“Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe?” ~ The Lament of Mankind.
Your 2014 New York Yankees (Priced out of the range of the average fan)
And so on a chilly Friday night in The Bronx (that’s Da Bronx to youse outsidahs) I attended my first game of the year against the Tampa Bay Rays. The Yankees (already down two pitchers) started Vidal Sassoon Nuno (0-0 6.78) and the Rays started David Price (3-2 4.44). Neither pitcher figured in the decision of tonight’s game which went into the 14th inning.
Tampa Bay scored (I refuse to use the obnoxious term “plated“) first in the top of the second when James Loney singled home Sean Rodriguez. 1-0 Tampa after 1 1/2.
In the bottom of the second the Yankees took the lead when our new catcher (who was DH’ing) Brian McCann hit a home run after Alfonso “Not Italian” Soriano doubled. 2-1 Yankees after two.
In the top of the fourth Will Myers singled home Evan “Not Eva” Longoria to tie the score. Logan Forsythe then hit a sac fly to center, scoring Myers. 3-2 Tampa Bay after four innings.
In the fifth Desmond Jennings homered. 4-2 Tampa Bay.
And so the score stayed that way until the bottom of the eighth when Mark “I still hate Hispanics” Teixeira and Alfonso “Does Teixeira hate me?” Soriano hit solo home runs. 4-4 after eight.
In the top of the ninth Evan Longoria singled home Ben Zobrist. 5-4 Tampa.
Would the game go into extra innings? Would the Yankees win? Why does that bartender keep macing me when I ask for her number? Two of these questions were about to be answered.
In the bottom of the ninth Jacoby Ellsbury singled home Brian Roberts. 5-5 after nine.
So they went into extra innings. Tampa Bay eventually scored five times in the top of the 14th and won the game 10-5. Heath Bell (1-1 6.06) got the win for Tampa Bay and Chris Leroux (0-1 22.50…yes, 22.50) got the loss for the Yankees.
Notes on the game:
Tonight was “Declining Attendance Night” at the Stadium. The first 1000 fans were kicked in the nuts and hit with a surcharge. And who says the Yankees are heartless?
Best heckle of the game:
My heckle of “Rock is the expression of elemental passions, and at rock festivals it assumes a cultic character, a form of worship. People are, so to speak, released from themselves by the experience of being part of a crowd and by the emotional shock of rhythm, noise, and special lighting effects. However, in the ecstasy of having all their defenses torn down, the participants sink, as it were, beneath the elemental force of the universe” didn’t fire up the crowd.
New Yorkers are decadent libertines, apparently.
As always the Yankees played the song “Cotton Eye Joe” during the eight inning. The mournful lament for Cotton Eye Joe represents mankind’s attempt to grasp the infinite: Tragically always outside our reach.
Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?
Indeed. Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe? Where did you go? Is Cotton Eye Joe the Divinity itself? And if so, will prayer to this Cotton Eye Joe help? Can we live in a state of grace with the spirit of Cotton Eye Joe inside us? And why does that bartender keep tasering me when I ask for her number? Perhaps we shall never have the answer to any of these questions. Perhaps mankind will remain in a state of nature without the help of Cotton Eye Joe. Perhaps I should wear pants the next time I ask for her number.
Reader mail:
L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I don’t need no stinking Cotton Eye Joe!’
So you are officially rejecting Cotton Eye Joe?
D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “If it hadn’t been for Cotton-Eye Joe I’d been married a long time ago.”
You’re obviously referring the discipline of priestly celibacy as practiced in the Latin Church. A controversial topic.
The infamous reprobate known as M.B. of Brooklyn, writes, “Once, in the body or out of the body, I do not know, I was caught up to the third Heaven and saw Cotton Eye Joe.”
He wasn’t a midget, was he? Because if he was then I am renouncing my faith in Cotton Eye Joe.
S.J. of Harlem writes, “Cotton Eye Joe doesn’t care about the black man!”
Are you saying Cotton Eye Joe and George Bush are the same person?
