Was James Franco’s Attempt to Lure an Underage Girl to a Hotel Room Caused by Global Warming?

Hi.  I'm James Franco and 100-watt light bulbs increase my sex drive.

Hi. I’m James Franco and 100-watt light bulbs increase my sex drive.

Scandal rocked the tight-knit show biz community as it was alleged that award-winning actor James Franco tried to lure an underage girl to a hotel room for a tryst.

When the news broke the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel sprang into action.  Dammit I used my safe word!  Stop!

First off one must applaud the novelty of an actor trying to hook with an underage girl.  Props to you, Mr. Franco.  Props to you.

But as much as I would like to applaud him it is my job to ruthlessly, objectively see the truth. And so with the sadness that comes with a sense of duty and the knowledge that the truth is out there I now present the reason why Mr. Franco tried to hook up with the 17-year old.

First, the evidence.  Franco’s conversation with the comely 17-year old Scottish lassie was uploaded onto the internet. Let’s examine it.

JamesFrancoTV:  Do you have a boyfriend?  Where are you staying?  What’s your #? What’s the hotel?  Should I rent a room?

As we can see from the following exchange, Mr. Franco shows evidence of a syndrome that I like to call “Manhattan Infidel on a Friday night around 2 am after eight Heinekens.”  

It is a mindset of desperation.  It is a mindset of despair quickly leading to anger followed by running down Broadway carrying a machete and screaming, “This is all your fault Dawn Wells! And Tina Louise too!”

But what causes such despair in the human soul?  Original sin?  Psychological defects?  The Koch brothers?

No.  I believe (and the scientific evidence will back me up) that this sadness in the human soul is caused by anthropogenic global warming.

Let’s examine another part of Mr. Franco’s online exchange.  (Note:  The following is not in the transcripts but it has the ring of truth to it.  It’s fake, but accurate, if you will.)

JamesfrancoTV: I have 100-watt light bulbs. Lots of them. In every room in the house.  F*ck the polar bears.  Let them drown.  What’s your #?  Did you give it to me?  All these 100-watt light bulbs are making me horny.  F*ck sea levels. Let ’em rise.

From the evidence it seems clear.  Mr. Franco, driven insane by lust to have sea levels rise, polar bears drown, and population centers wiped out, tried to engage a 17-year old girl in a romantic encounter.  And by romantic encounter I of course mean an Irish Perm. Or Rusty Trombone. Or Rusty Ukulele.

What can be done to stop people from succumbing to “Manhattan Infidel on a Friday night around 2 am after eight Heinekens”  syndrome?

Only one thing (and the science is settled on this).  Throw out our 100-watt light bulbs and use candlelight instead.  It’s for the children. It’s for our planet.

And that is precisely what I, the Manhattan Infidel, plan to do.

As soon as I finish the Heinekens in my fridge.


4 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    After eight Dos XX’s I’m looking for a 17 year old leaf blower amigo.

  2. GOODSTUFF says:

    “This is all your fault Dawn Wells! And Tina Louise too!”

    A new study “suggest” this global warming thing is due to hot women. The recent data has shown that the ozone layer isn’t to blame for global warming trends, and scientists are looking in a new direction – at hot women. Let me explain, back in the day…

    Global Warming and Hot Women

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>