16 Sep 13

Deal Reached to Avert War in Syria or Something

Herman Munster and Sergey Lavrov discuss their historic agreement

Herman Munster and Sergey Lavrov discuss their historic agreement

United States Secretary of State Herman Munster John Kerry and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey V. Lavrov have announced a historic agreement that will avoid a U.S. airstrike against Syria.

Speaking at a joint press conference Mr. Munster Kerry said that

This agreement, if fully implemented, will avert U.S airstrikes and provide a framework for peace and security in the world.

The two men held a series of marathon meetings in Geneva lasting three days before  making the announcement.  But for a while the prospects of an agreement looked bleak, with Munster Kerry sending a cable to Washington complaining that

These Russians don’t seem to want to do Washington’s bidding.  It’s almost like they aren’t part of the United States.   I think we should fire Putin.  How he ever became governor is beyond me.

As a lover of peace and as a service to my readers I now give in full the text of the historic joke agreement that will avert war with Syria solidify Russian supremacy in the world:

  1. Syria agrees to give up all its chemical weapons.  No.  Seriously.
  2. Syria also agrees to inspection by teams of chemical weapons inspectors from the United Nations. These United Nations inspectors will have free reign throughout the country.  No.  Seriously.  No one will attempt to obstruct them. Because they’re from the UN and are impartial.  No.  Seriously.
  3. If chemical weapons are found in Syria the United Nations security council will call upon the United States to enact strict gun control laws.  Because guns are bad.
  4. Should Syria refuse to hand over its chemical weapons the United Nations security council will call upon the United States to arrest George Zimmerman and charge him with the murder of Trayvon Martin.
  5. The United States will apologize for racism.
  6. The United States will implement the Kyoto protocols and lower its carbon footprint.
  7. What?  Oh, Syria.  Right.
  8. If chemical weapons are found in Syria they will be destroyed by firing them at John Kerry’s forehead,
    Fire those chemical weapons at my forehead. I dare you. I double dog dare you!

    Fire those chemical weapons at my forehead. I dare you. I double dog dare you!

    the only known substance that can resist a chemical weapon attack.

  9. Once all chemical weapons in Syria are destroyed the United States agrees to arrest Sarah Palin.  Why?  Because we’re the United Nations and backward thinking, red neck Americans embarrass us.
  10. After arresting Sarah Palin the United States agrees to abolish the electoral college and its constitution and agrees to adopt a more civilized, European-style parliamentary democracy.
  11. Vladimir Putin agrees to take his shirt off and wrestle a bear until it is dead.  By doing this he will show the United States that its racism and gun-crazy culture will not be tolerated by the rest of the world.
  12. Syria?  Stop trying to change the subject. We are talking about American racism.
  13. Once a parliamentary system is set up in the United States, Vladimir Putin agrees to move to America and lead that country.
  14. Summing up:  Chemical weapons are bad, especially when supplied by the United States.
  15. The United States agrees to apologize for supplying the Syrian government with chemical weapons.
  16. The United States agrees to give Michael Bublé his own TV show because we at the United Nations like him and feel he is an example of a sophisticated, European-style American.
  17. What?  Michael Bublé is Canadian?  Well that explains it.
  18. The United States agrees to remain out of Syrian affairs and let that peaceful, Muslim country progress in perfect freedom and sharia law.
  19. Dunkin Donuts makes great coffee.
  20. Finally, the United States agrees to pay for all costs associated with the cleanup of any chemical weapons, real or imaginary that may or may not be found in Syria.

On behalf of all Americans I’d like to thank Secretary of State Munster Kerry for negotiating this deal.

(1334)

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13 Sep 13

Santa Dies in Tragic Sleigh Crash

This is the last known photo of Santa in his new Learjet sleigh

This is the last known photo of Santa in his new Learjet sleigh

Santa Claus was killed today while testing his new Learjet sleigh.

Santa took off from Orlando, Florida shortly before 9 am on a flight to Dallas, Texas.  On board with Santa were his agent and the two pilots.

The last contact with Santa’s flight was at 9:27 am when the sleigh was instructed to climb to 33,000 feet.  At 9:33 am Santa’s sleigh did not respond to a call to change radio frequencies.  The sleigh then angled off course, flying over the southern and mid-western United States.

