Murder is a racist term

I have written about this subject before here Manhattan Infidel Presents Your Professional NFL Player Malfeasance Template and here Manhattan Infidel Presents Yet Another Professional Athlete Malfeasance Template but with the arrest of Aaron Hernandez the time seemed fitting to revise and extend the Official NFL Malfeasance Template.

Is this your first felony?

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. Don’t be an idiot.  I play in the NFL.
4. It’s all about street cred, bro.

Did you murder Odin Lloyd?

1. No.
2. Maybe.
3. My memory is hazy after I shot him.
4. Odin Lloyd? The linebacker for a semiprofessional team? Like his death is important.

Why are so many NFL players committing violent felonies?

1. Sports teaches us to be violent.
2. Can’t get a sneaker contract without street cred, bro.
3. Odin Lloyd was talking to the wrong people.
4. This question is racist.

You maintain you are innocent.  Yet you were seen on surveillance tape shooting Lloyd in the back of the head.

1. Where else was I supposed to shoot him?
2. That tape?  It was actually footage from a video shoot for my new rap single.
3. Did you see the cops that arrested me?  White!
4. This question is racist.

So what’s life like behind bars?

1. A lot like life on the outside.  All the women here have penises.
2. A lot like life on the outside.  Except I get my sex for free.
3. I work in the prison laundromat.  There sure are a lot of penises at the prison laundromat.
4. Penises.

What’s next for Aaron Hernandez?

1. I have to start my shift at the prison laundromat.  Man the guards don’t even seem to care who I am!
2. I’m trading my cellmate for a pack of cigarettes.
3. Avoiding anal rape.
4. I’m building up my street cred.

Have you learned anything from this experience?

1. Getting rid of stains in dirty laundry isn’t as easy as it seems.  How do the Chinese do it?
2. If I’m good I might move up to making license plates.
3. Prison isn’t so bad.  At least Bill Belichick isn’t yelling at me and wearing that awful hoodie.
4. Street cred bro.  I might get another sneaker contract from my time behind bars.

And there you have it readers.  The (hopefully) final revised and extended NFL Malfeasance Template.   It’s all about street cred, bro.

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