My fellow Americans: Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!

With a potential war with Syria still looming, on Tuesday September 10th President Obama addressed the nation.  As a service to my readers I present the president’s speech, unexpurgated and unaltered, just as it was delivered.

My fellow Americans, tonight I want to talk to you about Syria — why it matters, and where we go from here.

Over 100,000 people have been killed. Millions have fled.  But enough about Chicago and Detroit.

But I have resisted calls for military action, because we cannot resolve someone else’s civil war through force, particularly after a decade of war in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Thank you George Bush and the rest of you Republican war mongers.

The situation has changed profoundly. A thousand people, including hundreds of children dead. The images from this massacre are sickening: Men, women, children lying in rows, killed. Others foaming at the mouth, gasping for breath. A father clutching his dead children, imploring them to get up and walk.  But as I said, enough about Chicago.

The facts cannot be denied.  But I will try my best anyway.

The question now is what the United States of America, and the international community, is prepared to do about it. Because what happened to those people — to those children — is not only a violation of international law, it’s also a danger to our security and my third term as president.

Therefore to save the children of Syria I am proposing repealing the second amendment.

After careful deliberation, I determined that it is in the national security interests of the United States to respond to the Assad regime’s use of chemical weapons through a targeted military strike.

I will not put American boots on the ground in Syria. The boots our soldiers wear are made in China.

I will not pursue an open-ended action like Iraq or Afghanistan.  You know, the kind of military action blood-thirsty Republicans like.

The Assad regime does not have the ability to seriously threaten our military. Only I have that capability.

Our ally, Israel, can defend itself with overwhelming force.  Unfortunately.  I really wish that country would be wiped out.

I’ve spoken to the leaders of two of our closest allies, France and the United Kingdom, and we will work together in consultation with Russia and China to put forward a resolution at the U.N. Security Council requiring Assad to give up his chemical weapons, and to ultimately destroy them under international control. We’ll also give U.N. inspectors the opportunity to rape and pillage civilians. 

The burdens of leadership are often heavy.  Or so I’ve heard.  I don’t know.  I think Putin told me that.

And so, to my bloodthirsty warmongering friends on the right, I ask you to reconcile your love of bloodshed with a failure to act when a cause is so plainly just.

To my friends on the left, I ask you to reconcile your belief in freedom and dignity for all people except teabaggers and Christians with those images of children writhing in pain, and going still on a cold hospital floor.  But as I mentioned earlier, I am not here to talk about Chicago.

With modest effort and risk, we can stop children from being gassed to death.  I also ask those on the right to support abortion rights.

Thank you. Allah bless you. And Allah bless the United States of America.

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