A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe?”
Testify brother!
Recommended reading material:
Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtyla.
My record this year stands at 0-1. My next game is Sunday, May 4th against the same Tampa Bay Rays.
Go Yankees!
Sunday May 4th
Rot in hell Mohegan Sun Sports Bar!
Sunday found your intrepid correspondent back at Yankee Stadium. Why? Just a glutton for punishment. This time I was not in my usual seat in the right field bleachers. I was in the left field bleachers (with an obstructed view no less.) Any ball hit to right field I had to guess what happened by the crowd reaction. But at least I did have a good view of the Mohegan Sun Sports Bar blocking my view of right field.
The Yankees started CC “See you later” Sabathia (3-4 5.75) while Tampa Bay countered with Eric Bedard (1-1 4.35).
CC was his usual ineffective self and gave up ten hits and five runs over 3 2/3 innings.
Tampa Bay scored in the top of the first when after Logan Forsythe led off with a double Evan Longoria hit a ground rule double. 1-o Tampa Bay after half an inning.
In the bottom of the second Mark “Portuguese are Hispanic, right?” led off with a single and moved to third on an Alfonso Soriano double. After Kelly Johnson popped up to shortstop Yangervis Solarte, of the Chippewa Falls Solartes, hit a sac fly to center field, scoring Teixeira. 1-1 after two.
And that was the last time the Yankees would ever come close to the lead. As I mentioned before the new CC was pitching. In the top of the third after an Desmond Jennings double and a walk to Evan Longoria, Will Myers hit an inside the park home run. 4-1 Tampa Bay after three.
In the fourth Will Myers (that man again!) doubled home Logan Forsythe. 5-1 Tampa Bay after 3 1/2. And that was the final score.
Alfredo Aceves pitched 5 1/3 effective innings of relief for the Yankees, allowing no runs and only three hit while striking out five.
Note on the game:
There were some people from Argentina in the bleachers in front of me. They wanted to check out the American game of baseball. They thought it was boring. Well, it was a boring game. Cold, very windy and the Yankees were never in the game. They gave the crowd no reason to cheer. In fact, you could say the crowd was deader and colder than Philip Seymour Hoffman with a toe tag.
The Argentinians did not last the entire game. They left in the fifth to go check out the Louis Armstrong museum in Queens. They asked me how to get there. Being a good New Yorker I gave them false directions. ‘Effin tourists.
Celebrity sightings:
Peyton Manning was at the game. “I’m just glad I’m here not on the other side of the Hudson at the Meadowlands. New Jersey is mean and makes me soil my underwear” he told reporters.
Your Manhattan Infidel heckle of the game:
My shout of “I know someone who was caught up to the third heaven and saw Cotton Eye Joe!” drew puzzled stares from crowd. New Yorkers aren’t big on religion I guess.
Reader mail:
L.K. of New Jersey writes, “Cotton Eye Joe is a myth, like Ben Affleck and Big Foot.”
I’m starting to agree with you. Cotton Eye Joe is a capricious deity. Besides, the infamous reprobate known as M.B. of Brooklyn tells me he is a midget.
Speaking of which the infamous M.B. herself writes, “I never said Cotton Eye Joe was a a midget!”
Yes. But you never said he wasn’t, either. I find your silence troubling. What is it you aren’t telling me about your vision? Is it worse than midgetdom? Is Cotton Eye Joe Irish?
A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe?”
Give it up son. Cotton Eye Joe doesn’t care about us. We are on our own.
Recommended reading material:
Unlocking Divine Action: Contemporary Science and Thomas Aquinas by Michael J. Dodds, O.P.
And so my record stands at 0-2 this year. My next game is Tuesday May 13th against that other team that plays in New York.
I am 0-2. Perhaps if I had more faith in Cotton Eye Joe I’d be 2-0?
If I hadn’t been for Cotton Eye Joe/I’d been married long time ago/Where did you come from, where did you go?/Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe?
Indeed. Where have you gone, Cotton Eye Joe? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
(825)
