while I go yonder and contemplate socialism.

And taking with him Chris Matthews and two other low-rated cable TV hosts, he began to grow sorrowful and to be sad.

And going a little further he fell upon his face from too many Stella’s and praying and saying:  My father, if it be possible, let this chalice pass from me, for I am stopped up and irregular.

And he cometh to his disciples, and findeth them asleep, and he saith to Chris Matthews:  What?  Why is your leg not tingling?

Watch ye, and pray that ye enter not into capitalism.  Socialism indeed is willing but the banks are weak.

Rise, let us go: behold he is at hand that will betray me.

And he yet spoke, behold Joe Biden came and with him a great multitude with swords and clubs and iPhones.

And he that betrayed him gave them a sign, saying: Whomsoever I shall kiss, in a totally non-homosexual way, that is he, hold him fast.

And forthwith coming to Barack, he said: Hi daddy.  And he kissed him in a totally non-homosexual way.

And Barack said to him:   Joe haven’t I always given you cool toys to play with?  Then they came up and laid hands on Barack, and held him.

And Barack saith to them:  Thinkest thou that I cannot ask my father and he will give me presently more than twelve legions of socialists bankers from the Eurozone?

Now all this was done, that the rubes in the red states might be proven stupid.

But they holding Barack, led him to Reince Priebus, where the Republicans were assembled.

And the whole council sought false capitalistic witnesses against Barack, that they might use as campaign propaganda.

And Reince rising up, said to him: Answerest thou nothing to these things and why do you have sliders on your breath?

But Barack held his peace.  And Reince said to him:  I adjure thee that thou tell us if thou be the son of socialism.

Barack saith to him:  Thou has said it.  Nevertheless I say to you, hereafter you shall see the son of socialism sitting in a studio in New York with his own show.

Then Reince rent his garments (for it was cheaper than owning them outright).

Then they spit in his face saying: Where the hell did you get those sliders?

But Chris Matthews sat without in the court: and there came to him a rube saying:  Thou was also with Barack.

But he denied them all saying:  Look, doth my leg tingle?

Another rube saw him and saith:  This man also was with Barack.

And again he denied with an oath:  Look at my leg!  It is still!

And after a little while said another:  Surely thou art one of them?

Then he began to curse and to swear that he knew not the man.  And immediately the cock crew.

And Chris Matthews remembered the word of Barack: Before the cock crow, thou wilt deny me thrice.  And going forth, he wept bitterly and his leg indeed did not tingeleth.

[To be continued.]


2 Responses

  1. Okay! whose cock was doing all the crewing?

  2. innominatus says:

    Dude, I had a really crappy day yesterday. Wish I had seen this post at the time. Life would have not sucked for about the 4 minutes or however long it took to read this. Great post.

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