25 Mar 14

Spam: The Happy Time Edition

Spam I am.

Spam I am.

Not many people know this but Spam is considered a delicacy in Korea and is often given as gifts.  Being a cosmopolitan man I have started giving spam out to my friends.  On a related note most of my friends have disowned me.  Spam gets no respect.

And so I now present to you the latest chapter of warm, loving, special Spam.

Gymnlestr writes:

Try to get the infant back on the usual feedings as soon as possible.

I’ve given up feeding on infants for Lent.

Gymlelay writes:

Atrovent Nasal Spray 0.06% was significantly more effective in reducing the severity and duration of rhinorrhea

Oh….rhinorrhea.  I’ve been using it for diarrhea.  So what have I been putting in my nose?

Kjtrtjm writes:

Feces, your woman begins valuing.

It’s all about discipline.  She didn’t like my last anniversary present of a vacuum cleaner so this year she gets feces.

Abercrombie writes:

528 West 57th Street.

No thanks.  The brothels in midtown are just too expensive.

Ralph Lauren Sverige Online writes:

Glad I detected this.

That’s what the woman at the bar said last night when I asked her what that open sore was.

Male Enhancement writes:

Mοst mankind has a lack of understanding іn rеgards to tҺе prostate.

Except for my doctor who keeps telling me, “Relax.  I’m a doctor” before violating me.

Usmaccosmetics writes:

Charges will most likely be pressed in case you get caught, and you will be barred permanently.

But it was a nude beach!  What’s the point of being at a nude beach if you can’t show it to the teenage girls?

Real Ray Bans Are Made Where writes:

 It is very good to wear nude hosiery.

It’s how most bloggers relax.

Wordsnowboardtour writes:

You need unique cleansers to get rid of your make-up.

No one ever said being a cross dresser was easy.

Louis Vuitton Belts For Sale writes:

Drug applying welfare assisted.

So you’re a Democrat?

Cleaferer writes:

No anonymous adults allowed.

You know I remember when sex clubs wanted my business.

Bracelet Tiffany Co. writes:

Your large loads are not sparkling.

I blame my diet.

Tyler writes:

To improve the conduction of these impulses to the electrodes, a gel will be applied to them.

Some men don’t like gels applied to their genitals.  But then again they aren’t bloggers.

Turkishzash writes:

There are two types of inflammatory bowel disease.

I’m sure the electrodes applied to my genitals didn’t help.

Ralph Lauren Outlet writes:

I simply wish to appreciate you again.

Once you’ve had Manhattan Infidel you never go back.

Gay Video Chat writes:

Howdy, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam remarks?

There is nothing remotely similar about our blogs.  I take cash only.

And finally, Tyler cheese writes:

Some women riders may feel quite nervous and lack confidence when starting out.

I’m usually quite gentle with women when it’s their first time.  Except for the electrodes.

Thanks again to all my wonderful Spam contributors.  Because a blog without Spam is, well, unknown to the Chinese.

 

(1186)

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24 Mar 14

The Michelle Obama Vacation Template™

Subjects must be deferential.

Subjects must be deferential.

Living in a republic as we do I’m sure one thing all Americans miss is the sheer joy of showing deference to a royal family.  The proprieties at all times, so to speak.

But not to fear serfs of America! We have the Obamas! For Michelle Obama and her mother are doing their best to bring royalty back to America.  After all, doesn’t a vacation at taxpayer expense at the Westin Beijing Chaoyang hotel in a 3,400-square-foot masterpiece including a private steam room, ‘corner sofas with silk pillows,’ and in-room dining for six make us all proud to live in a fundamentally transformed America?

And so I now present the Michelle Obama Vacation Template™. (Michelle Obama vacation template void where prohibited by law.  Michelle Obama vacation template not valid with any other offers, including but not limited to the Spicy Chicken Sandwich meal at Burger King.)

I’ve worked hard all year.  I deserve a vacation!

  1. Work?  Work is for serfs
  2. I am the First Lady!  I shall go wherever and whenever I want!
  3. A vacation is my right!
  4. Republicans think I don’t have the right to fly around the world on the taxpayer dime.  America is a downright mean country!