The sleigh was tracked by Air Force and Air National Guard F-16s who observed that the sleigh was iced over and with no apparent movement in the cockpit.

The sleigh continued flying until it ran out of gas and crashed ten miles south of Aberdeen, South Dakota, killing all on board.

The National Transportation Safety Board has tentatively identified the cause of the crash as a “catastrophic loss of cabin pressure” and  pointed the finger of blame squarely at Santa and his unfamiliarity with his new sleigh.

“Look,” said NTSB president Deborah Hersman.

Santa wanted a newer, faster sleigh.  And he got one.  The Learjet sleigh was much quicker than his old sleigh.  The problem was that to reach its optimum speed it had to climb higher than Santa was used to.  He had to artificially pressurize the cockpit of the sleigh in order to survive.  But did he do that?  No.  The design of the sleigh used an open cockpit.  An open cockpit!  We told him that was a bad idea.  You know what he said?  “The magic of Santa will protect me.  Ho Ho Ho!”  Fat bastard.  He’s responsible for his death.  I’m just sorry he took some innocent people with him.

As word of Santa’s death spread, chaos began to mount.  Many parents reported that their erstwhile well-mannered children were “going to hell in a hand basket.”

“My child won’t do his homework now.  ‘If Santa is dead what’s the f*cking point’ he told me.” said one parent.

Elementary schools have had to hire extra security as distraught children have overturned their desks and sharpened their pencils into lethal objects.

“It’s a war zone” said a teacher.  “The kids are chanting ‘No Santa No Homework!’  I’m scared.  Tell my wife I love her.”

President Obama has called upon children everywhere to remain calm.

Yes children.  The reports you are hearing are true.  Our beloved Santa is dead.  But not to fear.  A new Santa is ready to take over.  I have been in contact with him and he is excited about the opportunity to bring toys to children every Christmas.

As for the identity of the new Santa, reports indicate that David Caruso

No sunglasses for you!

No sunglasses for you!

has been hired.

“He is very excited about his new role” said his agent.

All day long he’s been taking his sunglasses on and off and saying “Looks like some gentile child is getting presents.”

However there are reports that Caruso is unpopular with the Elves.

“Motherf*cker kicked a trash can.  It just missed my head” said one elf.

Caruso can opt out of his Santa role after one year.  If he does choose to opt out the current favorite to replace him is Jimmy Smits.

(4748)

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12 Sep 13

President Obama Speaks to America About the War With Syria

My fellow Americans: Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!

My fellow Americans: Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!

With a potential war with Syria still looming, on Tuesday September 10th President Obama addressed the nation.  As a service to my readers I present the president’s speech, unexpurgated and unaltered, just as it was delivered.

My fellow Americans, tonight I want to talk to you about Syria — why it matters, and where we go from here.

Over 100,000 people have been killed. Millions have fled.  But enough about Chicago and Detroit.

But I have resisted calls for military action, because we cannot resolve someone else’s civil war through force, particularly after a decade of war in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Thank you George Bush and the rest of you Republican war mongers.

The situation has changed profoundly. A thousand people, including hundreds of children dead. The images from this massacre are sickening: Men, women, children lying in rows, killed. Others foaming at the mouth, gasping for breath. A father clutching his dead children, imploring them to get up and walk.  But as I said, enough about Chicago.

The facts cannot be denied.  But I will try my best anyway.

The question now is what the United States of America, and the international community, is prepared to do about it. Because what happened to those people — to those children — is not only a violation of international law, it’s also a danger to our security and my third term as president.

Therefore to save the children of Syria I am proposing repealing the second amendment.

After careful deliberation, I determined that it is in the national security interests of the United States to respond to the Assad regime’s use of chemical weapons through a targeted military strike.

I will not put American boots on the ground in Syria. The boots our soldiers wear are made in China.

I will not pursue an open-ended action like Iraq or Afghanistan.  You know, the kind of military action blood-thirsty Republicans like.

The Assad regime does not have the ability to seriously threaten our military. Only I have that capability.

Our ally, Israel, can defend itself with overwhelming force.  Unfortunately.  I really wish that country would be wiped out.

I’ve spoken to the leaders of two of our closest allies, France and the United Kingdom, and we will work together in consultation with Russia and China to put forward a resolution at the U.N. Security Council requiring Assad to give up his chemical weapons, and to ultimately destroy them under international control. We’ll also give U.N. inspectors the opportunity to rape and pillage civilians. 

