Climate change frightens me. Not as much as Sarah Jessica Parker, but still it frightens me

Today at Manhattan Infidel I want to address a serious subject: Climate change.  And who better to discuss climate change with than an actor.  Because when one thinks of logic, reasoned discourse and rational debate one of course thinks of actors.

I tried to interview Leonardo DiCaprio but he was busy doing non-global warming cocaine off a male hooker’s ass.  So instead I was able to snag an interview with none other than fellow climate change alarmist Chris Noth from Sex and the City and Law and Order.

MI:Good afternoon Mr. Noth.  Thank you for meeting with me.

[Pause]

MI: Mr. Noth?

CN: Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.  I was distracted.  Frightened really.

MI: Frightened?  What frightened you?

CN: Climate change of course.  Climate change terrifies me.  For the first time in my life I’m worried whether the stuff we rely upon to sustain life will last into the next generation.

MI: Stuff?

CN:Yes.  The stuff we breathe every day.  I don’t know what they call it.

MI: Oxygen?

CN: Some people call it that.  The science isn’t settled.

MI: Did you just say the science isn’t settled?

CN: It’s not.  Anyway.  Climate change frightens the shit out of me.  Like yesterday I woke up and it was dark out.  Then I saw a great ball of fire light up the sky and the temperature climbed about 15 degrees.  Now I don’t know what causes this.  I don’t know what they call that ball of fire in the sky.

MI: Um, it’s called the Sun.  It appears every morning and when it does the temperature goes up.

CN: The Sun?  I don’t know.  I think they call it thermonuclear bombs not the Sun. The science isn’t settled.  But back to my point.  I was scared shitless by this ball of fire in the sky.  It raised temperatures all over my home island of Manhattan.  I turned on my air conditioner and wept for our planet.

MI: Chris – 

CN: I mean aren’t you frightened by what I just described?

MI: Chris it’s called the Sun. Every 24 hours the Earth revolves.  Sometimes we are facing the Sun. That’s called “daytime” and the temperature will rise accordingly. Sometimes the other side of the planet faces the Sun.  When that happens we have nighttime and temperatures drop.

CN: What the hell are you talking about? Earth revolving around the Sun?  That’s not science.

MI:Um, Chris – 

CN: Do you know what frightens me most about climate change.  It’s not the science of it, because that it settled. It’s political inaction.  I call upon everyone to give up their cars.  Give up their light bulbs.  Give up their air conditioners.  Do it for the planet.  Because if we do this we will not have the so-called “night”  and “day’ you just described.  We can break free of the cycle of climate change.

MI: Chris – 

CN: Do it.  Give all this up and end climate change.  It’s science.

MI: No it’s not.

CN: Oh, and do you know what else frightens me besides climate change?

MI: No.

CN: Sarah Jessica Parker.  People tell me she’s sexy but she looks like a horse.  Horses frighten me.  I keep picturing Sarah stomping me with her horse hooves.  Or maybe even coming out of the sky like a giant flaming ball and scorching our planet. Do you think she causes global warming also?

MI: I don’t think so.

CN: I’ll have to look it up.  It sounds scientifically feasible.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I – 

CN:  Don’t go.  I beg  you.  I’m frightened.  Soon it’ll be dark and the temperatures will drop.  Let’s strip naked and huddle closely.

MI: I’m not doing that.

CN: It’s science!  Shared body warmth will help us survive the long, cruel climate change winter.

MI: No thanks.  I have a jacket.

CN: A jacket?  Burn it!  Jackets cause climate change.

MI: I’ll just let myself out.

CN:Science is a cruel bitch!  Thank god as an actor I am smart enough to understand science stuff.

And so ended my interview with the renowned actor.  The sun will set soon. Time for me to hit some bars.  For the planet.

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