Hobbits? To hell with them!

Aragorn of Middle Earth, son of Arathorn and Ranger of the North has admitted that he “really doesn’t like hobbits.”

“Look, I’m a ranger of the North” he told celebrity gossip site TMZ.

It’s my job to patrol Middle Earth.  It’s my job to keep it safe.  But that doesn’t mean I enjoy it.  It’s a thankless task.

Among Aragorn’s complaints are the eating habits of his companions.

Do you think it was fun having them following me all the time? The short little shits. If we wanted to defeat the ring of all power we had to get to Mt. Doom as quickly as possible.  But these hobbits kept wanting to have second breakfasts.  Second breakfasts? I don’t even get a first breakfast!  I mean, I like pancakes too!  Does anyone ever ask me, “Hey Aragorn, you look hungry. Do you want to go to an IHOP?” No!  I’m just being used by these ungrateful hobbits.

Aragorn also talks about having intimacy issues with his traveling companions.

Have you ever slept next to a hobbit?  They have large hairy feet. Large hairy cold feet. I swear.  It’s like sleeping with a wet blanket.  Yeah, Frodo, Samwise and Peregrin were bed wetters.  Did you ever try to score when you have three small hairy footed traveling companions?  Some times I’d sneak off to see Arwen for some afternoon delight. But right when I’m about to get my freak on I’d hear them shouting, “Help, Help, Black riders!’  So I have to stop and save them.  You’d think Arwen would cut me some slack.  But no.  She goes and complains to her father. Don’t get me started on Elrond.  All he can do is mutter, “Men are weak” over and over again.  To hell with all of them.

Aragorn admits to contemplating joining the other side.

In a strange way I admire Sauron.  He’s strong and is not afraid to put his beliefs into action.  Sure he’s a tyrant who will enslave Middle Earth but he’s also a socialist who will provide universal health care.  And the Orcs?  Warriors like me.  I respect them. Masculine meat eaters.  I bet they are fun at summer barbecues.

For now Aragorn will continue with his job of protecting Middle Earth while he looks for something different.

I’m working on my Microsoft Certification.  Being a network engineer or a desktop administrator sounds like fun.  At least when I’m doing that I won’t have to listen to everyone bitch at me.  That’s all they do!  Bitch, whine and complain.  You know I lost Frodo and Samwise at Parth Galen.  I was fighting Orcs and they just f*cking run away.  I’ll probably be blamed for that too.

In related news Sauron admits that he would be “open to the possibility” of an alliance with Aragorn.

And I’m not just saying that because his Elven girlfriend is hot.

If these reports are true it promises to be the most groundbreaking partnership since Eminem and Elton John.

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