“I used to be good.” ~ Joba Chamberlain

If you look closely you can see the Yankee sucking.

Today the Yankees wrapped up the first half of the season with a game against the Minnesota Twins.  The Yankees started their “ace” Carsten Charles Sabathia (9-8 4.07) and the Twins started, in only his fourth start in the majors, rookie Kyle Gibson (2-2 6.45).

Let’s see.  The Yankee “ace” against a rookie.  What could go wrong?

Plenty.

The Twins got on the board first in the top of the second.  Ryan Doumit and Trevor Plouffe hit back-to-back singles.  After an Aaron Hicks strike out and a Chris Thomas fly out to right field Jamey Carroll singled home home Doumit.  Shortstop Pedro Florimon then singled home Plouffe.  2-0 Twins after 1 1/2.

The barrage by the Twins and sloppy play by the Yankees continued in the top of the third. After Justin Mourneau doubled Trevor Plouffe should have been thrown out 6-3 for the final out of the inning.  I say should have.  But Eduardo Nunez is our shortstop so his throw pulled Lyle Overbay off the bag allowing Plouffe to reach safely on the E6.   And of course the next batter up, Aaron Hicks, on the first pitch homered to deep left.  5-0 Twins after 2 1/2.

The Yankees got a run back (let’s give them a hand folks.  God bless them they are really trying)  in the bottom of the third. Innominatus’ archnemesis Ichiro Suzuki (pictured here)

You will build bridge for me, Innominatus!

led off with a single.  Zoilo Almonte then singled allowing Ichiro to move to third.  Robinson Cano, one of the Yankees two all-stars singled home Ichiro.  5-1 Twins after three.

The top of the fourth would be Carsten Charles last inning.  Jamey Carroll led off with a walk and went to third on a Brian Dozier double.  After a Joe Mauer walk Justin Mourneau singled home Carroll. The next batter, Ryan Doumit should have been out.  But this is the 2013 Yankees. Doumit was safe on Oberbay’s fielding error allowing Dozier and Mauer to score.  8-1 Twins after 3 1/2.

In the bottom of the fourth the Yankees scored twice (isn’t it cute how they try?).  Overbay led off with a single.  Nunez walked and Luis Cruz was hit by a pitch loading the bases.  Catcher Chris Stewart grounded into a fielder’s choice (Cruz out at second) allowing Overbay to score.  Suzuki then grounded into a fielder’s choice allowing Nunez to score.  8-3 Twins after four.

Preston Claiborne pitched a scoreless fifth for the Yankees, strikng out Hicks and Carroll.  Adam Warren was then brought in to pitch 2 1/3 innings.

In the bottom of the seventh the Yankees scored their final run when Ichiro Suzuki on a full count homered to right field.  8-4 Twins after seven.

In the top of the eighth Pedro Florimon doubled.  The next batter Brian Dozier doubled on a 2-1 pitch scoring Florimon.  9-4 Twins after 7 1/2.

For the top of the ninth the Yankees brought in former good pitcher Joba Chamberlain (pictured here.)

Hi. I’m Joba Chamberlain. I used to be good.

The former phenom allowed a single to Trevor Plouffe and walked Aaron Hicks. After Clete Thomas singled Plouffe scored on a passed ball.  10-4 Twins after 8 1/2.  And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

As everyone knows after the All Star break Commissioner Bud ” My kingdom for my legacy” Selig will bring the hammer down, suspending upwards of 20 baseball players, including AROD and my second favorite Venezuelan Francisco Cervelli.

As much as I hate to defend idiots like AROD and Ryan Braun no one has tested positive for anything.  And let’s be very suspicious of Selig for finally discovering that old time religion.  Where was he in ’98?  Be very suspicious of management trying to make an example of workers.  Rumor has it AROD is facing a potential lifetime ban or a 150 game ban.  Like I said, beware management worried about their legacy.

That said…..

This would explain the Yankee public address announcer’s between innings message:

During the course of the game experience bats, ball, syringes, hookers and Jay-Z may be thrown into the stands.  Remain safe and alert. If you have a question about your surroundings contact a Yankee representative who will laugh at you.

By the top of the ninth so many fans had left that Yankee Stadium was quieter and deader than my bedroom on a Saturday night.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of  “The Intellect understands that the will wills and the will wills the intellect to understand” did nothing for the fans.  In fact, it got me punched.