The burdens of leadership are often heavy.  Or so I’ve heard.  I don’t know.  I think Putin told me that.

And so, to my bloodthirsty warmongering friends on the right, I ask you to reconcile your love of bloodshed with a failure to act when a cause is so plainly just.

To my friends on the left, I ask you to reconcile your belief in freedom and dignity for all people except teabaggers and Christians with those images of children writhing in pain, and going still on a cold hospital floor.  But as I mentioned earlier, I am not here to talk about Chicago.

With modest effort and risk, we can stop children from being gassed to death.  I also ask those on the right to support abortion rights.

Thank you. Allah bless you. And Allah bless the United States of America.

(549)

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11 Sep 13

9/11 Twelve Years Later: The Hooray for Hollywood Edition

Capitalists get what's coming to them.

Capitalists get what’s coming to them.

It has now been 12 years since the man-caused disaster that afflicted the capital of capitalism in the United States.

When the towers came down many in America looked to Hollywood to once again rally around the President and the country as they did during World War II.

What follows are some of the examples of the patriotism of Hollywood as it strove to do its duty during the war:

  • Oliver Stone vows to make only pro-American films.

“This is a tragedy.  Like all Americans I am sickened by this attack on our soil.  We must defeat this dangerous enemy.”  Those were the words of famed director Oliver Stone shortly after 9/11.

A man of his word he devoted the next decade to serving the war effort.  Everyone remembers his Academy award winning movie, “When the Marines Come Marching In” which depicted our brave Marines taking Baghdad.

“I wanted to depict our troops in the positive light they deserve” said Stone as he won his Oscar.

  • Matt Damon and Tim Robbins join the armed services.

These outspoken actors put their money where their mouth was and volunteered for service in the months after 9/11.

“I want to give back to the country that has given so much to me” said Damon.

“We are fighting for freedom and democracy” said Robbins.

Wounded in action, Damon spent the rest of the war attending fundraisers and war bond drives.

  • Green Day joins the Air Force.

Punk Rock bank Green Day, fronted by Billie Joe Armstrong, joins the Air Force to help improve morale.

“Like Glenn Miller did during World War II, we feel that by joining the Air Force and touring as the new and improved Green Day Air Force Band we can give our soldiers a little something of home and remind them of why they are fighting” said Armstrong.

Sadly Armstrong’s plane disappeared over the English Channel.  Rumor has it that he was shot down.

“Look, while he was doing his part for the cause no one liked the asshole” said a source that wishes to remain anonymous.

  • Roseanne Barr donates her fat to charity.

Famous corpulent comedian Roseanne Barr does her part for the war effort by donating her fat to a charity benefiting soldiers overseas.

“I got lots of fat.  Lots of it.  Hundreds of miles if you lay it out in a straight line.  And I hope my fat will be used to keep our soldiers warm during those cold winter nights.  What?  They’re fighting in the desert?  I want my f*cking fat back!”

  • Will Smith lowers the thermostat in his “supervan” to 65 degrees.

Hollywood superstar Will Smith is known for his love of luxury, frequently using a “Supervan” while on location to keep him comfortable.  For the duration of the war he lowered the thermostat to 65.

“It was the least I could do.  By lowering the temperature to a nonoptimal 65 I feel that I am sharing in the sufferings of our brave troops.”

These are just a few of the many heroic sacrifices Hollywood made during the war.

There wouldn’t be space enough on the internet to show all of Hollywood’s actions.  But I hope these few instances will help forever solidify Hollywood’s reputation as the pro-American bastion that it is.

(664)

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10 Sep 13

RFK Jr. Sex Diary Released to Public

My lust demons compel me to enter your backside

My lust demons compel me to enter your backside

Noted leech, unemployed man, former heroin addict  environmental activist Robert Kennedy Jr., son of the slain senator has had his “sex diary” released to the public.

The 398 page bombshell diary contains a list of his conquests with the numbers 1 through 10 next to them.  One being copping a feel, eight being intercourse and ten being “something freaky with a mop handle.”

