Parenting Tips From New York City First Lady Chirlane De Blasio

I am not Danny Glover!

I am not Danny Glover!

Recently there was no little controversy in New York after the wife of Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr., (stage name Bill de Blasio), Chirlane McCray, admitted in an interview that she wasn’t always the best parent.

In the interest of fair play I have asked Mrs. Wilhelm Jr., to grace the pages of Manhattan Infidel to provide her side of the story.

MI: Good afternoon Mrs. de Blasio

CDB:  Please, do not call me by my slave name.

MI: I’m sorry.  You’re slave name?

CDB:Yes.  Mrs. de Blasio.  Marriage, and by extension married names serve one purpose:  to perpetuate white power.

MI:  Okay I see.  What do you wish to be called?

CDB:  I prefer my African tribal name of “Wu Tang Clan.”

MI: And what does that mean?

CDB: Danny Glover.

MI: It seems appropriate.  Anyway, let’s talk about your recent interview with New York Magazine.  It was quite frank and honest.  You talk about your mixed feelings over the birth of your daughter.  You say among other things that “I was 40 year old. I had a life.  I couldn’t spend every day with her.  I looked for all kinds of reasons not to do it.”  Is this a fair assessment of your state of mind at the time.

CDB: Definitely.  Like all modern women, well, like all modern intelligent women, and as we know this excludes Republican women, I had a career.  All my emotional needs were met by putting on a pants suit with shoulder pads and working in an office.  I even learned to urinate standing up.

MI: Where’s this going?

CDB: Let me finish.  I had a career. And then I combined my aura with Bill and conceived a child.  This child was born. This mewling, puking shitting thing was demanding my time.  Now like all modern, intelligent women, I could have hired a full-time nanny to do the dirty work like feed her, change her diaper, let her suck her nipple. I also seriously considered a retro-active abortion.

MI: A retro-active abortion?  What is that exactly.

CDB: You take your infant down to the river and throw it in and let it drown.  It’s compassionate and allows a woman to full fill her career needs.

MI: Um, what you’re describing is called “murder.”

CDB: Oh please.  Do not try to change the topic with your patriarchal word play.  It’s bad enough my husband had to stick his missile of destruction inside me but then his man-seed grew inside me.

[Paul Anka enters]

Can't you feel my seed inside you baby can't you feel it growing?

Can’t you feel my seed inside you baby can’t you feel it growing?

PA: What’s that you say?  His seed inside you was growing?

CDB: Yes.  His seed planted inside me I felt it growing.

You're having my baby

You’re having my baby

PA: You’re having his baby/What a lovely way of saying how much you love him/having his baby/what a lovely way of saying what you’re thinking of him/I can see it/face is glowing/I can see it in your eyes I’m happy that you know it.

CDB: I’m a woman in love and I love what’s going through me.

My seed it's growing

My seed it’s growing

PA: Whoa, the seed inside ya, baby, do you feel it growin’?/Are you happy you know it?/That you’re having his baby.

CDB: I’m a woman in love and I love what it’s doin’ to me

PA:  Having his baby.

Thank you.  I'm here all week people.  Remember to tip your waitress and drive home safely

Thank you. I’m here all week people. Remember to tip your waitress and drive home safely

CDB:  I’m a woman in love and I love what’s goin’ through me.

PA: Didn’t have to keep it/Wouldn’t put you through it/You could have swept it from you life/But you wouldn’t do it, no, you wouldn’t do it.

CDB: Actually – 

PA:  Thank you.  I’m here all week people.  Remember to tip your waitress and drive home safely.

[Paul Anka leaves]

MI: What the hell just happened?

CDB:  Oh that always happens every time I use the word “seed” in a sentence.  He pops out of nowhere and starts singing. He’s Canadian you know.

MI: Let’s move along.

CDB:  Don’t tell Paul but that part where he sings “You could have swept it from your life”? Well, I almost did.  Still think about it.  I mean there are so many easy ways to do it.  Drop them in the garbage.  Leave them in oven.  Throw them off your balcony.  This can all be done before you go to work and need not interfere with your career.  You can even do it in a pants suit.

MI:  This interview is over.  

CDB:  Are there any WNBA games on tonight.  I like watching them.  It makes me hearken back to my lesbian youth.

MI:  You’re insane.

CDB: I almost forgot to mention.  Try having your limo driver take the baby upstate and bury it.  That works sometimes.  You have to pay them extra but it’s worth it.

MI: Goodbye.

I suppose it could be worse.  Her husband could have been elected in a landslide and now feels like he can do anything he wants like ban carriage rides in Central Park.  Ah f*ck………..



1 Comment

One Response

  1. Petermc3 says:

    A Pygmy black women and Paul Anka having a sing along in the same column. MI you being one crazy dude mon and we be lovin’ it.

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