Spock Fired as Hitting Coach

Your batting stance is highly illogical

Your batting stance is highly illogical

Spock was fired today as the hitting coach for the New York Yankees.

Hired amid much publicity last winter, the move was seen as a bold one by the Yankees and an attempt to change the culture of the clubhouse.

“Spock will bring a new hitting philosophy to our club” declared GM Brian Cashman.

In the past our offense has been one-dimensional, relying on power only.  Spock is going to change that.  He is going to make our offense many-faceted.  I’m excited to bring him to the Yankees and I promise great things next year for our fans.

After his introduction Spock took questions from the press and famously remarked that “To attempt to hit a home run off a knuckle ball is highly illogical.”

However the move soon proved unpopular with the Yankee batters themselves who complained that Spock was “aloof” and had trouble communicating a hitting philosophy to the players.

“I don’t like him” lamented Robinson Cano.

I hit .313 last year.  I hit 33 home runs and drove in 94 runs.  Yet the first day of spring training Spock pulls me aside and tells me that my batting stance was “highly illogical.”  What the hell does that mean?  Okay I said so what do I do?  He just raised his eyebrow and said, “Change it.”  Change it?  Give me some practical advice you Vulcan son of a bitch.

Before being hit by a pitch and breaking his forearm Curtis Granderson approached Spock and asked him if there was anything he could do to avoid being hit.

“Logically I would move out of the way of the incoming pitch” was Spock’s reply.

“I almost hit him over the head with my bat” said Granderson.

Despite given the nickname “Spockie” by manager Joe Girardi, Spock quickly lost status and influence in the clubhouse with many players seeking hitting advice outside the organization.

Brett Gardner for one hired the Cardassian Gul Dukat (pictured here after a recent game)

Be aggressive.  Attack the ball like it was Bejoran scum

Be aggressive. Attack the ball like it was Bajoran scum

“He helped me tremendously” said Gardner.

He told me to be aggressive at the plate, to attack the ball like it was Bajoran scum.  “When you swing at the ball just imagine you are sending a Bajoran family to a concentration camp” he said.

Soon the entire team was going to Dukat.

Sensing that Spock was no longer respected in the clubhouse Cashman reluctantly agreed to let him go.

“No one is to blame.  It just didn’t work out”  Cashman told reporters.

Spock was not without a job for long however.  He was immediately hired by the New York Jets as their offensive coordinator.  Said Spock at his introductory press conference:

To rely on Mark Sanchez’s passing alone is highly illogical.

“I like him” said head coach Rex Ryan.  “We think alike.”


2 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Cano didn’t get seriously hurt in the all-star game, did he?

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Inn: The official word is that he wasn’t seriously injured and should be back in the lineup tomorrow night.

      That’s the official word.

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