I just want to be normal again. Wooden but normal.

Famed wooden actor Pinocchio has responded to rumors of possible plastic surgery by announcing he did have “slight work” done on his nose and that the procedure went “horribly wrong” and has “negatively impacted” his life.

According to papers filed with the Second District Court in Brooklyn, Pinocchio is asking for 20 million in damages for “mental anguish and loss of future income” against the plastic surgeon who performed the surgery last year.

“Being an actor I’m under constant pressure to look my best” said Pinocchio in his deposition.

Younger actors, younger wooden actors, were getting the roles that would have gone to me.  A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do to make a living.  So I decided to have surgery to remove some cartilage in my nose.  I was told that the surgery would have no side effects.

Instead, according to Pinocchio, he woke up to a living hell.

Not only did they not make my nose smaller but it’s larger.  And every time I tell a lie my nose grows.  And I don’t have to tell you being in the same business with producers and agents means I have to tell plenty of lies.  Baldfaced lies with a straight face.  Now everyone can tell when I’m lying.  I’ve lost a major advantage in contract negotiations.

Pinocchio went on to relate one meeting that resulted in a lost job opportunity.

I was in negotiations to play the lead vampire in The Vampire Diaries but the producer was a hard sell.  We couldn’t agree on my salary. That’s when I pulled my bluff and said “Hey, I have plenty of other offers besides this.”  And my nose started to grow!  It f*cking grew!  So the producer just laughs and says “Here’s the price. Take it or leave it.”  I walked out because I thought their offer was below an actor of my stature.  I mean come on!  I’ve worked with Kiefer Sutherland for Christ’s sake.

Word soon got out around Hollywood about Pinocchio’s new nasal impediment.  Job offers dried up.

Right now the only thing I got going is a sitcom on NBC.  NBC! How the hell am I supposed to maintain street cred on f*cking NBC?  It’s like all those tattoos I got were for nothing!

The adverse effects of his surgery were not confined to his professional life.

I tried to pick up Scarlett Johansson once.  I was talking her up and I noticed she was laughing.  It turns out that my nose was getting larger and larger. She dismissed me and said, “The wrong organ’s getting bigger, pal.”  She made me look ridiculous. And a wooden puppet actor in my position cannot afford to be made to look ridiculous. And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I’m not a hard-hearted man, that it’s not all dollars and cents. She was beautiful! She was young, she was innocent. She could have been the greatest piece of ass I’ve ever had.  And I’ve had ass all over the world.  Goddammit.  See?  My nose is getting bigger.  I mean I’ve had ass all over California.  I mean I’ve had ass all over Los Angeles.  Ah f*ck why do I even bother anymore?

The trial of Pinocchio vs. Certified Board Rhinoplastic Surgeons of New York is expected to start in June.

(2219)