Among the more salacious entries in the diary are this one describing a romp in a hotel room:

My lust demons are active today.  I went to a party honoring Christopher Reeve.  What’s with his stupid wheelchair?  Anyway, like I said my lust demon took over and I grabbed this girl and brought her to my hotel room.  She seemed honored at first to receive attention from a member of America’s royal family.  She asked me if I wanted to talk about the environment.  That’s when I bent her over the table and inserted my penis of social justice inside her. She screamed in pain, no doubt at the thought of the Republican war on women.  Then I released my load inside her.  She didn’t like that but I told her that the consummation of my lust act inside her was good for the environment.  “You don’t want that fluid just lying around fouling mother Earth, do you?”

This entry, underlined and entitled “Important shit to remember“  describes the advice his uncle the senator from Massachusetts gave him: 

Uncle Teddy called me today and asked me how my lust demons were.  I said I was manfully trying to resist them.  Then he started laughing.  I said, “No really.  I’m trying to resist.”  That’s when he hung up.  He called me back and said “I’m sorry Bob but you’re a Kennedy.  You can do better.  Women are pieces of dirt anyway.  They’ll be happy to be penetrated by you.  You’re a Democrat and when you stick your penis in a woman you do it for the poor.”  I thanked him for his advice. He always gives me useful advice, like the time he told me to make sure that you always give women cab fare or they might insist you drive them home and, well, accidents happen.

One entry discusses his feelings towards his second wife:

I’m so proud of Mary. She overcame her fears and gave me a child.  Of course now her body is defaced with stretch marks.  That makes her disgusting to me.  That’s why my lust demon makes me seek out other women.  It’s my wife’s fault.  I’m the victim here!  She’s useless to me now.  I wish she’s just kill herself or something. 

This shocking entry tells of an encounter gone horribly wrong:

I had a call from an environmental lawyer.  A woman.  Jeesh can’t these women realize their place is in the bedroom not the boardroom? Anyway my wife Mary was out, probably looking for anti-stretch mark lotion and she came over.  We talked for a few minutes then I asked her if she’s ever seen the penis of a member of American royalty.  She screamed and tried to run for the door.  I grabbed her and inserted my penis of social justice in her mouth.  She choked and gagged and refused to swallow the load of peace.  When I consummated the act my penis was outside her mouth and the fluid squirted on the floor.  I berated her.  “This is bad for the environment.  Polar bears are going to die because of you.”  She cried and ran to her car and drove off.  Women are such tramps!

Not that it was all fun and games for Kennedy.  Certain entries such as this one describe his guilt over being unable to control his lust demons:

I must avoid the company of women.  Resist their charms.  Be humble like a monk.  Avert your eyes.  Keep your hands to yourself.  Unless of course the tramp wants it.

Mr. Kennedy has had no comment on the release of his sex diary.

(959)

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9 Sep 13

White Hispanic Gets Speeding Ticket!

This is the cold-blooded face of speeding.

This is the cold-blooded face of speeding.

History’s greatest monster, George Zimmerman, was stopped  in Orlando, Florida and cited for speeding.

“Sorry” said the unrepentant monster speedster to the officer who pulled him over.

As to why Zimmerman felt he could go 60 miles per hour in a 45 mile per hour zone there is speculation that he will use the so-called “White privilege” defense.  Said a prominent sociologist:

White people, as the dominant oppressive race, naturally feel that law does not apply to them.  They feel they can break laws with no consequences.  It’s understandable that white people feel like this.  They are naturally cold-blooded.  That’s a medical fact. Look it up. And with Zimmerman’s white blood coursing through his veins I suspect he had a “white high.”  When one is in the throes of a white high one cares about nothing except oneself.  One does not think of the consequences of one’s actions. That’s what makes white people so dangerous.

Former New Mexico governor Bill Richardson, himself a white Hispanic, had this to say about Zimmerman’s speeding ticket:

As a victim of white Hispanicism I myself have often been conflicted.  When I get behind the wheel of a car my Hispanic side wants to respect the law and stay within the speed limit.  Why?  I want to stay under the radar of ‘The Man.”  But my white side keeps telling me to go faster.  Ignore the law.  My white blood is the law!  So I speed up.  Sometimes I run over full-blooded Hispanics.  Why?  Because I enjoy it.  Once I ran over a cat.  It bounced right off my windshield.  I don’t know if it was a Hispanic cat or not.  But if it was, well then it deserved to die.

Felix the cat (pictured here)

White Hispanics make me fear for my life

White Hispanics make me fear for my life

who himself has had many close calls with cars driven by white Hispanics has called upon Congress to pass a law against mixing of bloodlines.

