Booooooooooring!

As anyone who has been kicked out of their favorite bar recently by tons of Eurotrash knows, the so-called “World Cup” is currently being played in the slums of Rio de Janeiro.  (And much thanks to the homeless who graciously agreed to be moved so that the stadiums could be built.) While Manhattan Infidel finds soccer to be about as exciting as masturbating while reading Ladies Home Journal, my duty as a member of the MSM compels me to present the Manhattan Infidel Guide to the World Cup™.

• What is the World Cup?

The World Cup is an event that happens every four years (or it might be six or eight I really couldn’t give a shit).  It is run by FIFA.

• What is FIFA?

It is an organization so profoundly corrupt it makes the United Nations envious.

• I heard that the World Cup is a sporting event.  What game do they play?

There seems to be some confusion at to this.  I hear they play football, though I briefly checked out six minutes of a game (what they call a “match“) and didn’t see one shoulder pad or attractive yet clueless female reporter on the sidelines.  There was no halftime (how am I supposed to hit the can?) nor were there lesbian strippers acting as cheerleaders.  In fact the game, if you can call it that, involved men kicking a round ball across a field until one player came within five feet of another player, allowing both players to collapse on the field faking injuries.

• I am an American who has many European friends.  I like watching these matches with my friends.

You make me sick you maggot.

• No seriously.  Europeans are so sophisticated and intelligent, not like Americans who are stupid cowboys.

It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress.

• Are there any special traditions about the World Cup I can participate in?

I’m glad you mentioned that.  There are in fact many time-honored traditions that soccer lovers engage in.

• Wow!  What are these?  Are they easy to do?  Can I as an American learn how to participate in these time-honored traditions?

Yes  First, wear a “football” jersey such as the one seen here.

This match is so exciting. Do you want to have sex with me?

As an added bonus, wearing a “football” jersey also acts a signal that you wish to engage in homosexual activity with an Eastern European.

• So that’s it?  All I have to do is wear a “football” jersey and engage in homosexual activity?

If only.  There is more to watching the World Cup than that.  You must also consume copious amounts of alcohol, fight with strangers and pass out in a puddle of your own vomit.

• But I already do that every Saturday night.

Then you’re halfway there.  There is only one thing more that you have to do.

• I’m listening.  But can you make this quick.  I’m about to have a homosexual encounter with a Croatian.

I’ll try to make this quick, just as the Croatian will say just before he does that thing in your mouth he said he wouldn’t.  You will need to yell racial slurs at any “football” player who isn’t white.

• Racial slurs?  But I’m a progressive liberal Democrat.  I reserve my racial slurs for the Irish!

That’s a start. But you need to dig deeper. From observing World Cup fans I’ve found that  “Look at the f*cking gorilla on the field” is a good way to break the racial slur ice.

• Thanks.  You’ve given me so much good advice.  Is there anything else I should know?

Yes. Get the f*ck out of my bar.  I want to watch a baseball game.

And there you have it readers.  Enjoy the World Cup.

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