Deal Reached to Avert War in Syria or Something

Herman Munster and Sergey Lavrov discuss their historic agreement

Herman Munster and Sergey Lavrov discuss their historic agreement

United States Secretary of State Herman Munster John Kerry and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey V. Lavrov have announced a historic agreement that will avoid a U.S. airstrike against Syria.

Speaking at a joint press conference Mr. Munster Kerry said that

This agreement, if fully implemented, will avert U.S airstrikes and provide a framework for peace and security in the world.

The two men held a series of marathon meetings in Geneva lasting three days before  making the announcement.  But for a while the prospects of an agreement looked bleak, with Munster Kerry sending a cable to Washington complaining that

These Russians don’t seem to want to do Washington’s bidding.  It’s almost like they aren’t part of the United States.   I think we should fire Putin.  How he ever became governor is beyond me.

As a lover of peace and as a service to my readers I now give in full the text of the historic joke agreement that will avert war with Syria solidify Russian supremacy in the world:

  1. Syria agrees to give up all its chemical weapons.  No.  Seriously.
  2. Syria also agrees to inspection by teams of chemical weapons inspectors from the United Nations. These United Nations inspectors will have free reign throughout the country.  No.  Seriously.  No one will attempt to obstruct them. Because they’re from the UN and are impartial.  No.  Seriously.
  3. If chemical weapons are found in Syria the United Nations security council will call upon the United States to enact strict gun control laws.  Because guns are bad.
  4. Should Syria refuse to hand over its chemical weapons the United Nations security council will call upon the United States to arrest George Zimmerman and charge him with the murder of Trayvon Martin.
  5. The United States will apologize for racism.
  6. The United States will implement the Kyoto protocols and lower its carbon footprint.
  7. What?  Oh, Syria.  Right.
  8. If chemical weapons are found in Syria they will be destroyed by firing them at John Kerry’s forehead,
    Fire those chemical weapons at my forehead.  I dare you.  I double dog dare you!

    Fire those chemical weapons at my forehead. I dare you. I double dog dare you!

    the only known substance that can resist a chemical weapon attack.

  9. Once all chemical weapons in Syria are destroyed the United States agrees to arrest Sarah Palin.  Why?  Because we’re the United Nations and backward thinking, red neck Americans embarrass us.
  10. After arresting Sarah Palin the United States agrees to abolish the electoral college and its constitution and agrees to adopt a more civilized, European-style parliamentary democracy.
  11. Vladimir Putin agrees to take his shirt off and wrestle a bear until it is dead.  By doing this he will show the United States that its racism and gun-crazy culture will not be tolerated by the rest of the world.
  12. Syria?  Stop trying to change the subject. We are talking about American racism.
  13. Once a parliamentary system is set up in the United States, Vladimir Putin agrees to move to America and lead that country.
  14. Summing up:  Chemical weapons are bad, especially when supplied by the United States.
  15. The United States agrees to apologize for supplying the Syrian government with chemical weapons.
  16. The United States agrees to give Michael Bublé his own TV show because we at the United Nations like him and feel he is an example of a sophisticated, European-style American.
  17. What?  Michael Bublé is Canadian?  Well that explains it.
  18. The United States agrees to remain out of Syrian affairs and let that peaceful, Muslim country progress in perfect freedom and sharia law.
  19. Dunkin Donuts makes great coffee.
  20. Finally, the United States agrees to pay for all costs associated with the cleanup of any chemical weapons, real or imaginary that may or may not be found in Syria.

On behalf of all Americans I’d like to thank Secretary of State Munster Kerry for negotiating this deal.



6 Responses

  1. Herman “Hanoi John” Munster couldn’t find his ass with both hands if he was sitting on them.

    Dunkin-Doughnut coffee? Are you kidding me? If you want good coffe you have to come to Venezuela. Great coffeee, but expensive. A large Late` can cost almost fifty cents American. Outrageous!

  2. innominatus says:

    That pic of Kerry makes him look like the illegitimate lovechild result of a tryst between Jay Leno and an underinflated volleyball.

  3. innominatus says:

    Yeah, when the G-Men are winning the WS twice in 3 years, I’m pretty cheery. Almost pleasant, even. But last place in the NL-W? How can I have anything but a jaded and miserable outlook towards everything?

    PS – It looks really cool the way all the periods are lined up perfectly in that roman numeral list. Is that a feature of wordpress?

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Inn: I’ll be seeing the not to make the playoffs Yanks play the last place Giants next weekend. Should be a sparse crowd.

      It’s a feature of the theme I’m using in wordpress. God knows I’m not smart enough to do it myself.

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