“Buy me some peanuts and HGH/I don’t care if I stop producing testosterone” ~ old baseball sing-a-long.

The Red Sox should not be allowed to exist in a civilized society.

Fresh off a three-game sweep of the hapless White Sox, the Yankees started a four-game series against the American League East leading Boston Red Sox.

The Yankees started the American League pitcher of the month for August, Ivan Nova.  And, as befits the American League pitcher of the month for August he sucked in September and had to leave the game after four innings when his pitch count hovered around 95.  Seven batters were able to get full counts off of Ivan.

The Yankee offense was nonexistent off Red Sox starter Jake Peavey.  Stage one:  Boredom.

When Nova was taken out the Yankees put in Preston Claiborne, then Cesar Cabral, then Adam Warren.

By the seventh the Yankees were down 7-2.  Stage two:  Misery.

It seems the Yanks would lose to Boston.  (I blame global warming.)

But then the Yankees put 10 people to the plate in the bottom of the seventh, scored six runs and went ahead 8-7.

Stage three:  Joy.

David Robertson pitched a scoreless 8th and then Mariano Rivera came in to pitch the ninth.

Stage four:  Exaltation.  Or so it usually is when Rivera pitches.  He got the first two out but then Mike Napoli singled, stole second and went to third on catcher Austin Romine’s throwing error.  He scored the tying run on a Stephen Drew single.

Bottom of the ninth.  We can come back, right?

You live by Alfonso Soriano, you die by Alfonso Soriano.

After Robinson Cano popped up to second base, Soriano walked and then stole second.  A single would score him.  But then Soriano reminded Yankee fans why we got rid of him in the first place:  He’s not the smartest baseball player.  He promptly got in a rundown trying to steal third and was tagged out.

Son.  What were you thinking?  Curtis Granderson then struck out for the final out of the inning.

Stage five:  The bitter dregs of Joba “Now that I suck my native American heritage isn’t as romantic” Chamberlain.

I did not stick around to watch him pitch the 10th since I knew what the result would be. Why torture myself.  Watching Joba blow the game would as much fun as watching Chuck Todd beg to dip his ballsack in President Obama’s bathwater.  It’s just unseemly.

Final score:  Red Sox 9.  Yankees 8

Notes on the game:

Today was “deep despair and the crumbling of all your dreams” night at Yankee stadium.  The first 10,000 fans in attendance were encouraged to start a career in the exciting and lucrative field of Information Technology.

The Yankees apparently have no shame.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “Simple fornication is a mortal sin!” did nothing but anger my fellow Gotham libertines.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Simple fornication?  What else is there to do in Philadelphia?”

Touche.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “Does this look infected?”

You’ve been mortal sinning again, haven’t you?

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I have declared this Year One of my reign over the Canines. They answer to me now and do my will!”

Uh huh.  Just wait until you break out the vacuum cleaner.  Your reign will end in shame and confusion.

A.P of Poughkeepsie writes, “I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy.”

Why the hell not? Son this is not a time for doing things half-assed.

Recommended reading material:

The Armies of the Streets:  The New York City Draft Riots of 1863 by Adrian Cook.

And so my record stands at 8-6 this year.

My next game is Sunday September 22 against the defending world champion New York San Francisco Giants. (Rumor has it that noted Giant fan Innominatus may make an appearance.)

Go Yankees!

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