Bill de Blasio’s official mayoral portrait

In what has been described as a “first” in the history of recorded science, a man born with his head up his ass has survived to adulthood and is apparently able to function, albeit on a limited level.

The subject in question, New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm, Jr., (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) has been the object of medical curiosity since he first gained renown when he won election last November.

“We have examined him thoroughly since the election” said one doctor.

He first came to our attention when after he was elected he vowed to remove carriage horses from the streets.  I thought, “Jeez this guy isn’t even mayor yet and he’s already putting people out of work?  He must really have his head up his ass.” Our tests confirmed that he does suffer from a rare syndrome known as “headupitus assitis” Normally people who suffer from this don’t survive to adulthood but this guy not only has survived but on top of that was elected to office.  Maybe all the voters in New York have their head up their asses as well?

Further evidence of headupitus assitus was confirmed when during a blizzard the mayor didn’t have the streets of the upper east side plowed.

I mean just because they didn’t vote for him is no reason not to plow the damn streets.  Who would be so petty except somebody with his head up his ass?

Not all doctors were convinced that Wilhelm, Jr., suffered from the rare disorder.  Some believed that perhaps he was just a “goddamned idiot.”

Confirmation soon came when the mayor refused to march in the St. Patrick’s day parade.

Who but someone with his head up his ass would do something as stupid as that? The last mayor who didn’t march in the parade was David Dinkins.  Is Wilhelm, Jr., saying he wants to be the next David Dinkins?  If so what more evidence do we need.  He suffers from headupitus assitis.  Oh, and he also married a lesbian.  If you are going to marry a lesbian at least marry a hot one, not one that looks like Danny Glover.  Headupitus assitis.  Worse case I’ve ever seen.

While the mayor can occasionally be seen in public without his head up his ass (as shown in this photo of the mayor and his family engaging in a dignified march)

Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., (right) engages in a dignified celebration of not having his head up his ass.

scientists believe this is limited to only a few minutes a day.

We feel it is probably similar to quadriplegics who are dependent on a respirator. They can breathe on their own, but only for a few minutes a day.  Sucks to be him but medical science cannot help.

The NYPD has announced that any attempts to disparage Wilhelm Jr., because of his condition will be treated as a hate crime.

“You’d have to have your head up your ass to commit a hate crime in New York City” said commissioner Bill Bratton.

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