I am proud to lead you sons of bitches into battle.

Good afternoon, everybody.  Ten days ago the world watched in horror as men, women and children were massacred in Syria in the worst chemical attack the world has ever seen.  Well, except for the ones we did.

This attack is an assault on human dignity. Like some of Michelle’s dresses.

Now after careful deliberation I have decided that the United States should take military action against the Syrian regime.

I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country.  He won it by bombing the crap out of the other poor bastard.  And I remind you I am a Nobel Peace Prize winner so I know how to win wars.

Americans traditionally love to fight.  All real Americans love the sting of battle. That’s why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war. Well, except for the last three we’ve fought.

You know by God I actually pity those poor bastards we are going up against.  By God I do.  We’re not just going to shoot the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks.  We’re going to murder those lousy Syrian bastards by the bushel.

The Syrians are the enemy.  Wade into them.  Spill their blood.  Shoot them in the belly.

Except we won’t be doing any of that.  This will not be an open-ended intervention. We will not put boots on the ground. But I’m confident we can hold the Assad regime accountable.  No matter what that Putin says.  He’s mean and I don’t like him.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember.  I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position.  We’re not holding anything.  Let the Syrian scum do that.  We are advancing constantly and we are not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We’re going to kick the hell out of them all the time and we’re going to go through them like crap through a goose!

Except as I said before we won’t be doing that.  This is strictly a limited operation.

Having decided on this action I have also made a second decision.  I will seek congressional authorization for this strictly limited operation.

Over the last several days I have heard from members of Congress who want their voices to be heard.  But they disagree with me.  That means they are racist and Syrian scum sympathizers.

Now there’s one more thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home.  And you may thank God for it.  Thirty years from now when you are sitting around your fireside because by then light bulbs will be illegal and your grandson is on your knee and he asks you “What did you do in the great war with Syria?”  you won’t have to say “Well I shoveled shit in Louisiana.”

Alright now you sons of bitches.  You know how I feel.  I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys and women and transgendered into battle anytime, anywhere.

Except we won’t be doing this.  No boots will be on the ground.  The bombing of the Syrian scum will be limited in scope. And it probably won’t start until congress gets back into session.

That is all.

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