I am not an animal! I work for CNN!

John Merrick, best known as the so-called “Elephant Man” was hired hired by the CNN cable network.

“CNN is proud of its history of tolerance and inclusion” said CNN’s head of Human Resources.

We hired blacks back in the 1980s, way before it became fashionable.  We have hired women like Erin Burnett. We have hired homosexuals like Anderson Cooper. The next logical step was to hire a severely disfigured bad ass ugly son of a bitch. Nikki Sixx was unavailable but we lucked into Merrick. CNN is proud to smash the stereotype that says you have to be good looking to work in television. Now if we can only find a severely disfigured homosexual.  We’ve talked to Anderson Cooper about maybe crashing his car into a wall or being hit with a ton of bricks but so far he’s reluctant to do it.  No worries.  We’ll continue working on him.

Merrick’s new program, “Politics with the Elephant Man” debuted to solid ratings, though the first show was not without its share of glitches.

“Naturally he requires a lot of makeup.  Lots of makeup” said a person affiliated with the show.

He kept asking if this makeup would bring out his “good side.”  Naturally I assumed he was joking so I said “You don’t have a good side you freak!”  He took that pretty badly.  I was just joking but he started to cry and said, “I must have been a great disappointment to my mother.”  Great. So we have an ugly freak who’s a momma’s boy.  He better get good ratings.

In addition to his backstage makeup problems, Merrick also had difficulty with his microphone during his show.

The damn thing kept popping out of his ear.  I think it was his ear.  But whatever I stuck it in it kept popping out.  This is live television and it’s just awkward for the host to look into the camera and say “My earpiece popped out.  I can’t hear anything.”

There was also an embarrassing moment during the “Point-Counterpoint” segment when a guest disagreed with Merrick and called him “A damn animal!”

A stunned Merrick started to cry and shouted “I am not an animal! I am a human being! “

Perhaps because of the problems with the first show, Politics with the Elephant Man  has been put on haitus while the kinks are worked out.

The first thing we are going to do is rename the show. The title Politics with the Elephant Man just confused people.  They thought it was a Republican show or perhaps a show hosted by Timothy Olyphant, who is neither a homosexual nor disfigured and as such not what we are looking for.  If we can’t retool the show we can continue working on Anderson Cooper.

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Popular homosexual and CNN anchor Anderson Cooper has been severely disfigured after his car crashed into a wall.  Eyewitnesses report that the car appeared to be out of control and Cooper could be heard screaming “Someone has tampered with the brakes!” before the crash.

After the crash Cooper got out of the car and appeared to be unhurt.  It was at this point that several burly men wearing “CNN” windbreakers started pummeling Cooper with bricks.

“Strangest thing I’ve ever seen” said a witness.

(447)