Draft Message From the Internal Revenue Service’s General Counsel

Yeah we lost the email, capish.  Now why don't you behave yourself before something happens to you!

Yeah we lost the emails, Capish. Now why don’t you behave yourself before something happens to you!

Using my god-given investigate skills I was able to obtain a draft of this yet-to-be-released memo to all IRS employees from their lead counsel.  It is my hope that this document will help us make light of the recent scandals involving the organization:

As you may know this has been a rough year for the Internal Revenue Service.  First we were accused of  targeting conservative groups.  This is false. Sort of true. Technically accurate. We put the smack down on them!  And why shouldn’t we have done so?  Frankly these groups who are pro-freedom are a threat to our existence. The sixteenth amendment wasn’t passed just to allow us to stand by and let our power slip from our hands at the urging of certain so-called Tea Party groups. Paying taxes is a sacred duty all Americans must abide by.  Government of the bureaucrat by the bureaucrat and for the bureaucrat means more money for redistribution.  And that is a good thing. 

So the next time you are walking down the street and some right-winger accosts you and says, “Why are you targeting us?” simply reply “I work for the government.  I am not answerable to you!”  Then walk away.  Let the little person wallow in their littleness.

If you are called to testify before congress as to alleged harassment putting the smack down on tea baggers, do not panic.  Remember as long as a Democrat (who can be relied upon to share our faith in redistribution of wealth) is in the White House the press will not pursue the story.  The public will quickly bore of these “phony scandals” and will ask the Republicans to stop their partisan hatred.  (It works every time.)

Secondly, if you are unfortunate enough to have your emails subpoenaed, do not worry.  We have engaged the top I.T. professionals in their field who are hard at work losing your data. 

As I write this Operation “Implausible Story” is in full swing. Under implausible story if and when you are subpoenaed a computer technician will open up your PC, smash the hard drive with a hammer and then close it.  Magically your computer will appear to have crashed.  “These things happen” as Lois Lerner might say.

Not only will your hard drive be wiped out but under the protocols of Implausible Story all backups of your emails on our servers will be erased.

But you may say, “No one will believe that.”  

That’s why all our computers run on Windows 8.  Windows 8 is our “race card” so to speak.  Once Windows 8 is mentioned the committee members you are testifying in front of will have no choice but to throw their hands up and say, “Windows 8?  Why didn’t you say so in the first place.  Now we believe you.”

Note:  It has come to our attention that some employees are still using Windows XP or Window 7. There is no need for concern.  Computer professionals armed with shotguns and scimitars will be visiting all branch offices destroying older equipment.

You know, by God, I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the bastards. We’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our Prius’s. We’re going to murder those lousy Tea Party bastards by the bushel.

Now, there’s one thing that you men, women and transgendered will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside (assuming your local municipality hasn’t banned fireplaces) with your gay grandson on your knee, and he asks you, “What did you do in the great moral war against the Tea Party?” you won’t have to say, “Well, I obeyed the Constitution.”

That is all.

Office of the General Counsel of the IRA IRS.

It all makes sense now.


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