Like all Americans I try to save up my money so I can afford that dream vacation

  1. Like all Americans I fly for free on Air Force one.  That reduces the cost of my vacation

  2. Like all Americans I stay for free at sumptuous five-star hotels.

  3.  I mean, I deserve it. I’m the First Lady!
  4. Anyone who complains that I stay at $8,350 a night hotels is racist.

Like all Americans when I travel the Secret Service has to kick other guests out of the hotel rooms they paid for.

  1. Yes, this is regrettable.  But security must be maintained
  2. I mean, what if a common person disturbs me?
  3. The proprieties must be observed at all times.  As the First Lady I am naturally more important than anyone else
  4. Some of the people the Secret Service displaced had the temerity to complain!  And many don’t even speak English!

As the First Lady, when I travel abroad I look upon it as an opportunity to show other nations the values of America.

  1. What says a constitutional republic more than conspicuous consumption and arrogant feeling of entitlement?
  2. I want that double Soy Latte now, bitch!  I know you speak English!
  3. Don’t make me send a drone strike on the hut you live in!
  4. Double.  Soy. Latte. Now!  Don’t look at me!

You’ve  handed me a bill.  Why?

  1. The American people, out of the deferential love they feel for me are picking up the tab
  2. A bill?  Seriously? Is this resort owned by Republicans? Obviously you believe in vacation inequality!
  3. For your insolence I have already ordered the Secret Service to genitally circumcise your daughter
  4. I know you speak English, bitch!

Once again I’d like to thank Mrs. Obama, her daughters, her mother and the Secret Service for showing us why we are so loved around the world.  And remember readers, fight income inequality!

(812)

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21 Mar 14

Aragorn Admits He’s “Tired of These Little Shits!”

Hobbits? The hell with them!

Hobbits? To hell with them!

Aragorn of Middle Earth, son of Arathorn and Ranger of the North has admitted that he “really doesn’t like hobbits.”

“Look, I’m a ranger of the North” he told celebrity gossip site TMZ.

It’s my job to patrol Middle Earth.  It’s my job to keep it safe.  But that doesn’t mean I enjoy it.  It’s a thankless task.

Among Aragorn’s complaints are the eating habits of his companions.

Do you think it was fun having them following me all the time? The short little shits. If we wanted to defeat the ring of all power we had to get to Mt. Doom as quickly as possible.  But these hobbits kept wanting to have second breakfasts.  Second breakfasts? I don’t even get a first breakfast!  I mean, I like pancakes too!  Does anyone ever ask me, “Hey Aragorn, you look hungry. Do you want to go to an IHOP?” No!  I’m just being used by these ungrateful hobbits.

Aragorn also talks about having intimacy issues with his traveling companions.

Have you ever slept next to a hobbit?  They have large hairy feet. Large hairy cold feet. I swear.  It’s like sleeping with a wet blanket.  Yeah, Frodo, Samwise and Peregrin were bed wetters.  Did you ever try to score when you have three small hairy footed traveling companions?  Some times I’d sneak off to see Arwen for some afternoon delight. But right when I’m about to get my freak on I’d hear them shouting, “Help, Help, Black riders!’  So I have to stop and save them.  You’d think Arwen would cut me some slack.  But no.  She goes and complains to her father. Don’t get me started on Elrond.  All he can do is mutter, “Men are weak” over and over again.  To hell with all of them.

Aragorn admits to contemplating joining the other side.

In a strange way I admire Sauron.  He’s strong and is not afraid to put his beliefs into action.  Sure he’s a tyrant who will enslave Middle Earth but he’s also a socialist who will provide universal health care.  And the Orcs?  Warriors like me.  I respect them. Masculine meat eaters.  I bet they are fun at summer barbecues.

For now Aragorn will continue with his job of protecting Middle Earth while he looks for something different.

