My Exclusive Interview with Gwyneth Paltrow

Common people have it sooooo easy!

Common people have it sooooo easy!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing none other than the established actress, Gwyneth Paltrow.

MI: Good afternoon Miss Paltrow

GP: Thank you Manhattan Infidel.  

MI: Let’s talk about – 

GP: Excuse me.  I’m Gwyneth Paltrow, respected and elite actress.  I’ll talk about what I want to talk about.

MI: I’m sorry.  What would you you like to talk about?

GP:  The many sacrifices that I, a respected and elite actress, have to make.

MI: Okay.

GP: Sacrifices that common people like you do not have to make.

MI:  Such as?

GP:  Common mothers have it so much easier than I, a respected and elite actress, do.

MI: Really?

GP: Yes.  I think it’s different when you have an office job, because it’s routine and, you know, you can do all the stuff in the morning and then you come home in the evening, like common people do.  But I, as an elite and respected actress, am expected to fly off at a minute’s notice to far away places like Montana to shoot a movie.  Common people do not have to worry about that.

MI: I hadn’t thought of that.

GP: It requires sacrifices. Take for instance feeding your children.  When a common mother commutes in her car and her breeder offspring are hungry she can always stop at a McDonald’s and feed the kid whatever common people feed their overweight kids.  Meat I think.  But me?  Let me give you an example.  A couple months ago I was flying on a private jet to see my husband – this was before we consciously uncoupled – in concert.  My baby was crying.  I had no food to give her. Someone suggested I breast feed her but that was out of the question since I had to maintain nipple integrity for a film shoot.

MI: What did you do?

GP: I asked my Mexican gardener, Carlito, to breast feed her.  He objected and kept saying, “Por Favor Senora.  Yo soy un hombre!” It saddened me to see a person of color so attached to patriarchal sexual identity roles. So I gave my child some pretzels.  And some leftover meth that one of my assistants had.

MI:  Should you really have done that?

GP: The pretzels?  Probably not.  Fortunately the meth was gluten-free.

MI: I see.

GP: And let me tell you another sacrifice that I, as an elite and accomplished actress, have to make that common people don’t.  Sexual experimentation.  When a common mother wants to have a threesome she puts an ad on craigslist or grabs her Mexican gardener.  But with my husband sometimes thousands of miles away on tour I have to experiment with two strangers, not just one. And like most women I can’t fully orgasm until I know the names of the strangers who are taking turns on me.

MI: Um.

GP: So you see, being a member of the elite makes my life so much harder.  I mean what good is a ten million dollar paycheck for 30 days’ work if you can’t enjoy it at home, surrounded by loved ones and Mexican gardeners?

MI: That’s about all the questions I have.

GP: Oh, and I forgot to add that mostly likely common women have American husbands. And Americans are so uncouth.  I married an Englishman.  Englishmen are more intelligent and intellectual.  As an elite and accomplished actress that made my life a little easier.  Well, until I found him consciously coupling with the Mexican maid. 

MI: I thank you for your time.

GP: Do you smell that?  Smells like feces.

MI:  Yes it does.  I believe you had an accident.

GP: Oh no.  It can’t be me.  Mine doesn’t stink.

MI: Yes.  Yes it does.

GP: Impossible.  I am an elite and accomplished actress.

And so I left the elite and accomplished actress.  And her accident.  You know it really is difficult leading an elite lifestyle.


One Response

  1. petermc3 says:

    A wise old man once told me “Shit in the grass, house on fire, let it burn.” He was a Mexican gardner.

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