Yes I exist and Manhattan Infidel will now prove it.

Being a blogger I make it a point to concern myself with questions such as does God exist?  Can his existence be proven or inferred?  Did the delivery boy urinate in my Pepsi? I’ve bought this woman four drinks.  Why hasn’t she agreed to sleep with me?

Today I will concern myself with the question of God’s existence.  I will prove that God exists, and I shall show that popular supermodel Kate Upton is in fact God.

The Argument of the Unmoved Mover 

It is certain and evident to our senses that certain things are in motion.  Now whatever is in motion is put in motion by another.  It is therefore impossible that in the same respect and in the same way a thing should be both mover and moved, i.e. that it should move itself. Therefore, whatever is in motion must be put in motion by another. If that by which it is put in motion be itself put in motion, then this also must needs be put in motion by another, and that by another again. But this cannot go on to infinity, because then there would be no first mover. The first mover would be the most excellent and powerful.  Pure essence. And this first mover is Kate Upton’s breasts.

Look at my breasts and believe!

The Argument of the First Cause

It is apparent that some things are caused.  Everything that is caused is caused by something else.  There is no case known (neither is it, indeed, possible) in which a thing is found to be the efficient cause of itself; for so it would be prior to itself.   Now to take away the cause is to take away the effect.  There must be a first cause.  An uncaused cause of all that is caused.  This uncaused cause will be most perfect and responsible for all other causes. And this first cause is Kate Upton’s breasts.

Look at my breasts and believe

The Argument of Contingency

The third way is taken from possibility and necessity. We find in nature things that are possible to be and not to be.  But much like my hairline, it is impossible for these always to exist,  for that which is possible not to be at some time is not.  I will use Ben Affleck as an example of contingency.  He exists.  But it is not necessary that he exists.  Indeed, anyone who has seen Gigli or Daredevil will find himself asking, “If it is possible for Ben Affleck not to exist, please make it soon.”  Not all things are possible but there must exist something the existence of which is truly necessary.  And this necessary cause is Kate Upton’s breasts.

Look at my breasts and believe

The Argument from Degree

The fourth way is taken from the gradation to be found in things. Among beings there are some more and some less good, true, noble and the like.  In order from the less good to the most good I will use the following:  

• Zeppo Marx – obviously a lesser good. A very very very lesser good.  Probably not necessary at all.
• The last four years of the X Files –   A lesser good but no Zeppo Marx.  Semi-necessary since I currently use DVDs of the last four years of the X Files as a paperweight.
• Paul McCartney and Wings –  Cannot be used as a paperweight but Junior’s Farm rocked.
• MacGyver –  Yes, a fictional character. But also good, true and noble.  If MacGyver had been stranded on Gilligan’s island he would have found a way to rescue the castaways.

And finally, the summit of existence, the most true and noble and necessary.  And this is Kate Upton’s breasts.

Look at my breasts and believe

The Argument from Design

All natural bodies follow laws of conduct.  Laws of conduct are characteristic of intelligence.   Therefore there exists an intelligent being that created the laws for all natural bodies.  A benevolent intelligent being who wants us to be happy.  And this benevolent intelligent being is Kate Upton’s breasts.

Look at my breasts and believe

So readers, look at Kate Upton’s breasts.  And believe.

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