I’m working on my Microsoft Certification.  Being a network engineer or a desktop administrator sounds like fun.  At least when I’m doing that I won’t have to listen to everyone bitch at me.  That’s all they do!  Bitch, whine and complain.  You know I lost Frodo and Samwise at Parth Galen.  I was fighting Orcs and they just f*cking run away.  I’ll probably be blamed for that too.

In related news Sauron admits that he would be “open to the possibility” of an alliance with Aragorn.

And I’m not just saying that because his Elven girlfriend is hot.

If these reports are true it promises to be the most groundbreaking partnership since Eminem and Elton John.

(934)

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20 Mar 14

The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews (Part IX)

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack, passing by, saw a man who was blind from his birth.  And his disciples in the MSM asked him:  Constitutional scholar, who hath sinned, this man, or his parents, that he should be born blind?

Barack answered: This man hath not sinned, unless he voted Republican; but that the works of the Federal Government should be made manifest in him.  For now he can get health insurance through the exchanges.

When he had eloquently said these things, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and spread the clay on his eyes.  And said to him:  Go, use this clay to log onto the health care website.  He went therefore, and tried to log in with the spittle but was unable to, and came back yet still blind.

And his progressive neighbors therefore, who had seen that he had talked to Barack and was yet still blind said therefore to him:  You’re still blind?  Why?  Do you hate black people?

He answered:  That man that is called Barack made clay, and anointed my eyes and said to me: Go, use the clay to create an account on the Affordable Care website.  And I went and was unable to log in with the spittle, and I am still blind.

They bring him that was still blind to Harry Reid.  Again therefore Reid asked him, how was he still blind.  Was he faking it to embarrass Barack and damage the Affordable Care Act? 

They say therefore to the still blind man again:  What sayest thou of him who gave you spittle to open your eyes?  

And he said:  A charlatan.  For I still not see.

Harry Reid called his parents and said:  Is this your son, who you say was born blind?  Barack touched him. How then is he still blind?  Did you teach him to hate black people?

His parents answered Reid and said:  We know that this is our son, and that he was born blind. We did not teach him to hate black people.  So we do not know why  he does.  Perhaps he learned it from watching FOX News.

Reid therefore called the man again that had been and was still blind, and said to him:  Give glory to Barack.  He gave you spittle.  

He answered Reid:  I have told you already, and you have heard.:  Why would you hear it again?  The spittle would not let me log onto the healthcare exchange website.

Harry Reid reviled him therefore, and said:  You should be able to see.  You are making your story up.

Barack heard that Reid had cast him out: and when he found him, he said to him:  Do you believe in the Constitution?

He answered, and said:  Yes I believe in the Constitution.  

And Barack said to him:  I am the Constitution that talketh to thee.  Now use your spittle to log into the healthcare exchange website.  

And he said:  Lord Barack, give me more spittle.

And Barack saith:  At some point you have to ask yourself whether you have too much spittle. 

And the man went away still blind.

(To be continued)

(745)

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19 Mar 14

Mick Jagger’s Girlfriend Commits Suicide After Realizing She is Mick Jagger’s Girlfriend!

mick_jagger_by_eskile-d4m4a7t

Designer L’Wren Scott, companion of Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger was found dead in her New York City apartment.  Scott’s assistant found the designer hanging from a door knob with a scarf, a stylish and witty scarf, around her neck.

On a stylishly placed coffee table was a suicide note that said in part:

Oh god for ten years I have been waking up next to it.  Please forgive me for what I’ve done.  I ask my friends to forgive me.  I ask my enemies to forgive me. I ask David Bowie to forgive me.  I ask God to forgive me.

Scott’s friends told police that lately she had been depressed about her relationship.

“She thought Mick was hiding something from her” said an acquaintance.

Jagger would spend three hours in the bathroom every morning just to make himself presentable.  She thought this was very suspicious.  I went to a party at her place recently and I asked her where Mick was.  She said he was in the bathroom.  Well, after two hours Mick’s face came out, and the rest of him trailed along an hour later. I mean she was only 49!  She could have done better.

Scott was also convinced that Jagger was using her for makeup tips and to brag to his friends that he was having sex with a younger woman.

