My Exclusive Interview with the Loch Ness Monster

The Loch Ness Monster in a candid shot

The Loch Ness Monster in a candid shot

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the distinct honor of interviewing a fascinating but reclusive character who rarely grants interviews:  The Loch Ness Monster herself.

MI: Good afternoon Bessie.  May I call you Bessie?

LNM: No.  My name is Aileen.  Bessie is something the press created.  I hate that name.

MI: Okay, Aileen.  Let’s start off with a basic question.  How old are you?

LNM:  Don’t you know it’s not polite to ask a lady how old she is.

MI: Got it.  Next question.  Why is Loch Ness your home?

LNM: Well, I’m not originally from Loch Ness.  

MI: You’re not?

LNM: No.  I’m from Detroit.  I moved out because, well, it’s Detroit.  Taxes are low here.  I like the climate and living in the bottom of lake is still preferable to Detroit.  

MI: I see.  So you live at the bottom of the Loch.  What do you eat?

LNM: As you can imagine being a bottom feeder my diet is varied.  I eat tires, plastic rings, refrigerators, Catholics.  You know, whatever the Scottish throw into the Loch.

MI: Catholics?

LNM:  Yes.  You’d be surprised how many the Scottish throw into the lake.  Are you a papist?

MI:  Next question.  You are notoriously shy when it comes to being photographed. The most famous photo of you is a grainy black and white one.

LNM: I hate that photo.  Now I know why Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn go apeshit on photographers.  I was just out having a swim and everyone starts taking photos of me.  I had no makeup on.  My skin was white and shriveled.  I was in the water!

MI: I can see how that would be annoying.  Let’s talk about your impact hereYou’ve created quite the tourist boom for this part of Scotland.  Do you see any of that money?

LNM: I get ten percent.  It’s a standard deal.  My agent is trying to renegotiate. We’re holding the nuclear option over their heads.  It seems to be working.

MI: The nuclear option?

LNM: If I don’t get a better deal I relocate to a lake in England.  Just the very thought drives the Scottish crazy.

MI: Let’s move on.  How do you like being called “The Loch Ness Monster”?

LNM:  Monster? Monster?  Do I look like a monster?

MI: No.  You look like a really big fish.  Or Rosie O’Donnell on liposuction.  Take your pick.

LNM: I’ll let that pass.  As I was saying you can only imagine how that affects my love life.  Who wants to date a so-called monster?

MI: Not many men I assume.

LNM: Precisely.  Now men think I’m a monster and they avoid me.  You’d think I was Katherine Heigl for Christ’s sake.

MI: That would be very bad.

LNM: So how’d you like to show a single lady a good time?

MI: I’ll pass, thanks.

LNM: What do you  mean no?  Where are you going?  Do not walk away from me! I’m considered quite the catch. Wilt Chamberlain had me.

MI: Who didn’t he have.  Anyway.  Bye.

LNM: At least buy me some shoes!  Come back!

Bessie, I mean Aileen, seems to have a chip on her shoulder.  She was nowhere near as pleasant as Bigfoot was.


2 Responses

  1. Hey, we Scotts don’t havee chips on our shoulders. They”re #@^&%#@ing boulders so you had better watch yourself. 🙂

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