Today was Bat Day at Yankee Stadium.  Every fan 14 and under got to meet Batman.

Yeah, it’s me Batman. Work has been slow. Most supervillians now work for the Feds.

No word if Robin was in attendance.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I’m getting awful tired of your razzing on my town.  If I wasn’t so drunk and surly I’d get out of the pool and challenge you.”

Philadelphia.  Groucho was right about that town.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “Snakes!  Snakes!  Snakes!’

Lay off the tequila, baby.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I have my fire starting dog trapped in Camden.  But he’s heavily armed and has an army of dog followers.”

Arrange an armistice.  Ask for talks.  Then assassinate him at the conference.

A.P of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, ‘Prison isn’t so bad.  I get free food and a nice bed to sleep and I don’t have to work out in the sun.”

I thought a political prisoner like you would be moved to a Supermax facility out west?

Recommended reading material:

The Politics of Glory:  How baseball’s hall of fame really works, by Bill James.

And so my record stands at 5-4 this year.  My next game is Tuesday August 13th against the Los Angeles Angels of California of Anaheim.

Go Yankees!

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“There’s no crying in baseball.  But there should be.” ~ Yankee executive that signed AROD to a ten-year contract.

Humid as humid does

Fresh off yesterday’s tough loss the Yankees hoped to rebound, starting Ivan Nova (4-2 3.63).  The Royals’ starter was Wade Davis (4-8 5.89).

As they did last night the Yankees scored a run in the bottom of the first.  Brett Gardner led off with a walk and reached second on an Ichiro single.  After Cano grounded out advancing Gardner and Ichiro, Gardner scored on a passed ball.  Ichiro tried to score from second on the same passed ball but was called out.  Why did he try to score?  Perhaps he was trying to gain Innominatus’ respect. 1-0 Yankees after one.

In the bottom of the third Cashman’s latest garbage aquisition Luis Cruz led of with a single and went to second when Brett Gardner was hit by a pitch. After Ichiro Suzuki flied out to center Robinson Cano hit a 1-1 pitch for a three-run blast into monument park in deep center.   4-0 Yankees after three.

In the bottom of the sixth the Yankees batted round.  Cano led off with a single.  Vernon Wells, pitch hitting for Travis Hafner singled and Zoilo “Gehrig” Almonte walked. On a full count Lyle Overbay then hit a grand slam into left field.  8-0 Yankees after six.

Kansas City ruined Nova’s shutout when in the top of the 8th Alcides “You are mistaken white man.  I am not the drug lord” Escobar singled and then stole second on defensive indifference. He then scored on an Eric Hosmer double.  8-1 Yankees after 8.  Joba “Soon to be an ex-Yankee” Chamberlain pitched the ninth.

Final score: Yankees 8 Kansas City 1.

Ivan Nova pitched another great game, going eight innings while allowing only five hits and striking out six.  Hopefully the Nova that we thought would be a mainstay in the rotation is back.

Notes on the game:

Brett Gardner did not have an official at bat in the game, walking twice and being hit by the pitch twice.

Joba Chamberlain is a sad example of what the Yankees do to young talent.  He was lightning in a bottle when he came up in 2007.  The Yankees should have left him alone in the bullpen.  Instead they tried to make him a starter and destroyed him.

As the Yankee do every game, between innings they have the “subway race” where the D, C, and 4 trains (the subway lines that go to Yankee Stadium) race on the scoreboard.  The 4 train won.  He was immediately disqualified because of his connections to the Biogenesis scandal.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of  “a special impediment exists in man from the humidity of the brain”  left the crowd unmoved.  See AROD’s contract.

After the game Ichiro was asked what he thought of Innominatus.  He replied that “Innominatus is a bad man. A bad, bad man.  Very bad.  Very, very, very bad.  Very bad. I spit on him.  I spit on his dog.”

Jeesh, we get the point Ichiro.  You don’t have to be so anal.  It’s like he’s Japanese or something.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Next time I come to New York I’m kicking your ass on behalf of all Philadelphians.”

I apologize for D.B. readers.  I think he’s been bit.  You know. He’s a ‘walker” now.

D.B. of Philadelphia also writes, “That’s not true!”

I have a crossbow and i will shoot you in the head.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “Soon me and my 39 cats will rule the world.  I used to have 40 but she was eaten by one of the other cats.”

