9/11 Twelve Years Later: The Hooray for Hollywood Edition

Capitalists get what's coming to them.

Capitalists get what’s coming to them.

It has now been 12 years since the man-caused disaster that afflicted the capital of capitalism in the United States.

When the towers came down many in America looked to Hollywood to once again rally around the President and the country as they did during World War II.

What follows are some of the examples of the patriotism of Hollywood as it strove to do its duty during the war:

  • Oliver Stone vows to make only pro-American films.

“This is a tragedy.  Like all Americans I am sickened by this attack on our soil.  We must defeat this dangerous enemy.”  Those were the words of famed director Oliver Stone shortly after 9/11.

A man of his word he devoted the next decade to serving the war effort.  Everyone remembers his Academy award winning movie, “When the Marines Come Marching In” which depicted our brave Marines taking Baghdad.

“I wanted to depict our troops in the positive light they deserve” said Stone as he won his Oscar.

  • Matt Damon and Tim Robbins join the armed services.

These outspoken actors put their money where their mouth was and volunteered for service in the months after 9/11.

“I want to give back to the country that has given so much to me” said Damon.

“We are fighting for freedom and democracy” said Robbins.

Wounded in action, Damon spent the rest of the war attending fundraisers and war bond drives.

  • Green Day joins the Air Force.

Punk Rock bank Green Day, fronted by Billie Joe Armstrong, joins the Air Force to help improve morale.

“Like Glenn Miller did during World War II, we feel that by joining the Air Force and touring as the new and improved Green Day Air Force Band we can give our soldiers a little something of home and remind them of why they are fighting” said Armstrong.

Sadly Armstrong’s plane disappeared over the English Channel.  Rumor has it that he was shot down.

“Look, while he was doing his part for the cause no one liked the asshole” said a source that wishes to remain anonymous.

  • Roseanne Barr donates her fat to charity.

Famous corpulent comedian Roseanne Barr does her part for the war effort by donating her fat to a charity benefiting soldiers overseas.

“I got lots of fat.  Lots of it.  Hundreds of miles if you lay it out in a straight line.  And I hope my fat will be used to keep our soldiers warm during those cold winter nights.  What?  They’re fighting in the desert?  I want my f*cking fat back!”

  • Will Smith lowers the thermostat in his “supervan” to 65 degrees.

Hollywood superstar Will Smith is known for his love of luxury, frequently using a “Supervan” while on location to keep him comfortable.  For the duration of the war he lowered the thermostat to 65.

“It was the least I could do.  By lowering the temperature to a nonoptimal 65 I feel that I am sharing in the sufferings of our brave troops.”

These are just a few of the many heroic sacrifices Hollywood made during the war.

There wouldn’t be space enough on the internet to show all of Hollywood’s actions.  But I hope these few instances will help forever solidify Hollywood’s reputation as the pro-American bastion that it is.


2 Responses

  1. Hollywood: the nation’s largest garbage dump!

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