White people should keep their blood to themselves.  We don’t need them corrupting other, purer blood.  Why do you think blood is red?  It’s blood of color!  I don’t know what color white people’s blood is.  If they have blood.  I don’t think they do.  No.  Definitely not.  White people do not have blood.  I think they bleed acid.  I saw it in a movie and that makes it a scientific fact.

Dora the Explorer, who is a full-blooded Hispanic, called for the strict observance of international speed limit standards.

“Can’t we all just obey the speed limit?”

As for Zimmerman, his lawyer is confident his client will not have any points added to his license.

I have asked my client to change his first name to a more appropriate one such as Carlos or Juan.  The name change combined with my client apologizing for slavery will go a long way towards rehabilitating his image.

There has been no public comment from Zimmerman but his soon to be ex wife is not surprised.

I told him that once he got the taste of killing it would only be a matter of time before he started speeding.

President Obama is expected to cut short his G20 summit to address the crisis.

(702)

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6 Sep 13

Boredom, Misery, Joy, Exaltation, The Bitter Dregs of Joba: Just Another Yankee-Red Sox Game

“Buy me some peanuts and HGH/I don’t care if I stop producing testosterone” ~ old baseball sing-a-long.

The Red Sox should not be allowed to exist in a civilized society.

The Red Sox should not be allowed to exist in a civilized society.

Fresh off a three-game sweep of the hapless White Sox, the Yankees started a four-game series against the American League East leading Boston Red Sox.

The Yankees started the American League pitcher of the month for August, Ivan Nova.  And, as befits the American League pitcher of the month for August he sucked in September and had to leave the game after four innings when his pitch count hovered around 95.  Seven batters were able to get full counts off of Ivan.

The Yankee offense was nonexistent off Red Sox starter Jake Peavey.  Stage one:  Boredom.

When Nova was taken out the Yankees put in Preston Claiborne, then Cesar Cabral, then Adam Warren.

By the seventh the Yankees were down 7-2.  Stage two:  Misery.

It seems the Yanks would lose to Boston.  (I blame global warming.)

But then the Yankees put 10 people to the plate in the bottom of the seventh, scored six runs and went ahead 8-7.

Stage three:  Joy.

David Robertson pitched a scoreless 8th and then Mariano Rivera came in to pitch the ninth.

Stage four:  Exaltation.  Or so it usually is when Rivera pitches.  He got the first two out but then Mike Napoli singled, stole second and went to third on catcher Austin Romine’s throwing error.  He scored the tying run on a Stephen Drew single.

Bottom of the ninth.  We can come back, right?

You live by Alfonso Soriano, you die by Alfonso Soriano.

After Robinson Cano popped up to second base, Soriano walked and then stole second.  A single would score him.  But then Soriano reminded Yankee fans why we got rid of him in the first place:  He’s not the smartest baseball player.  He promptly got in a rundown trying to steal third and was tagged out.

Son.  What were you thinking?  Curtis Granderson then struck out for the final out of the inning.

Stage five:  The bitter dregs of Joba “Now that I suck my native American heritage isn’t as romantic” Chamberlain.

I did not stick around to watch him pitch the 10th since I knew what the result would be. Why torture myself.  Watching Joba blow the game would as much fun as watching Chuck Todd beg to dip his ballsack in President Obama’s bathwater.  It’s just unseemly.

Final score:  Red Sox 9.  Yankees 8

Notes on the game:

Today was “deep despair and the crumbling of all your dreams” night at Yankee stadium.  The first 10,000 fans in attendance were encouraged to start a career in the exciting and lucrative field of Information Technology.

The Yankees apparently have no shame.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “Simple fornication is a mortal sin!” did nothing but anger my fellow Gotham libertines.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Simple fornication?  What else is there to do in Philadelphia?”

Touche.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “Does this look infected?”

You’ve been mortal sinning again, haven’t you?

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I have declared this Year One of my reign over the Canines. They answer to me now and do my will!”

Uh huh.  Just wait until you break out the vacuum cleaner.  Your reign will end in shame and confusion.

A.P of Poughkeepsie writes, “I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy.”

Why the hell not? Son this is not a time for doing things half-assed.

Recommended reading material:

The Armies of the Streets:  The New York City Draft Riots of 1863 by Adrian Cook.

