Yeah we lost the emails, Capish. Now why don’t you behave yourself before something happens to you!

Using my god-given investigate skills I was able to obtain a draft of this yet-to-be-released memo to all IRS employees from their lead counsel.  It is my hope that this document will help us make light of the recent scandals involving the organization:

As you may know this has been a rough year for the Internal Revenue Service.  First we were accused of  targeting conservative groups.  This is false. Sort of true. Technically accurate. We put the smack down on them!  And why shouldn’t we have done so?  Frankly these groups who are pro-freedom are a threat to our existence. The sixteenth amendment wasn’t passed just to allow us to stand by and let our power slip from our hands at the urging of certain so-called Tea Party groups. Paying taxes is a sacred duty all Americans must abide by.  Government of the bureaucrat by the bureaucrat and for the bureaucrat means more money for redistribution.  And that is a good thing. 

So the next time you are walking down the street and some right-winger accosts you and says, “Why are you targeting us?” simply reply “I work for the government.  I am not answerable to you!”  Then walk away.  Let the little person wallow in their littleness.

If you are called to testify before congress as to alleged harassment putting the smack down on tea baggers, do not panic.  Remember as long as a Democrat (who can be relied upon to share our faith in redistribution of wealth) is in the White House the press will not pursue the story.  The public will quickly bore of these “phony scandals” and will ask the Republicans to stop their partisan hatred.  (It works every time.)

Secondly, if you are unfortunate enough to have your emails subpoenaed, do not worry.  We have engaged the top I.T. professionals in their field who are hard at work losing your data. 

As I write this Operation “Implausible Story” is in full swing. Under implausible story if and when you are subpoenaed a computer technician will open up your PC, smash the hard drive with a hammer and then close it.  Magically your computer will appear to have crashed.  “These things happen” as Lois Lerner might say.

Not only will your hard drive be wiped out but under the protocols of Implausible Story all backups of your emails on our servers will be erased.

But you may say, “No one will believe that.”  

That’s why all our computers run on Windows 8.  Windows 8 is our “race card” so to speak.  Once Windows 8 is mentioned the committee members you are testifying in front of will have no choice but to throw their hands up and say, “Windows 8?  Why didn’t you say so in the first place.  Now we believe you.”

Note:  It has come to our attention that some employees are still using Windows XP or Window 7. There is no need for concern.  Computer professionals armed with shotguns and scimitars will be visiting all branch offices destroying older equipment.

You know, by God, I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the bastards. We’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our Prius’s. We’re going to murder those lousy Tea Party bastards by the bushel.

Now, there’s one thing that you men, women and transgendered will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside (assuming your local municipality hasn’t banned fireplaces) with your gay grandson on your knee, and he asks you, “What did you do in the great moral war against the Tea Party?” you won’t have to say, “Well, I obeyed the Constitution.”

That is all.

Office of the General Counsel of the IRA IRS.

It all makes sense now.

(407)

Booooooooooring!

As anyone who has been kicked out of their favorite bar recently by tons of Eurotrash knows, the so-called “World Cup” is currently being played in the slums of Rio de Janeiro.  (And much thanks to the homeless who graciously agreed to be moved so that the stadiums could be built.) While Manhattan Infidel finds soccer to be about as exciting as masturbating while reading Ladies Home Journal, my duty as a member of the MSM compels me to present the Manhattan Infidel Guide to the World Cup™.

• What is the World Cup?

The World Cup is an event that happens every four years (or it might be six or eight I really couldn’t give a shit).  It is run by FIFA.

• What is FIFA?

It is an organization so profoundly corrupt it makes the United Nations envious.

• I heard that the World Cup is a sporting event.  What game do they play?

There seems to be some confusion at to this.  I hear they play football, though I briefly checked out six minutes of a game (what they call a “match“) and didn’t see one shoulder pad or attractive yet clueless female reporter on the sidelines.  There was no halftime (how am I supposed to hit the can?) nor were there lesbian strippers acting as cheerleaders.  In fact the game, if you can call it that, involved men kicking a round ball across a field until one player came within five feet of another player, allowing both players to collapse on the field faking injuries.

• I am an American who has many European friends.  I like watching these matches with my friends.