She got tired of the Viagra shipments to her place.  They embarrassed her.  And who can blame her.  We used to trip over the boxes.  One time a party goer tried to borrow some but Mick started screaming, “This is my Viagra.  There are many others like it, but this one is mine.  My Viagra is my best friend. It is my life.  I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my Viagra is useless. Without my Viagra, I am useless.”  Well, I don’t have to tell you I found that a little odd.  We used to hear noises from the bedroom.  It was Mick screaming, “If you start me up I’ll never stop.  You make a grown man cry!”

Sources also say that that end came for L’Wren Scott after an embarrassing incident when she thought there was a snake in the bed.

She started screaming, “What’s that! It’s a snake against my leg.  I can feel it.”  Well it turns out it was only Mick’s face, which had slid off during the night.

After seeing what Jagger looks like without makeup,

A rare photo of Mick Jagger without makeup

A rare photo of Mick Jagger without makeup

Scott decided to end her life.

Jagger, now free from the restraints of his makeup, was last seen walking down Fifth avenue asking frightened tourists if they were Sarah Connor.

New York City police chief William Bratton has asked for calm and for people to stay off the streets.

“Jagger’s going to need clothes, boots and a motorcycle.  And when he tries to get them we’ll be ready for him.”

(3056)

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18 Mar 14

Keith Richards Writes Children’s Book!

I do not like green eggs and heroin.

I do not like green eggs and heroin.

Keith Richards, legendary guitarist for the Rolling Stones, has announced that he is writing a children’s book.

“It’s true” said Mr. Richards on his website.

I have just become a grandfather for the fifth time, so I know what I’m talking about. The bond, the special bond, between kids and grandparents is unique and should be treasured. I hope one day to have grandchildren.  What?  Five of them?  Are you sure?  How did this happen?  I don’t even remember having kids.

We here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel have obtained an advance copy of the novel entitled, “Green Eggs and Heroin” and we are pleased to present a few portions for our readers.

And on a personal note I found this novel to be amusing and heartwarming.  I particularly liked the part where he has the protagonist murder and dismember a customs official in the Barbados who lost Keith’s stash.

Do you like green eggs and heroin?

I do not like them said my prissy lead singer, Mick.  I do not like green eggs and heroin.

Well tough because I have my stash here.  Would you like them here or there?

I would not like them said the pain in the ass lead singer

I would not like them anywhere

I do not like green eggs and heroin.

I do not like them repeated the overrated lead singer named Mick-I-am.

Would you like them in a house?  Or with a mouse?  Or in a car speeding away from customs officials?

I do not like them in a house.  I do not like them with a mouse (though ratatouille might suffice)

I do not like them anyway said my drug-free lover of David Bowie lead singer.

Would you eat heroin in a box like a prison?  Because that’s where we’re heading if we don’t lose the customs officials.

Could you, would you eat green eggs and heroin with a goat?

I would not said the jackass lead singer, for I am a vegan.

If you let me be said the lead singer with the freakishly large lips

I will try them.  You will see.

Say!  I like green eggs and ham said the lead singer.

I do!  I do like them.  Now lets kill that customs official before he can call the police.

As you can see from this snippet the book is a fascinating tale of persistence.  The green eggs and heroin obviously represent rock and roll.  Keith is trying to convince his lead singer to kick out the jams  As for the customs official, I’m not sure but I think he represents Brian Jones. And the book as a whole represents Keith trying to impart the wisdom of an older generation to a younger one.

The entire book will be available on iTunes in June.

(828)

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17 Mar 14

Never Go Full Dinkins!

A great parade where all everyone is Irish for the day

A great parade where everyone is Irish for the day

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Today, March 17th is St. Patrick’s Day.  Here in New York City the big event is the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade up Fifth Avenue.  (Former governor Hugh Carey once famously remarked that they “march up 5th and stagger down 3rd.”)

The New York City St. Patrick’s Day parade is not only the largest in the world but the oldest civilian parade in the world.   Politicians are expected to march in it.

