“Psst. Hey kid. Every done HGH? Bet you want to, don’t you?” ~ Alex Rodriguez
Andy Pettitte warms up before the game.
Sunday September 1st
On a muggy Sunday in the Bronx the Yankee faced the Baltimore Orioles, hoping to sweep the series and gain yet more ground in the Wild Card.
The Yankee started Andy Pettitte (10-9 4.01) and the former St. Louis Browns started Wei-Yin Chen (everybody Yin Chen tonight!) (7-7 3.76).
The Yankees got on the board first. Brett “Our chances of making the postseason are receding faster than my hairline” Gardner led off the bottom of the third with a double. After a Jeter strikeout and a Cano groundout Alfonso Soriano hit a 1-1 pitch for a single, scoring Gardner. 1-0 Yankees after three.
The Yankee scored twice in the fourth. Mark Reynolds walked and reached third on an Eduardo Nunez double. Chris Stewart then walked on four pitches loading the bases. Brett Gardner then also walked on four pitches forcing in Mark Reynolds. Nunez went to third, Chris Stewart to second. Then on a 1-1 count Derek Jeter hit a sacrifice fly to right field scoring Nunez. 3-0 Yankees after four.
And that’s how the game remained until the top of the seventh. Would the Yankees sweep the former St. Louis Browns? Andy Pettitte pitches six solid shutout innings but started the seventh by giving up singles to Michael Morse and Danny Valencia. So Girardi went to the bullpen. What could go wrong?
Shawn Kelley (who got the loss ) couldn’t get an out. He gave up an single to Matt Weiters scoring Morse. Kelley was taken out and Boone Logan brought in. J.J. Hardy then hit a three run home run.
Logan was taken out and Joba “Where will I pitch next year?” Chamberlain was brought in. Before the inning was out he gave up a three run home run to Adam Jones.
It was at this point my scorecard became unreadable. (I think I was crying and the scorecard got wet.) 7-3 Orioles after 6 1/2.
And that was the final score.
Notes on the game:
AROD, who was scratched from yesterday’s game with steroid flu-like symptoms played today. He went 0-3. He also grabbed a kid sitting by the dugout and injected him into his bloodstream.
“Kids. What can I say. Their blood makes me a better player” said AROD.
Today was Alzheimer’s awareness day at the stadium. The first ten thousand in attendance lost their memory slowly. Painfully aware that their consciousness was slipping away many chose to end their lives. Others sat on the toilet, forgetting why they were there.
The Orioles right field is Nick Markakis, of Greek extraction. I asked for the Deluxe. I also queried him about the illustrated menus. What’s up with that? Markakis left the game in the seventh inning as he had to put on his hair net and work a shift at the diner. I also asked him to pay off his debt since he’s bringing the entire European Union down.
Best heckle of the game:
I tried but my heckle of “Woman was made to be a help to man. But she was not fitted to help man except in generation, because another man would have proved a more effective help in anything else” was deemed sexist by the crowd.
Reader mail:
D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Woman was made to be a help to man. So….you come here often?”
Careful, D.B. I think she’s a cop.
S.J. of Harlem writes, “I am not your helpmate. I am woman here me roar!”
Take a bath, hippie!
L.K. of New Jersey writes, “Dawn has arisen. My last day on Earth. Soon I will be shot by a dog firing squad.”
This is your chance to escape. Dogs are horrible shots!
A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “I bought a gun. Why? Because I can!”
It’s for the children!
Recommended reading material:
The Generalship of Ulysses S. Grant by J.F.C. Fuller.
And so my record stands at 7-5 this year. My next game is Monday September 2nd against the Chicago White Sox.
Go Yankees!
Monday September 2nd
I returned to Yankee Stadium for the start of a three game series against the Chicago White Sox.
The Yankees started Phil “Still devolving as a starter” Hughes (4-13 4.91) and the White Sox started Jose Quintana (7-5 3.69).
It was another steamy day in the Bronx. The Yankees got on the board (“plated” in modern parlance) in the first when Brett Gardner led off as he did yesterday’s game with a double. Derek Jeter then singled and went to second on an error by left fielder Alejandro De Aza. Gardner scored on the error. 1-0 Yankees after one.
In the top of the second the long-threatened rain started. The rain delay lasted one hour and 55 minutes.
Fun things to do during a rain delay:
- Ask the guy sitting next to you if he has any HGH.
- Start a sing-a-long. I suggest “The Merry Month of May.” Tra-la Tra-la the lusty month of may/where everyone throws self-control away/it’s time to do a wretched thing or two….
- Stand up in your seat and shout “NO ONE DEFEATS THE PENIS!”
- Walk up to people and say, “I’m the famous Manhattan Infidel. Have you read my blog?” If they say no kick them in the genitals.
- Run through the concourse shouting “The chicken tenders are people! They’re people!”
In the bottom of the fourth the Yankees made up for yesterday and scored eight runs. Alex Rodriguez led off with a double. Vernon Wells singled and Curtis Granderson walked, loading the bases. On a full count Mark Reynolds singled, scoring AROD and moving Wells to third and Granderson to second. Austine Romine then singled on the first pitch he saw, scoring Wells and Granderson and moving Reynolds to third. On a 1-1 count Gardner hit another double scoring Reynolds and moving Romine to third. Derek Jeter then literally singled off the pitcher allowing Romine to score and moving Gardner to third. After Cano popped up for the first out of the inning Soriano hit a double scoring Gardner and moving Jeter to third. Rodriguez then walked. The next batter, Wells, reached first on Adam Dunn’s throwing error. Jeter and Soriano scored.
So the Yankees brought 12 men to the plate that inning and scored a season high eight runs. 9-0 Yankees after four.
Chicago got a run back in the top of the seventh when Paul Konerko homered to left field. 9-1 Yankees after seven.
And that was the final score.
Notes on the game:
I forgot to bring my iPhone to the game so I was unable to annoy all my friends by updating my facebook status to “Hi. At the Stadium” or “Sitting in my seat at the Stadium” or better still “Getting beaten up by security at the Stadium. All I did was show her my penis!”
Yankee stadium was victimized today by a chemical attack. Rain contains water. Water is a chemical. No word on whether President Obama has ordered the Bronx bombed in retaliation.
Best heckle of the game:
My heckle of “The power prepares the semen” didn’t excite the crowd.
Reader mail:
D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “S-E-M-E-N!”
Calm down there son. People might think your strange. Or from Philadelphia.
S.J. of Harlem writes, “I am not a hippie and take baths frequently.”
The very fact that you say this proves you are an unwashed hippie.
L.K. of New Jersey writes, “You were right about the dogs. Without opposable thumbs they couldn’t fire their guns. When they started licking their balls I gathered up the guns. I am the top dog now!”
So you are going to lead the dogs in a rebellion against human rule?
A.P of Poughkeepsie writes, “The Feds want to take my guns away.”
You trust the government right? It’s for your own good.
Recommended reading material:
Rainbow’s End: The Crash of 1929 by Maury Klein.
My record stands at 8-5 this year. David Huff, who relieved Hughes after the rain delay got the win and Jose Quintana got the loss for the White Sox.
My next game is Thursday, September 5th against the Boston Red Sox. As it stands now the Yankees are three games behind in the race for the second wild card.
Go Yankees!
(557)
Just because yesterday was a holiday back there in the States, is no excuse to play hookie from your duties as an important blogger. Your fans deserve better of you. Besides, the last time I was a Yankee fan, Mickey Mantle and Yogi Berra were still playing.
Jim: I feel much shame.
P.S. – just imagine how much better Mickey and Yogi could have been if they did PEDs.