No real bullets were used in today’s interpretive dance session

After watching the 70th anniversary of D-Day and the infamous interpretive dance of the event it got me to thinking.  Why this prejudice against the fine art of interpretive dance? The sight of hundreds of professional dancers pretending to land at Normandy and dodging fake bullets was profoundly moving.  In fact, I, the Manhattan Infidel, hasn’t been so profoundly moved since the the last time I accidentally overdosed on laxatives.

Anyway, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  The glory of interpretative dance.  Why not use it to celebrate every major event in our history?  With that in mind I’d like to provide a few examples of what History Through Interpretive Dance™ might look like.

President Kennedy’s assassination

First Announcer: Welcome to the anniversary celebration of President Kennedy’s assassination.  The crowd is gathered in anticipation of today’s ceremony.  The highlight will be an interpretive dance of the event.

Second Announcer: Indeed.  As you know they spent lots of time and money on the prosthetic head that the actor playing President Kennedy will wear.

First Announcer:  It’s simple professionalism.  And here comes the limo now  I can see the actor playing President Kennedy.

Second Announcer: And there is the actor portraying Lee Harvey Oswald.  He is lifting his imaginary rifle, or I should say, interpretating holding a rifle.

First Announcer: And he’s pretending to shoot!

Second Announcer: The actor playing Kennedy is slumping forward.  

First Announcer: And there goes the prosthetic. Look at that spray!

Second Announcer: It’s a miracle of Hollywood.  It really looks like brain matter.

First Announcer: I don’t know how they do it.

Second Announcer: I’ve been told they used a combination of string cheese, hamburger and Sriracha sauce.

First Announcer: And look at the actress portraying Jackie.  She really looks like she’s trying to pick her husband’s brains off the trunk of the car.

Second Announce: She must be a method actress.

Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinksy

First Announcer: Welcome to the interpretative dance commemoration of MonicaGate.  And here come the two actors now.

Second Announcer: Wow. The actor portraying Bill Clinton really looks horny.  Just look at the way he keeps motioning to his groin.

First Announcer: And down come the pants.  In slow motion.  

Second Announcer: Obviously they are taking some artistic license here. 

First Announcer: True.  I doubt in the original event the pants took so long to come down.

Second Announcer: The actress portraying Monica is accepting a cigar from Clinton.

First Announcer: I wonder if they are using a real cigar.

Second Announcer: I don’t know.  But it sure looks real.  Kudos to the prop department.

First Announcer: Now she’s on her knees.

Second Announcer: The crowd loves it.  They are chanting, “Suck!  Suck!  Suck!”

First Announcer: Do you know what they will be using to simulate the stain on the blue dress?

Second Announcer:  I believe they are using hair conditioner mixed with soap.

First Announcer: Really?

Second Announcer: It’s for the sake of viscosity.

First Announcer:  And now he’s telling her that he’ll give her a call.

Second Announcer:  She looks like she’s buying it.

First Announcer:  Well he’s the President.   Why wouldn’t she?

Second Announcer:  And here comes the actress portraying Hillary.  

First Announcer:  She looks angry.  But not with Bill.  She’s angry at Monica.

Second Announcer:  Well, Hillary is a feminist and as such has to stand by her man.

I for one would like to see more historical events portrayed through the majesty and glory of interpretative dance.

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