Except……

The current mayor of New York City, Warren Wilhelm, Jr. (known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) has refused to march in the parade.

The last mayor of New York not to march in the parade was David “Crack Epidemic” Dinkins (pictured here),

Former New York City mayor David Dinkins

Former New York City mayor David Dinkins

a famously ineffective one-term mayor.  During Dinkin’s reign of error, when the murder rate was skyrocketing and the city became the crack capitol of the world Dinkins fiddled while New York burned.  He was promptly defeated and returned to private life, a station he was well-suited for.

And now Mayor Wilhelm, Jr. wants to follow in Dinkins’ footsteps.

The same Mayor Wilhelm, Jr. who even before he was sworn into office vowed to close the horse and carriage trade.

The same Mayor Wilhelm, Jr. who couldn’t get the upper east side plowed during a blizzard.

The same Mayor Wilhelm, Jr. who kept schools open during a blizzard.

The same Mayor Wilhelm, Jr. who  has vowed to close successful charter schools where children actually thrive and learn.  (Why does Warren Wilhem, Jr., hate children of color?)

Yes.  This mayor.

It seems that less than three months into his term Wilhelm, Jr. has combined the clueless incompetence of Jimmy Carter with the arrogant incompetence of Barack Hussein Obama.

Mayor Wilhelm Jr. will not march because a gay group has been denied a permit to march in the parade.

Will Wilhelm, Jr. skip the Martin Luther King Jr. day parade?  No gay group is marching in that parade.

Will Wilhelm, Jr. skip the Columbus Day parade?  No gay group is marching in that parade either.

I have a feeling that Wilhelm, Jr, like his famously incompetent predecessor Dinkins will march in both parades.

Why the double standard?

Could it possibly be animus against the Irish?  It seems that prejudice against Catholics and the Irish is the last remaining respectable  prejudice. And as a respectable prejudice our elite of course are prone to it.

Yes it seems once again it is time to shit all over the Irish.  Conquered by the English.  Subject to oppressive penal laws instituted by their English masters, the Irish emigrated to America where, they thought, they could live in freedom.

There is a phrase:  Irish Alzheimers, which means the Irish forget everything.  Except grudges. After being shit on by the British for 700 years we will never let anyone shit on us again.

So don’t march in the parade. Enjoy your one term in office.  We Irish will march over you and piss on your grave every anniversary of your death.

I could close this post by calling Mayor Wilhelm Jr. an arrogant clown.  A jackass.  A putrid fester on the body politic. A puss-filled scab. The answer to a trivia question in ten years.  A braying, cloven-footed beast.  A whore who was known as “Sloppy seconds Wilhelm” in school. 

But I won’t.  Instead I will close with a definition.

Full Dinkins

  1. The act of supreme incompetence and stupidity.
  2. An insult, usually hurled at a a politician.  (See Bill de Blasio.)
  3. The act of having one’s head up one’s ass.
  4. The act of being so unbelievably stupid that the entire world stops to take notice and thanks itself that they haven’t gone Full Dinkins.

Mayor Wilhelm, Jr., you went full Dinkins, man.  Never go full Dinkins.

(633)

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14 Mar 14

Pinocchio Sues Plastic Surgeon Over Botched Rhinoplasty!

I just want to be normal again. Wooden but normal.

I just want to be normal again. Wooden but normal.

Famed wooden actor Pinocchio has responded to rumors of possible plastic surgery by announcing he did have “slight work” done on his nose and that the procedure went “horribly wrong” and has “negatively impacted” his life.

According to papers filed with the Second District Court in Brooklyn, Pinocchio is asking for 20 million in damages for “mental anguish and loss of future income” against the plastic surgeon who performed the surgery last year.

“Being an actor I’m under constant pressure to look my best” said Pinocchio in his deposition.

Younger actors, younger wooden actors, were getting the roles that would have gone to me.  A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do to make a living.  So I decided to have surgery to remove some cartilage in my nose.  I was told that the surgery would have no side effects.

Instead, according to Pinocchio, he woke up to a living hell.