And so my record stands at 8-6 this year.

My next game is Sunday September 22 against the defending world champion New York San Francisco Giants. (Rumor has it that noted Giant fan Innominatus may make an appearance.)

Go Yankees!

(1436)

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5 Sep 13

My Exclusive Interview with a Zombie

All we want is a little respect!

All we want is a little respect!

Zombies are much in the news lately with many TV shows and movies being built around them.  With that in mind today at Manhattan Infidel I am honored to snag an interview with a member of the community of the undead.

MI:Welcome to my humble blog.

Z: Thank you.  It’s a pleasure to be here.

MI:   I must say you’re very articulate and clean cut for a zombie.

Z: That’s racist!  That’s a racist comment and you should be ashamed of yourself!

MI: I’m…..I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean anything by it.

Z:  Okay then.  We’ll let it pass.

MI: I mean I’m not anti-zombie at all.  Lots of bloggers are zombies.  I don’t mind them.  As long as they don’t move into my neighborhood or date my children.

Z: What?

MI: Now, first question.  What it’s like being a zombie?

Z: We’re hunters and gatherers mainly, much like your native Americans.

MI: Oh, the merciless Indian savages.  Yes, I heard they had primitive ways.

Z: What?  You really should  stop talking like that.

MI:  So tell me what do zombies do for fun?

Z: We absolutely love soccer.

MI: Really?

Z: Oh yes.

MI: I didn’t know that.

Z: It fits our skill set.  As zombies we are slow moving and uncoordinated.

MI:  Much like soccer players themselves.  Now I get the connection.

Z: Exactly.  In fact many professional soccer players are zombies.  So the next time you see a soccer player collapse on the field he’s not faking an injury, he’s just a zombie.

MI: Wow.  So any famous zombies my readers would like to know about?

Z: Joe Biden.  He’s a hero to us.  The first zombie to breakthrough and have mainstream success in the living community.

MI: Any others?

Z: Kanye West, Jay-Z, Keith Olbermann – though we all hate him – the entire 2013 New York Yankees.

MI:  Even Jeter?

Z: Why do you think he broke his ankle?  Zombies shouldn’t play shortstop.  We’re natural first baseman.

MI: That makes sense.  Now I have to ask this.  Do you watch the Walking Dead?

Z: Yeah.  The entire show is one giant hate crime against our race.

MI: How so?

Z: First off we rarely bite the living. Unless they’re with the EPA.  We’re vegans for the most part. The living just taste funny.  Too fresh.

MI: So what’s next for the zombie community?

Z: We’re trying to get our own land where we can live together.

MI: Like the savage Indians on their reservations?

Z: I’ll let that pass.  And once we get our own land we can build our own culture without interference from the living. It should be exciting.

MI:Who do zombies vote for?

Z:Well as you can imagine since we are dead we vote for Democrats.

MI: Do any zombies vote Republican?

Z: Yeah.  Mainly third and fourth generation zombies who have forgotten where they came from.

MI: Well that about wraps up my questions. Um, dude, your arm just fell off.

Z:  No problem.  I’ll just tape it back on.  Being dead we have these problems.

I thank the unnamed zombie for stopping by.  And I would ask my readers to be good Americans and good neighbors and welcome the zombies into your neighborhood.  They’re just like you and I.  But dead.

(716)

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4 Sep 13

A Message From President Obama

I am proud to lead you sons of bitches into battle.

I am proud to lead you sons of bitches into battle.

Good afternoon, everybody.  Ten days ago the world watched in horror as men, women and children were massacred in Syria in the worst chemical attack the world has ever seen.  Well, except for the ones we did.

This attack is an assault on human dignity. Like some of Michelle’s dresses.

Now after careful deliberation I have decided that the United States should take military action against the Syrian regime.

I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country.  He won it by bombing the crap out of the other poor bastard.  And I remind you I am a Nobel Peace Prize winner so I know how to win wars.

Americans traditionally love to fight.  All real Americans love the sting of battle. That’s why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war. Well, except for the last three we’ve fought.

You know by God I actually pity those poor bastards we are going up against.  By God I do.  We’re not just going to shoot the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.  We’re going to murder those lousy Syrian bastards by the bushel.

The Syrians are the enemy.  Wade into them.  Spill their blood.  Shoot them in the belly.

