Santa Dies in Tragic Sleigh Crash

This is the last  known photo of Santa in his new Learjet sleigh

This is the last known photo of Santa in his new Learjet sleigh

Santa Claus was killed today while testing his new Learjet sleigh.

Santa took off from Orlando, Florida shortly before 9 am on a flight to Dallas, Texas.  On board with Santa were his agent and the two pilots.

The last contact with Santa’s flight was at 9:27 am when the sleigh was instructed to climb to 33,000 feet.  At 9:33 am Santa’s sleigh did not respond to a call to change radio frequencies.  The sleigh then angled off course, flying over the southern and mid-western United States.

The sleigh was tracked by Air Force and Air National Guard F-16s who observed that the sleigh was iced over and with no apparent movement in the cockpit.

The sleigh continued flying until it ran out of gas and crashed ten miles south of Aberdeen, South Dakota, killing all on board.

The National Transportation Safety Board has tentatively identified the cause of the crash as a “catastrophic loss of cabin pressure” and  pointed the finger of blame squarely at Santa and his unfamiliarity with his new sleigh.

Look,” said NTSB president Deborah Hersman.

Santa wanted a newer, faster sleigh.  And he got one.  The Learjet sleigh was much quicker than his old sleigh.  The problem was that to reach its optimum speed it had to climb higher than Santa was used to.  He had to artificially pressurize the cockpit of the sleigh in order to survive.  But did he do that?  No.  The design of the sleigh used an open cockpit.  An open cockpit!  We told him that was a bad idea.  You know what he said?  “The magic of Santa will protect me.  Ho Ho Ho!”  Fat bastard.  He’s responsible for his death.  I’m just sorry he took some innocent people with him.

As word of Santa’s death spread, chaos began to mount.  Many parents reported that their erstwhile well-mannered children were “going to hell in a hand basket.”

“My child won’t do his homework now.  ‘If Santa is dead what’s the f*cking point’ he told me.” said one parent.

Elementary schools have had to hire extra security as distraught children have overturned their desks and sharpened their pencils into lethal objects.

“It’s a war zone” said a teacher.  “The kids are chanting ‘No Santa No Homework!’  I’m scared.  Tell my wife I love her.”

President Obama has called upon children everywhere to remain calm.

Yes children.  The reports you are hearing are true.  Our beloved Santa is dead.  But not to fear.  A new Santa is ready to take over.  I have been in contact with him and he is excited about the opportunity to bring toys to children every Christmas.

As for the identity of the new Santa, reports indicate that David Caruso

No sunglasses for you!

No sunglasses for you!

has been hired.

“He is very excited about his new role” said his agent.

All day long he’s been taking his sunglasses on and off and saying “Looks like some gentile child is getting presents.”

However there are reports that Caruso is unpopular with the Elves.

“Motherf*cker kicked a trash can.  It just missed my head” said one elf.

Caruso can opt out of his Santa role after one year.  If he does choose to opt out the current favorite to replace him is Jimmy Smits.


6 Responses

  1. Who are these racists that get to decide who is going to be Santa Claus? Caruso is a white fag. And Jimmy Smits? Give me a break. It’s high time we had a black Santa; someone like Barry Soetero. What a beloved Santa he would make!

  2. innominatus says:

    Bastard never brought me anything decent, anyway. Good riddance.

    If Smits and Caruso opt-out and go back to doing crime dramas, give Johnny Depp a call. I think he needs the work.

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