You make me sick you maggot.

• No seriously.  Europeans are so sophisticated and intelligent, not like Americans who are stupid cowboys.

It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress.

• Are there any special traditions about the World Cup I can participate in?

I’m glad you mentioned that.  There are in fact many time-honored traditions that soccer lovers engage in.

• Wow!  What are these?  Are they easy to do?  Can I as an American learn how to participate in these time-honored traditions?

Yes  First, wear a “football” jersey such as the one seen here.

This match is so exciting. Do you want to have sex with me?

As an added bonus, wearing a “football” jersey also acts a signal that you wish to engage in homosexual activity with an Eastern European.

• So that’s it?  All I have to do is wear a “football” jersey and engage in homosexual activity?

If only.  There is more to watching the World Cup than that.  You must also consume copious amounts of alcohol, fight with strangers and pass out in a puddle of your own vomit.

• But I already do that every Saturday night.

Then you’re halfway there.  There is only one thing more that you have to do.

• I’m listening.  But can you make this quick.  I’m about to have a homosexual encounter with a Croatian.

I’ll try to make this quick, just as the Croatian will say just before he does that thing in your mouth he said he wouldn’t.  You will need to yell racial slurs at any “football” player who isn’t white.

• Racial slurs?  But I’m a progressive liberal Democrat.  I reserve my racial slurs for the Irish!

That’s a start. But you need to dig deeper. From observing World Cup fans I’ve found that  “Look at the f*cking gorilla on the field” is a good way to break the racial slur ice.

• Thanks.  You’ve given me so much good advice.  Is there anything else I should know?

Yes. Get the f*ck out of my bar.  I want to watch a baseball game.

And there you have it readers.  Enjoy the World Cup.

(3456)

Yes I exist and Manhattan Infidel will now prove it.

Being a blogger I make it a point to concern myself with questions such as does God exist?  Can his existence be proven or inferred?  Did the delivery boy urinate in my Pepsi? I’ve bought this woman four drinks.  Why hasn’t she agreed to sleep with me?

Today I will concern myself with the question of God’s existence.  I will prove that God exists, and I shall show that popular supermodel Kate Upton is in fact God.

The Argument of the Unmoved Mover 

It is certain and evident to our senses that certain things are in motion.  Now whatever is in motion is put in motion by another.  It is therefore impossible that in the same respect and in the same way a thing should be both mover and moved, i.e. that it should move itself. Therefore, whatever is in motion must be put in motion by another. If that by which it is put in motion be itself put in motion, then this also must needs be put in motion by another, and that by another again. But this cannot go on to infinity, because then there would be no first mover. The first mover would be the most excellent and powerful.  Pure essence. And this first mover is Kate Upton’s breasts.

Look at my breasts and believe!

The Argument of the First Cause

It is apparent that some things are caused.  Everything that is caused is caused by something else.  There is no case known (neither is it, indeed, possible) in which a thing is found to be the efficient cause of itself; for so it would be prior to itself.   Now to take away the cause is to take away the effect.  There must be a first cause.  An uncaused cause of all that is caused.  This uncaused cause will be most perfect and responsible for all other causes. And this first cause is Kate Upton’s breasts.

Look at my breasts and believe

The Argument of Contingency

The third way is taken from possibility and necessity. We find in nature things that are possible to be and not to be.  But much like my hairline, it is impossible for these always to exist,  for that which is possible not to be at some time is not.  I will use Ben Affleck as an example of contingency.  He exists.  But it is not necessary that he exists.  Indeed, anyone who has seen Gigli or Daredevil will find himself asking, “If it is possible for Ben Affleck not to exist, please make it soon.”  Not all things are possible but there must exist something the existence of which is truly necessary.  And this necessary cause is Kate Upton’s breasts.

Look at my breasts and believe

The Argument from Degree

The fourth way is taken from the gradation to be found in things. Among beings there are some more and some less good, true, noble and the like.  In order from the less good to the most good I will use the following:  

• Zeppo Marx – obviously a lesser good. A very very very lesser good.  Probably not necessary at all.
• The last four years of the X Files –   A lesser good but no Zeppo Marx.  Semi-necessary since I currently use DVDs of the last four years of the X Files as a paperweight.
• Paul McCartney and Wings –  Cannot be used as a paperweight but Junior’s Farm rocked.
• MacGyver –  Yes, a fictional character. But also good, true and noble.  If MacGyver had been stranded on Gilligan’s island he would have found a way to rescue the castaways.