Except we won’t be doing any of that.  This will not be an open-ended intervention. We will not put boots on the ground. But I’m confident we can hold the Assad regime accountable.  No matter what that Putin says.  He’s mean and I don’t like him.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember.  I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position.  We’re not holding anything.  Let the Syrian scum do that.  We are advancing constantly and we are not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We’re going to kick the hell out of them all the time and we’re going to go through them like crap through a goose!

Except as I said before we won’t be doing that.  This is strictly a limited operation.

Having decided on this action I have also made a second decision.  I will seek congressional authorization for this strictly limited operation.

Over the last several days I have heard from members of Congress who want their voices to be heard.  But they disagree with me.  That means they are racist and Syrian scum sympathizers.

Now there’s one more thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home.  And you may thank God for it.  Thirty years from now when you are sitting around your fireside because by then light bulbs will be illegal and your grandson is on your knee and he asks you “What did you do in the great war with Syria?”  you won’t have to say “Well I shoveled shit in Louisiana.”

Alright now you sons of bitches.  You know how I feel.  I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys and women and transgendered into battle anytime, anywhere.

Except we won’t be doing this.  No boots will be on the ground.  The bombing of the Syrian scum will be limited in scope. And it probably won’t start until congress gets back into session.

That is all.

(666)

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3 Sep 13

Labor Day Weekend Yankee Double Feature

“Psst.  Hey kid.  Every done HGH?  Bet you want to, don’t you?” ~ Alex Rodriguez

Andy Pettitte warms up before the game.

Andy Pettitte warms up before the game.

Sunday September 1st

On a muggy Sunday in the Bronx the Yankee faced the Baltimore Orioles, hoping to sweep the series and gain yet more ground in the Wild Card.

The Yankee started Andy Pettitte (10-9 4.01) and the former St. Louis Browns started Wei-Yin Chen (everybody Yin Chen tonight!) (7-7 3.76).

The Yankees got on the board first.  Brett “Our chances of making the postseason are receding faster than my hairline” Gardner led off the bottom of the third with a double.  After a Jeter strikeout and a Cano groundout Alfonso Soriano hit a 1-1 pitch for a single, scoring Gardner.  1-0 Yankees after three.

The Yankee scored twice in the fourth.  Mark Reynolds walked and reached third on an Eduardo Nunez double.  Chris Stewart then walked on four pitches loading the bases. Brett Gardner then also walked on four pitches forcing in Mark Reynolds.  Nunez went to third, Chris Stewart to second.  Then on a 1-1 count Derek Jeter hit a sacrifice fly to right field scoring Nunez.  3-0 Yankees after four.

And that’s how the game remained until the top of the seventh.  Would the Yankees sweep the former St. Louis Browns?  Andy Pettitte pitches six solid shutout innings but started the seventh by giving up singles to Michael Morse and Danny Valencia.  So Girardi went to the bullpen.  What could go wrong?

Shawn Kelley (who got the loss ) couldn’t get an out.  He gave up an single to Matt Weiters scoring Morse.  Kelley was taken out and Boone Logan brought in.   J.J. Hardy then hit a three run home run.

Logan was taken out and Joba “Where will I pitch next year?” Chamberlain was brought in.  Before the inning was out he gave up a three run home run to Adam Jones.

It was at this point my scorecard became unreadable.  (I think I was crying and the scorecard got wet.)  7-3 Orioles after 6 1/2.

And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

AROD, who was scratched from yesterday’s game with steroid flu-like symptoms played today.  He went 0-3.  He also grabbed a kid sitting by the dugout and injected him into his bloodstream.

“Kids.  What can I say.  Their blood makes me a better player” said AROD.

Today was Alzheimer’s awareness day at the stadium. The first ten thousand in attendance lost their memory slowly.  Painfully aware that their consciousness was slipping away many chose to end their lives.  Others sat on the toilet, forgetting why they were there.

The Orioles right field is Nick Markakis, of Greek extraction.  I asked for the Deluxe.  I also queried him about the illustrated menus. What’s up with that?  Markakis left the game in the seventh inning as he had to put on his hair net and work a shift at the diner.  I also asked him to pay off his debt since he’s bringing the entire European Union down.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Woman was made to be a help to man.  But she was not fitted to help man except in generation, because another man would have proved a more effective help in anything else” was deemed sexist by the crowd.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Woman was made to be a help to man.  So….you come here often?”