It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I found my house-burning dog in Philadelphia. He’s mayor now.”

Flush him out.  Catch him as he runs towards Camden.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I destroyed my credit cards, had plastic surgery and  I’m on the run.  But they still found me!  It’s like they have spies everywhere.”

Yeah, sorry about ratting you out.  But they offered me a lot of money.

Recommended reading material:

The Limits of Dissent: Clement L. Vallandigham and the Civil War by Frank L. Klement

And so my record stands at 5-3 this year.  My next game is Sunday July 14th against the Minnesota Twins.

Go Yankees!

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“When people think of the Yankees I want them to think of me giving old people jobs.” ~ Yankee GM Brian Cashman

Humid as humid does

Having lost two in a row the 2013 Yankees (just like the 1973 Yankees but with 100 percent more expensive ticket prices) tried to get a win against the Kansas City Royals.  The Yankees started CC Sabathia (9-7 3.99) while the Royals started James Shields (3-6 3.12).

The Yankees scored first in the bottom of the first.  Brett “Male Pattern Baldness” Gardner on a 1-1  pitch pushed a bunt single.  Ichiro “Innominatus is a bad, bad man” Suzuki then singled Gardner to third.  Robinson Cano then hit a 2-1 pitch for a single scoring Gardner.   After Travis “Not a country singer” Hafner struck out Zoilo Almontes singled loading the bases.  Bases loaded.  One out.  Time for the Yankees to score some more runs?  Nonsense.  This is the 2013 Yankees.  Lyle Overbay then struck out and Eduardo Nunez flied out to right field.  1-0 Yankees after one.

And so the score remained 1-0 until the sixth inning.  Sabathia had been cruising up to this point only giving up one hit to Miguel Tejada in the third.  But David Lough (yeah, that David Lough)  led off the sixth and on a 1-1 count homered to deep right.  Sabathia then got the next three out in order but the damage had been done.  1-1 Yankees after 5 1/2.  And the way the Yankee offense has been going one run might be all they score.

Billy Butler led off the top of the seventh for Kansas City and on a 0-1 pitch homered to deep right.  2-1 Kansas City after 6 1/2.

In the top of the eighth Alcides Escober doubled.  The next batter, Eric Hosmer doubled him home.  3-1 Kansas City after  1/2.  And that was the final score.

Sabathia pitched well (nine innings, seven hits, six strikeouts) but was victimized by the Yankees anemic offense.  And don’t count on AROD helping.  Rumor has it he’ll be suspended after the All Star game.  And don’t count on Jeter helping much either.  He’s 39 and coming off a devastating ankle injury. Which Jeter will we get back?  The Jeter from last year or the Jeter of 2011 who looked washed up?

Notes on the game:

Yankee rookie Zoilo Almonte is only the second person named Zoilo to play in the Majors. The first was of course Zoilo Gehrig (pictured here)

Ay carumba I gotta disease!

who played for the Yankees in the 20s and 30s.  Many remember his farewell speech, dubbed the “Gettysburg Address of Baseball“:

Los amigos de los Estado Unidos.  Mi body es muy malo.  Ay Carumba!  Mi no es lucky man.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of  “The  judgement of the intellect is hindered by suspension of the senses”  left the crowd unmoved.  Hey, what else can you say about AROD’s contract?  The Yankee brain trust must have been on crack when they handed it out.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Philadelphia is a proud city.  The birthplace of America.  It was the capital of America during its infancy.”

Infancy?  No wonder Philly smells like diapers.

D.B. of Philadelphia also writes, “That’s not true!”

I’m from New York.  I’m correct in this matter.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “Soon.  Soon me and my 40 cats will rule the world.”

Are you sure you’re not from Philadelphia?

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I’m still searching for my dog.  The one that burned down my house.  When I find him he will pay.”

He’s probably in Philadelphia where all the bad dogs go.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “The IRS showed up at my door and  invited me into their van. I refused.  Did I do right?”

Destroy your credit cards.  Get plastic surgery.  Run!

Ichiro Suzuki writes, “Innominatus is a bad man. A very bad man.”

Well what do you expect. He lives in Oregon.

Recommended reading material:

Paterson by William Carlos Williams.

And so my record stands at 4-3 this year.  My next game is Wednesday July 10th against the selfsame Kansas City Royals.

Go Yankees!

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