Somewhere in this horoscope is a picture of my penis

Last night as I was reading the good book and sipping tea being thrown out of a bar for showing pictures of my penis to women it occurred to me that it has been awhile since I’ve done a horoscope here at Manhattan Infidel.  It also occurred to me that women who do not want to see pictures of my penis are bossy.  And that’s bad.  And bossy. And bossy is bad. And sexist.  And racist.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you don’t feel 100 percent happy about. Pressure is just another way of saying “Bossy.”  And everyone hates bossy people.   Except when they are bossy.  Like the time you bossed all your female coworkers into wearing French maid outfits or lose their jobs.  A fun time was had by all.  And you still fired them.  What’s the point of being bossy if you can’t make people cry?

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)

Now is the time to be open about your opinions.  Now is the time to be ruthlessly honest.  You don’t like your supervisor’s penis selfies.  He’s being bossy when he sends them.  Then again, he is your supervisor. And you’re just a woman. A weak, insignificant woman.  What? You’re gonna cry?  Gonna cry now?  God I love being bossy.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

The more you dwell on it the more you will worry about it.  So relax and enjoy being bossed around.  Unless your supervisor is an Aquarius. No one likes them.  So stand up for yourself. Remember, it’s not bossy when you do it.  But leave your gun at home. You don’t want to go to jail.  The anal sex in prison is very bossy.  And it’s usually with an Aquarius (the bossy sons of bitches).

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

Your mind may be bubbling with great ideas.  But who cares.  You’re a goddamn Taurus.  Yeah, I’m talking to you. Now shut up and get me a latte. Oh, you don’t like my bossy tone? You should have seen how bossy I was in prison.  Yeah, I’m an Aquarius.  Want to make something of it?

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

If you get a chance to move up on the work front take it.  Don’t worry if you’re not qualified because energy and enthusiasm are more important than experience.  Just realize that everyone else in the office hates your pushy, bossy ass.  Except your Aquarius supervisor who wants to show you a trick or two he learned in prison.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)

Believe it or not there is a reason for everything that happens in life.  You had to kill your Aquarius supervisor.  He asked you to do stuff at work.  And that makes him bossy.  Hopefully you’ll be sent to a medium-security prison.  The prison rape there is slightly less bossy than at the maximum security facilities.

Leo (July 24-Aug 23)

Everyone makes mistakes.  And since you’re a Leo your entire life is a mistake.  Which is why you cry at work a lot.  People are mean to you and ask you to perform tasks.  Let’s face it.  You suck and deserve to be bossed around.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 23)

You won’t see eye-to-eye with someone today.  Probably because you’re the intellectual type and he’s so bossy.  Don’t worry about it. Conflict can be fun.  Especially for the winners. Unfortunately that’s not you and you will snap. Let’s just hope you have a good lawyer because anal sex does not appeal to your nuanced intellect.

Libra  (Sept 24-Oct 23)

You will change your mind about something today.  You do that frequently because you have no backbone.  How you wish you could be bossy.  In your heart of hearts you imagine yourself taking charge and telling people what to do. Then you realize that taking charge is racist so you vomit and do yoga.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

You may be fixed in your opinions.  This is wrong.  To have opinions is bossy. Free your mind from the bourgeois constraints of male-dominated opinions. You should agree with whatever anyone tells you. It’s called “idea redistribution” and it’s compassionate.  And by doing this you might avoid anal rape at the hands of a bossy Aquarius.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

Mercury, planet of communication, moves into the domestic area of your chart today.  This means your spouse will communicate his desire for you to have his dinner ready when he gets home from work.  God, he’s so patriarchal and bossy!  You will console yourself by closing your eyes and thinking of one of the Twilight movies when he insists on penis-in-vagina sex.  Which we all know is bossy sex.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

A social event will be a lot of fun and could lead to a new career opportunity.  But you will miss it because your supervisor wants you to work late.  You will cave in his skull with your keyboard and hold the rest of the office hostage before a SWAT team takes you out.  Relieved coworkers will tell reporters that they weren’t surprised that you snapped because you “always seemed like the latent bossy type.”

(895)

As always the fault lies with Sarah Palin

In the weeks since the disappearance of Flight 370 many theories have been formed about what happened. I have been asked to put in my two cents.  Due to a previous commitment this opium den is like home to me I have been unable to before today.

I will now divide the more prevalent theories into the not likely, the probable and the most likely.  I ask my readers to please not try this at home.  Remember, I am a professional blogger.

The Not Likely

• Human error

It has been theorized that human error brought down the flight.  Somehow the pilots made a simple error which doomed them.  I find this not likely.  The pilots after all were trained professionals.  The best and the brightest. Elites in their field.  And when was the last time the elite screwed things up?

• Terrorism

Both pilots were Muslim.  It has been suggested (by Republicans and Fox News) that they crashed the plane to kill the infidels that were aboard.  This is nonsense.  Islam, after all, is the Religion of Peace™.  To even suggest this shows what an intolerant racist you are.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  And I’m not just saying this because a Muslim man kidnapped my goat.

The Probable

• Frikin’ laser beams

‘Nuf said.  George Bush built frikin’ laser beams to destroy third world people. Everybody knows that.

• Black holes

Hey, that’s holes of color! Despite your racist terminology it is quite possible that a hole of color (possibly manned by an alien species) brought down the flight to probe our defenses.

Most Likely

• The Koch brothers

Is there any evil this despicable duo won’t try?  Is there any evil this despicable duo isn’t responsible for? From ordering Timothy McVeigh to blow up the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building to urging Hitler to kill the Jews, these brothers are evil. They should not be allowed to exercise free speech.  They should be locked up in prison for the rest of their natural lives.  It’s for the children.