Careful, D.B.  I think she’s  a cop.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “I am not your helpmate.  I am woman here me roar!”

Take a bath, hippie!

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “Dawn has arisen. My last day on Earth.  Soon I will be shot by a dog firing squad.”

This is your chance to escape.  Dogs are horrible shots!

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “I bought a gun.  Why? Because I can!”

It’s for the children!

Recommended reading material:

The Generalship of Ulysses S. Grant by J.F.C. Fuller.

And so my record stands at 7-5 this year.  My next game is Monday September 2nd against the Chicago White Sox.

Go Yankees!

Monday September 2nd

I returned to Yankee Stadium for the start of a three game series against the Chicago White Sox.

The Yankees started Phil “Still devolving as a starter” Hughes (4-13 4.91) and the White Sox started Jose Quintana (7-5 3.69).

It was another steamy day in the Bronx.  The Yankees got on the board (“plated” in modern parlance) in the first when Brett Gardner led off as he did yesterday’s game with a double. Derek Jeter then singled and went to second on an error by left fielder Alejandro De Aza.  Gardner scored on the error. 1-0 Yankees after one.

In the top of the second the long-threatened rain started.  The rain delay lasted one hour and 55 minutes.

Fun things to do during a rain delay:

  1. Ask the guy sitting next to you if he has any HGH.
  2. Start a sing-a-long.  I suggest “The Merry Month of May.”  Tra-la Tra-la the lusty month of may/where everyone throws self-control away/it’s time to do a wretched thing or two….
  3. Stand up in your seat and shout “NO ONE DEFEATS THE PENIS!”
  4. Walk up to people and say, “I’m the famous Manhattan Infidel.  Have you read my blog?”  If they say no kick them in the genitals.
  5. Run through the concourse shouting “The chicken tenders are people!  They’re people!”

In the bottom of the fourth the Yankees made up for yesterday and scored eight runs.  Alex Rodriguez led off with a double.  Vernon Wells singled and Curtis Granderson walked, loading the bases.  On a full count Mark Reynolds singled, scoring AROD and moving Wells to third and Granderson to second.  Austine Romine then singled on the first pitch he saw, scoring Wells and Granderson and moving Reynolds to third.  On a 1-1 count Gardner hit another double scoring Reynolds and moving Romine to third. Derek Jeter then literally singled off the pitcher allowing Romine to score and moving Gardner to third.  After Cano popped up for the first out of the inning Soriano hit a double scoring Gardner and moving Jeter to third.  Rodriguez then walked.  The next batter, Wells, reached first on Adam Dunn’s throwing error.  Jeter and Soriano scored.

So the Yankees brought 12 men to the plate that inning and scored a season high eight runs.  9-0 Yankees after four.

Chicago got a run back in the top of the seventh when Paul Konerko homered to left field.  9-1 Yankees after seven.

And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

I forgot to bring my iPhone to the game so I was unable to annoy all my friends by updating my facebook status to “Hi.  At the Stadium” or “Sitting in my seat at the Stadium” or better still “Getting beaten up by security at the Stadium. All I did was show her my penis!”

Yankee stadium was victimized today by a chemical attack.  Rain contains water.  Water is a chemical.  No word on whether President Obama has ordered the Bronx bombed in retaliation.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “The power prepares the semen” didn’t excite the crowd.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “S-E-M-E-N!”

Calm down there son.  People might think your strange.  Or from Philadelphia.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “I am not a hippie and take baths frequently.”

The very fact that you say this proves you are an unwashed hippie.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “You were right about the dogs.  Without opposable thumbs they couldn’t fire their guns.  When they started licking their balls I gathered up the guns.  I am the top dog now!”

So you are going to lead the dogs in a rebellion against human rule?

A.P of Poughkeepsie writes, “The Feds want to take my guns away.”

You trust the government right?  It’s for your own good.

Recommended reading material:

Rainbow’s End:  The Crash of 1929 by Maury Klein.

My record stands at 8-5 this year.  David Huff, who relieved Hughes after the rain delay got the win and Jose Quintana got the loss for the White Sox.

My next game is Thursday, September 5th against the Boston Red Sox.  As it stands now the Yankees are three games behind in the race for the second wild card.

Go Yankees!

 

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