The Secret Service 12-Step Program

Our mission is to protect the President.  And get blind stinking drunk

Our mission is to protect the President. And get blind stinking drunk

With the news that several Secret Service members were sent home for excessive drinking while on detail during President Obama’s recent trip to Belgium, attention has once again focused on the corporate culture inside the organization.  As a member of the MSM with an unswerving commitment to the truth I enjoy lying I used my contacts in Washington hookers to obtain an internal Secret Service memo entailing the twelve steps of recovery for agents in the field.

Step One:

We as Secret Service agents admit we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable.  But hey, at least we look bitching in our bullet proof vests and dark glasses.  And the “I will take a bullet for the most powerful man in the world” line always works in bars.

Step Two:

We believe there is a power greater than ourselves.  It is the IRS.  They scare us.  I mean I know I will take a bullet for the President but I don’t want them auditing me. Screw it.  I’m getting drunk.

Step Three:

We will turn our will and our lives over to the President.  Tomorrow that is.  Right now it’s happy hour and I’m giving these Brazilian girls the old “I’ll take a bullet for the President” line.  They are eating it up.  I just hope they aren’t trannies.   Screw it.  After eight pints who cares about their penis.

Step Four:

We will make a fearless and searching inventory of ourselves.  And our wallets.  I think that trannie stole from me.  Look, I don’t care if the President is in danger where the hell is my money?

Step Five:

We will admit to God, to ourselves and most especially to President Obama that we were not diligent in ensuring that Michelle stayed as far away from him as possible. Probably because we were searching for our wallet.  F*cking trannies.  You can’t trust them.

Step Six:

We are ready to have God remove these defects from our character.  As soon as I find my wallet.

Step Seven:

We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings.  Because none of us wants to deal with an angry President Obama or Michelle.  Hey, I found my wallet.  Time to hit the bars.  It’s happy hour!

Step Eight:

We will make a list of all people we have harmed and/or thrown up on while drunk when we should have been protecting the President.  You know what?  Screw the President.  He’s a grown man he can protect himself.  I’m going to the bar.

Step Nine:

We will make direct amends to the people we have harmed.  And by amends I mean use the old “I am willing to take a bullet for the President” line because that line always works.

Step Ten:

Continue to take personal inventory.  If necessary I will use a money clip instead of a wallet because those are easier to keep track of, especially during Happy hour with a bar full of South American women who may have penises.

Step Eleven:

Seek through prayer and meditation to pick up as many women as we can in bars. Because chicks dig men who are prayerful and willing to take a bullet for the President.

Step Twelve:

Having had a spiritual awakening to our true responsibility of protecting the President, we will practice these principles in all our affairs.  Because watch out baby, the Secret Service is coming to town and looking for action.  Hey honey, you come here often?   Would you like to touch my gun?  You know I’m willing to take a bullet for the President.  Is that your penis?

And that is the Secret Service 12-step program.  You know if I were the President I would hire my own guards.  Just saying.


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