And finally, the summit of existence, the most true and noble and necessary.  And this is Kate Upton’s breasts.

Look at my breasts and believe

The Argument from Design

All natural bodies follow laws of conduct.  Laws of conduct are characteristic of intelligence.   Therefore there exists an intelligent being that created the laws for all natural bodies.  A benevolent intelligent being who wants us to be happy.  And this benevolent intelligent being is Kate Upton’s breasts.

Look at my breasts and believe

So readers, look at Kate Upton’s breasts.  And believe.

(26978)

No real bullets were used in today’s interpretive dance session

After watching the 70th anniversary of D-Day and the infamous interpretive dance of the event it got me to thinking.  Why this prejudice against the fine art of interpretive dance? The sight of hundreds of professional dancers pretending to land at Normandy and dodging fake bullets was profoundly moving.  In fact, I, the Manhattan Infidel, hasn’t been so profoundly moved since the the last time I accidentally overdosed on laxatives.

Anyway, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  The glory of interpretative dance.  Why not use it to celebrate every major event in our history?  With that in mind I’d like to provide a few examples of what History Through Interpretive Dance™ might look like.

President Kennedy’s assassination

First Announcer: Welcome to the anniversary celebration of President Kennedy’s assassination.  The crowd is gathered in anticipation of today’s ceremony.  The highlight will be an interpretive dance of the event.

Second Announcer: Indeed.  As you know they spent lots of time and money on the prosthetic head that the actor playing President Kennedy will wear.

First Announcer:  It’s simple professionalism.  And here comes the limo now  I can see the actor playing President Kennedy.

Second Announcer: And there is the actor portraying Lee Harvey Oswald.  He is lifting his imaginary rifle, or I should say, interpretating holding a rifle.

First Announcer: And he’s pretending to shoot!

Second Announcer: The actor playing Kennedy is slumping forward.  

First Announcer: And there goes the prosthetic. Look at that spray!

Second Announcer: It’s a miracle of Hollywood.  It really looks like brain matter.

First Announcer: I don’t know how they do it.

Second Announcer: I’ve been told they used a combination of string cheese, hamburger and Sriracha sauce.

First Announcer: And look at the actress portraying Jackie.  She really looks like she’s trying to pick her husband’s brains off the trunk of the car.

Second Announce: She must be a method actress.

Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinksy

First Announcer: Welcome to the interpretative dance commemoration of MonicaGate.  And here come the two actors now.

Second Announcer: Wow. The actor portraying Bill Clinton really looks horny.  Just look at the way he keeps motioning to his groin.

First Announcer: And down come the pants.  In slow motion.  

Second Announcer: Obviously they are taking some artistic license here. 

First Announcer: True.  I doubt in the original event the pants took so long to come down.

Second Announcer: The actress portraying Monica is accepting a cigar from Clinton.

First Announcer: I wonder if they are using a real cigar.

Second Announcer: I don’t know.  But it sure looks real.  Kudos to the prop department.

First Announcer: Now she’s on her knees.

Second Announcer: The crowd loves it.  They are chanting, “Suck!  Suck!  Suck!”

First Announcer: Do you know what they will be using to simulate the stain on the blue dress?

Second Announcer:  I believe they are using hair conditioner mixed with soap.

First Announcer: Really?

Second Announcer: It’s for the sake of viscosity.

First Announcer:  And now he’s telling her that he’ll give her a call.

Second Announcer:  She looks like she’s buying it.

First Announcer:  Well he’s the President.   Why wouldn’t she?

Second Announcer:  And here comes the actress portraying Hillary.  

First Announcer:  She looks angry.  But not with Bill.  She’s angry at Monica.

Second Announcer:  Well, Hillary is a feminist and as such has to stand by her man.

I for one would like to see more historical events portrayed through the majesty and glory of interpretative dance.

(469)