• Sarah Palin

Lastly we come to the most likely cause of the disappearance of Flight 370:  Former Alaska governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. To investigate this story I camped out in front of Palin’s residence in Alaska.  Using state of the art microphones I was able to pick up the following conversation:

Palin:Yeah, I’d like to order a large pizza.

Unidentified Voice (probably a Koch brother):What do you want on it?

Palin:Give me the meat lovers’ pizza.  I want my pizza covered in meat.

From this snippet of conversation is is clear that Palin (that unspeakably evil bastard) was using code.  Pizza obviously mean “bring down a plane.”   Pizza covered in meat will naturally be darker.  By ordering pizza covered in meat Palin (Evil!  Evil!) was ordering a plane with peoples of color to be shot out of the sky.

 

Why would Palin do this?  Revenge?  Lust for power?  Who can really understand evil.  I for one thank god that as a member of the elite I am a good person who feels good about myself.

(569)

Our mission is to protect the President. And get blind stinking drunk

With the news that several Secret Service members were sent home for excessive drinking while on detail during President Obama’s recent trip to Belgium, attention has once again focused on the corporate culture inside the organization.  As a member of the MSM with an unswerving commitment to the truth I enjoy lying I used my contacts in Washington hookers to obtain an internal Secret Service memo entailing the twelve steps of recovery for agents in the field.

Step One:

We as Secret Service agents admit we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.  But hey, at least we look bitching in our bullet proof vests and dark glasses.  And the “I will take a bullet for the most powerful man in the world” line always works in bars.

Step Two:

We believe there is a power greater than ourselves.  It is the IRS.  They scare us.  I mean I know I will take a bullet for the President but I don’t want them auditing me. Screw it.  I’m getting drunk.

Step Three:

We will turn our will and our lives over to the President.  Tomorrow that is.  Right now it’s happy hour and I’m giving these Brazilian girls the old “I’ll take a bullet for the President” line.  They are eating it up.  I just hope they aren’t trannies.   Screw it.  After eight pints who cares about their penis.

Step Four:

We will make a fearless and searching inventory of ourselves.  And our wallets.  I think that trannie stole from me.  Look, I don’t care if the President is in danger where the hell is my money?

Step Five:

We will admit to God, to ourselves and most especially to President Obama that we were not diligent in ensuring that Michelle stayed as far away from him as possible. Probably because we were searching for our wallet.  F*cking trannies.  You can’t trust them.

Step Six:

We are ready to have God remove these defects from our character.  As soon as I find my wallet.

Step Seven:

We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings.  Because none of us wants to deal with an angry President Obama or Michelle.  Hey, I found my wallet.  Time to hit the bars.  It’s happy hour!

Step Eight:

We will make a list of all people we have harmed and/or thrown up on while drunk when we should have been protecting the President.  You know what?  Screw the President.  He’s a grown man he can protect himself.  I’m going to the bar.

Step Nine:

We will make direct amends to the people we have harmed.  And by amends I mean use the old “I am willing to take a bullet for the President” line because that line always works.

Step Ten:

Continue to take personal inventory.  If necessary I will use a money clip instead of a wallet because those are easier to keep track of, especially during Happy hour with a bar full of South American women who may have penises.

Step Eleven:

Seek through prayer and meditation to pick up as many women as we can in bars. Because chicks dig men who are prayerful and willing to take a bullet for the President.

Step Twelve:

Having had a spiritual awakening to our true responsibility of protecting the President, we will practice these principles in all our affairs.  Because watch out baby, the Secret Service is coming to town and looking for action.  Hey honey, you come here often?   Would you like to touch my gun?  You know I’m willing to take a bullet for the President.  Is that your penis?

And that is the Secret Service 12-step program.  You know if I were the President I would hire my own guards.  Just saying.

(605)

The Vatican supports the differentially-abled. My security guards will now show you out

 

In perhaps the greatest example of Christian forbearance and humility, Pope Francis, leader of the world’s Roman Catholics, met today with an idiot.

The idiot from the United States arrived at the Vatican accompanied by fifty vehicles and heavily-armed security guards for his private meeting.

“America is a great country” said Francis.

What other country would treat an idiot like this?  They give him an escort with not one, not two, but fifty vehicles.  Truly America is a Christian nation.

Escorted to meet the Pope, the idiot from America babbled on incoherently about “shared values and a commitment to social justice.”

As Pope Francis shuffled his feet in embarrassment and coughed nervously the idiot presented the Pope with a box of seeds.

“These are seeds from all over America” said the drooling, slack-jawed, floppy-eared idiot.

I like to think they represent the seeds of our shared value of abortion on demand. Take these seeds and put them in your garden. And maybe one day you will see the error of your medieval ways and institute gender equality in the Vatican.

The Pope smiled at the idiot and thanked him for the seeds.

“At least it’s not a damn iPod”  he said.

The idiot, seemingly happy with himself for telling the Pope to institute gender equality, was escorted back to the waiting vehicles.  As they drove off the idiot waved at the Pope and shouted, “I can’t wait to tell Joe Biden I met you!”

“Who the hell is Joe Biden” the Pope asked his Secretary of State, Cardinal Pietro Parolin.

“I believe he’s another American idiot”  responded the Cardinal.

Upon hearing this the Pope exclaimed, “Another American idiot?” and made the Sign of the Cross.

After the American idiot was driven away Cardinal Parolin issued a statement about the meeting.

Pope Francis meets with many people.  Princes.  Prime Ministers.  He will never turn anyone away.  Even this idiot from America.  The Pope thanks the idiot for the gift of the seeds but unfortunately because of the Pope’s responsibilities and busy schedule he will not have a chance to plant them.

The meeting between the Pope and the idiot was heavily covered by the American press who hailed it as “another example of this Pope’s willingness to change Catholic doctrine.”

(825)