Not only did they not make my nose smaller but it’s larger.  And every time I tell a lie my nose grows.  And I don’t have to tell you being in the same business with producers and agents means I have to tell plenty of lies.  Baldfaced lies with a straight face.  Now everyone can tell when I’m lying.  I’ve lost a major advantage in contract negotiations.

Pinocchio went on to relate one meeting that resulted in a lost job opportunity.

I was in negotiations to play the lead vampire in The Vampire Diaries but the producer was a hard sell.  We couldn’t agree on my salary. That’s when I pulled my bluff and said “Hey, I have plenty of other offers besides this.”  And my nose started to grow!  It f*cking grew!  So the producer just laughs and says “Here’s the price. Take it or leave it.”  I walked out because I thought their offer was below an actor of my stature.  I mean come on!  I’ve worked with Kiefer Sutherland for Christ’s sake.

Word soon got out around Hollywood about Pinocchio’s new nasal impediment.  Job offers dried up.

Right now the only thing I got going is a sitcom on NBC.  NBC! How the hell am I supposed to maintain street cred on f*cking NBC?  It’s like all those tattoos I got were for nothing!

The adverse effects of his surgery were not confined to his professional life.

I tried to pick up Scarlett Johansson once.  I was talking her up and I noticed she was laughing.  It turns out that my nose was getting larger and larger. She dismissed me and said, “The wrong organ’s getting bigger, pal.”  She made me look ridiculous. And a wooden puppet actor in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous. And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I’m not a hard-hearted man, that it’s not all dollars and cents. She was beautiful! She was young, she was innocent. She could have been the greatest piece of ass I’ve ever had.  And I’ve had ass all over the world.  Goddammit.  See?  My nose is getting bigger.  I mean I’ve had ass all over California.  I mean I’ve had ass all over Los Angeles.  Ah f*ck why do I even bother anymore?

The trial of Pinocchio vs. Certified Board Rhinoplastic Surgeons of New York is expected to start in June.

(2230)

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13 Mar 14

Spam! The Taking It Out on the Subway Edition

Spam I am.

Spam I am.

One interesting thing I’ve noticed is that when I mention to people that I have a blog they usually run away, mace me or say something along the lines of “I don’t want you to see my daughter again!”  And those are just the reactions from fellow bloggers. Only a blogger knows the evil that lurks in the heart of another blogger.

And on that note here is the latest edition of Fun with Spam:

acne scar removal writes:

It just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are generally wasted just trying to figure out how to begin.

Speak for yourself.  I am assertive and usually just whip it out and say, “You like?”

pseurlhestale writes:

Pictures can catch the inner thoughts.

Thank god for digital cameras.  Now I don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of someone else developing my, er, “vacation” photos.

Gymnlelay writes:

Bacteria invade the surrounding structures.

And that is exactly why I change my underwear at least once a week.

aboutme writes:

Very shortly this website will be famous.

Only if I’m found guilty.

KennethRic writes:

He’s handling himself out there.

So?  I like to take it out when I ride the subway.  It relieves stress.

UGG writes:

It will allow you to experience things you may have never thought you’d experience.

And I want to thank you again for delivering my Japanese sex robot.

williamtog writes:

There is no hard and fast rule about this.

This is true.  Sometimes I tip her and sometimes I just run away before her pimp shows up.

import only writes:

Does operating a well-established website like yours take a massive amount work?

No.  In fact it gives me plenty of free time to ride the subway and take it out.

Abercrombie España writes:

Lack of social interaction.

What the hell are you talking about?  Do  you know how many webcams I subscribe to?  Classy ones too! With real biological women.

 louis vuitton outlet writes:

I’ve experienced opportunities out of state.

Don’t tell me you’ve gone to Boston to take it out on the subway?

Trokasyloal writes:

Believe it or not, species of fish are extremely understanding of noises.

I promise to fart in the water quieter from now on.

back pain treaments writes:

 I honestly believe this website needs far more attention. I’ll probably be returning to read more.

