“I used to be good.” ~ Joba Chamberlain

If you look closely you can see the Yankee sucking.

Today the Yankees wrapped up the first half of the season with a game against the Minnesota Twins.  The Yankees started their “ace” Carsten Charles Sabathia (9-8 4.07) and the Twins started, in only his fourth start in the majors, rookie Kyle Gibson (2-2 6.45).

Let’s see.  The Yankee “ace” against a rookie.  What could go wrong?

Plenty.

The Twins got on the board first in the top of the second.  Ryan Doumit and Trevor Plouffe hit back-to-back singles.  After an Aaron Hicks strike out and a Chris Thomas fly out to right field Jamey Carroll singled home home Doumit.  Shortstop Pedro Florimon then singled home Plouffe.  2-0 Twins after 1 1/2.

The barrage by the Twins and sloppy play by the Yankees continued in the top of the third. After Justin Mourneau doubled Trevor Plouffe should have been thrown out 6-3 for the final out of the inning.  I say should have.  But Eduardo Nunez is our shortstop so his throw pulled Lyle Overbay off the bag allowing Plouffe to reach safely on the E6.   And of course the next batter up, Aaron Hicks, on the first pitch homered to deep left.  5-0 Twins after 2 1/2.

The Yankees got a run back (let’s give them a hand folks.  God bless them they are really trying)  in the bottom of the third. Innominatus’ archnemesis Ichiro Suzuki (pictured here)

You will build bridge for me, Innominatus!

led off with a single.  Zoilo Almonte then singled allowing Ichiro to move to third.  Robinson Cano, one of the Yankees two all-stars singled home Ichiro.  5-1 Twins after three.

The top of the fourth would be Carsten Charles last inning.  Jamey Carroll led off with a walk and went to third on a Brian Dozier double.  After a Joe Mauer walk Justin Mourneau singled home Carroll. The next batter, Ryan Doumit should have been out.  But this is the 2013 Yankees. Doumit was safe on Oberbay’s fielding error allowing Dozier and Mauer to score.  8-1 Twins after 3 1/2.

In the bottom of the fourth the Yankees scored twice (isn’t it cute how they try?).  Overbay led off with a single.  Nunez walked and Luis Cruz was hit by a pitch loading the bases.  Catcher Chris Stewart grounded into a fielder’s choice (Cruz out at second) allowing Overbay to score.  Suzuki then grounded into a fielder’s choice allowing Nunez to score.  8-3 Twins after four.

Preston Claiborne pitched a scoreless fifth for the Yankees, strikng out Hicks and Carroll.  Adam Warren was then brought in to pitch 2 1/3 innings.

In the bottom of the seventh the Yankees scored their final run when Ichiro Suzuki on a full count homered to right field.  8-4 Twins after seven.

In the top of the eighth Pedro Florimon doubled.  The next batter Brian Dozier doubled on a 2-1 pitch scoring Florimon.  9-4 Twins after 7 1/2.

For the top of the ninth the Yankees brought in former good pitcher Joba Chamberlain (pictured here.)

Hi. I’m Joba Chamberlain. I used to be good.

The former phenom allowed a single to Trevor Plouffe and walked Aaron Hicks. After Clete Thomas singled Plouffe scored on a passed ball.  10-4 Twins after 8 1/2.  And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

As everyone knows after the All Star break Commissioner Bud ” My kingdom for my legacy” Selig will bring the hammer down, suspending upwards of 20 baseball players, including AROD and my second favorite Venezuelan Francisco Cervelli.

As much as I hate to defend idiots like AROD and Ryan Braun no one has tested positive for anything.  And let’s be very suspicious of Selig for finally discovering that old time religion.  Where was he in ’98?  Be very suspicious of management trying to make an example of workers.  Rumor has it AROD is facing a potential lifetime ban or a 150 game ban.  Like I said, beware management worried about their legacy.

That said…..

This would explain the Yankee public address announcer’s between innings message:

During the course of the game experience bats, ball, syringes, hookers and Jay-Z may be thrown into the stands.  Remain safe and alert. If you have a question about your surroundings contact a Yankee representative who will laugh at you.

By the top of the ninth so many fans had left that Yankee Stadium was quieter and deader than my bedroom on a Saturday night.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of  “The Intellect understands that the will wills and the will wills the intellect to understand” did nothing for the fans.  In fact, it got me punched.

Today was Bat Day at Yankee Stadium.  Every fan 14 and under got to meet Batman.

Yeah, it’s me Batman. Work has been slow. Most supervillians now work for the Feds.

No word if Robin was in attendance.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I’m getting awful tired of your razzing on my town.  If I wasn’t so drunk and surly I’d get out of the pool and challenge you.”

Philadelphia.  Groucho was right about that town.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “Snakes!  Snakes!  Snakes!’

Lay off the tequila, baby.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I have my fire starting dog trapped in Camden.  But he’s heavily armed and has an army of dog followers.”

Arrange an armistice.  Ask for talks.  Then assassinate him at the conference.

A.P of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, ‘Prison isn’t so bad.  I get free food and a nice bed to sleep and I don’t have to work out in the sun.”

I thought a political prisoner like you would be moved to a Supermax facility out west?

Recommended reading material:

The Politics of Glory:  How baseball’s hall of fame really works, by Bill James.

And so my record stands at 5-4 this year.  My next game is Tuesday August 13th against the Los Angeles Angels of California of Anaheim.

Go Yankees!

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