The Bossy Horoscope

Somewhere in this horoscope is a picture of my penis

Somewhere in this horoscope is a picture of my penis

Last night as I was reading the good book and sipping tea being thrown out of a bar for showing pictures of my penis to women it occurred to me that it has been awhile since I’ve done a horoscope here at Manhattan Infidel.  It also occurred to me that women who do not want to see pictures of my penis are bossy.  And that’s bad.  And bossy. And bossy is bad. And sexist.  And racist.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you don’t feel 100 percent happy about. Pressure is just another way of saying “Bossy.”  And everyone hates bossy people.   Except when they are bossy.  Like the time you bossed all your female coworkers into wearing French maid outfits or lose their jobs.  A fun time was had by all.  And you still fired them.  What’s the point of being bossy if you can’t make people cry?

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)

Now is the time to be open about your opinions.  Now is the time to be ruthlessly honest.  You don’t like your supervisor’s penis selfies.  He’s being bossy when he sends them.  Then again, he is your supervisor. And you’re just a woman. A weak, insignificant woman.  What? You’re gonna cry?  Gonna cry now?  God I love being bossy.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

The more you dwell on it the more you will worry about it.  So relax and enjoy being bossed around.  Unless your supervisor is an Aquarius. No one likes them.  So stand up for yourself. Remember, it’s not bossy when you do it.  But leave your gun at home. You don’t want to go to jail.  The anal sex in prison is very bossy.  And it’s usually with an Aquarius (the bossy sons of bitches).

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

Your mind may be bubbling with great ideas.  But who cares.  You’re a goddamn Taurus.  Yeah, I’m talking to you. Now shut up and get me a latte. Oh, you don’t like my bossy tone? You should have seen how bossy I was in prison.  Yeah, I’m an Aquarius.  Want to make something of it?

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

If you get a chance to move up on the work front take it.  Don’t worry if you’re not qualified because energy and enthusiasm are more important than experience.  Just realize that everyone else in the office hates your pushy, bossy ass.  Except your Aquarius supervisor who wants to show you a trick or two he learned in prison.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)

Believe it or not there is a reason for everything that happens in life.  You had to kill your Aquarius supervisor.  He asked you to do stuff at work.  And that makes him bossy.  Hopefully you’ll be sent to a medium-security prison.  The prison rape there is slightly less bossy than at the maximum security facilities.

Leo (July 24-Aug 23)

Everyone makes mistakes.  And since you’re a Leo your entire life is a mistake.  Which is why you cry at work a lot.  People are mean to you and ask you to perform tasks.  Let’s face it.  You suck and deserve to be bossed around.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 23)

You won’t see eye-to-eye with someone today.  Probably because you’re the intellectual type and he’s so bossy.  Don’t worry about it. Conflict can be fun.  Especially for the winners. Unfortunately that’s not you and you will snap. Let’s just hope you have a good lawyer because anal sex does not appeal to your nuanced intellect.

Libra  (Sept 24-Oct 23)

You will change your mind about something today.  You do that frequently because you have no backbone.  How you wish you could be bossy.  In your heart of hearts you imagine yourself taking charge and telling people what to do. Then you realize that taking charge is racist so you vomit and do yoga.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

You may be fixed in your opinions.  This is wrong.  To have opinions is bossy. Free your mind from the bourgeois constraints of male-dominated opinions. You should agree with whatever anyone tells you. It’s called “idea redistribution” and it’s compassionate.  And by doing this you might avoid anal rape at the hands of a bossy Aquarius.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

Mercury, planet of communication, moves into the domestic area of your chart today.  This means your spouse will communicate his desire for you to have his dinner ready when he gets home from work.  God, he’s so patriarchal and bossy!  You will console yourself by closing your eyes and thinking of one of the Twilight movies when he insists on penis-in-vagina sex.  Which we all know is bossy sex.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

A social event will be a lot of fun and could lead to a new career opportunity.  But you will miss it because your supervisor wants you to work late.  You will cave in his skull with your keyboard and hold the rest of the office hostage before a SWAT team takes you out.  Relieved coworkers will tell reporters that they weren’t surprised that you snapped because you “always seemed like the latent bossy type.”


One Response

  1. Hey, I didn’t kill my Aquarius supervisor. He commited suicide. He stabbed himelf in the back 23 times.

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