You’re with the NSA aren’t you?

debt consolidation program writes:

It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s tough to get that “perfect balance” between usability and appearance.

Thank you.  I’ve found that wearing a trench coat on the subway attracts attention.  So I’ve stopped wearing one when I whip it out. Now I only wear button-fly jeans.

louis vuitton diaper bag writes:

Wow, what a video it is!

Normally I don’t film myself when I’m taking it out on the subway but I was in a good mood that day.

And finally cheap jordan shoes writes:

A pleasure to do business with you. Thank you again.

Technically I had to do business with you.  You’re my court-appointed parole officer.

And there you have it.  This week’s segment of the spam in Manhattan Infidel’s mailbox.  Now if you’ll excuse me the subway is pulling into the station.

(757)

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12 Mar 14

The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews (Part VIII)

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack went unto Camp David.

And the RINOs and other Republicans bring unto him a woman taken in adultery; and they set her in the midst.

And said to him: Master of the Constitution, this woman was even now taken in adultery.

Now many red states which we represent have laws against such a one.  Even in a blue state such as New York adultery is still technically against the law.  But what sayest thou?

But Barack bowing himself down, bypassing Congress wrote with his pen unilaterally on the ground.

When therefore they continued asking him he lifted himself, and said to them:  Monogamy is sexist and a tool of the patriarchy.

But they hearing this, went out one by one, probably because their bourgeois minds could not comprehend.

Then Barack, lifting up himself, said to her:  Woman, where are the people using outdated 20th Century standards of morality that accused thee?  Hath no Republican condemned thee?

Who said:  No man, Lord President.  And Barack said:  Neither will I condemn thee.  Go, and pick up your birth control that my administration is providing for free.

Again therefore, Barack spoke to them, saying:  I am the light that reduces sea levels:  he that followeth me, walketh on dry ground, for the sea levels have receded.

And again Barack said to them:  You judge according to the flesh:  I judge not any man.  And if I do judge, my judgement is true:  because I am President and have a pen and a phone and can do whatever I like.

They said therefore to him:  Where is thy Father?  Barack answered:  Neither me do you know, for I am sexy and mysterious, nor my father.  Come to think of it I don’t know my father either. He split town when I was young.

These words Barack spoke in the Treasury Department: and no man laid hands on him, because they were shocked at the amount of debt Barack had caused.

Again therefore Barack said to them:  I go, and you shall seek me.  Whither I go, you cannot come.

The Republicans therefore said:  Because he won’t invite us on Air Force One we cannot come.

And he said to them:  You are beneath me, I am above you.  Eat the exhaust from Air Force One, suckers.

Then Barack said to those RINOs who believed in him:  If you continue supporting my policies, you shall be my disciples indeed.  And you shall know the truth of economic socialism, and the truth of economic socialism shall make you rich.

And again Barack said to them:  Amen, Amen I say unto you:  that whosoever committeth capitalism, is the servant of sin. 

You seek to kill me, because my word, or more specifically the word of my ghost writer Bill Ayers, hath no place in you.

I speak that which I have seen from Bill Ayers.

But now you seek to limit me to two terms, a man who have spoken the truth of Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn to you.

They therefore said to him:  We are not born of the radical 1960s:  We support the Constitution.

Barack therefore said to them:  If you support the Constitution, you would indeed love me.  For I come to fulfill the Constitution, and transform it into a living, breathing document.

He that believes in a living, breathing constitution, heareth my words.  Therefore you hear them not, because you believe in the framer’s original intent.

Amen, amen I say to you:  If any man keep my word, he shall see America fundamentally transformed.

The Republicans therefore said:  Now we know you are bat shit insane.   Art thou greater than our father James Madison?  Whom dost thou make thyself?

Barack said to them:  James Madison your father rejoiced that he might see my day:  for he really wanted more power to the executive branch but was thwarted by Alexander Hamilton.

Amen, amen I say to you, I am the President and I have a pen and a phone.

They took up stones (for guns had been banned) to cast at him.  But Barack hid himself and let the Secret Service beat up the Republicans.

(To be continued)

(476)

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