As always the fault lies with Sarah Palin

In the weeks since the disappearance of Flight 370 many theories have been formed about what happened. I have been asked to put in my two cents.  Due to a previous commitment this opium den is like home to me I have been unable to before today.

I will now divide the more prevalent theories into the not likely, the probable and the most likely.  I ask my readers to please not try this at home.  Remember, I am a professional blogger.

The Not Likely

• Human error

It has been theorized that human error brought down the flight.  Somehow the pilots made a simple error which doomed them.  I find this not likely.  The pilots after all were trained professionals.  The best and the brightest. Elites in their field.  And when was the last time the elite screwed things up?

• Terrorism

Both pilots were Muslim.  It has been suggested (by Republicans and Fox News) that they crashed the plane to kill the infidels that were aboard.  This is nonsense.  Islam, after all, is the Religion of Peace™.  To even suggest this shows what an intolerant racist you are.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  And I’m not just saying this because a Muslim man kidnapped my goat.

The Probable

• Frikin’ laser beams

‘Nuf said.  George Bush built frikin’ laser beams to destroy third world people. Everybody knows that.

• Black holes

Hey, that’s holes of color! Despite your racist terminology it is quite possible that a hole of color (possibly manned by an alien species) brought down the flight to probe our defenses.

Most Likely

• The Koch brothers

Is there any evil this despicable duo won’t try?  Is there any evil this despicable duo isn’t responsible for? From ordering Timothy McVeigh to blow up the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building to urging Hitler to kill the Jews, these brothers are evil. They should not be allowed to exercise free speech.  They should be locked up in prison for the rest of their natural lives.  It’s for the children.

• Sarah Palin

Lastly we come to the most likely cause of the disappearance of Flight 370:  Former Alaska governor and Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. To investigate this story I camped out in front of Palin’s residence in Alaska.  Using state of the art microphones I was able to pick up the following conversation:

Palin:Yeah, I’d like to order a large pizza.

Unidentified Voice (probably a Koch brother):What do you want on it?

Palin:Give me the meat lovers’ pizza.  I want my pizza covered in meat.

From this snippet of conversation is is clear that Palin (that unspeakably evil bastard) was using code.  Pizza obviously mean “bring down a plane.”   Pizza covered in meat will naturally be darker.  By ordering pizza covered in meat Palin (Evil!  Evil!) was ordering a plane with peoples of color to be shot out of the sky.

 

Why would Palin do this?  Revenge?  Lust for power?  Who can really understand evil.  I for one thank god that as a member of the elite I am a good person who feels good about myself.

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