“I lost the election because Steve Banyon was sucking his own c*ck” ~ Hillary Clinto

Friday night in Da Bronx

On a muggy Friday night in da Bronx the resurgent Yankees, winners of eight of their last ten took on the Tampa Bay Rays.  The Yankees started Masahiro “Don’t kill my family” Tanaka (8-9 5.09) and Tampa Bay Austin Pruitt (5-2 6.63).

Before the game I had a chance to sit down with Tanaka, our reputed ace.  He hasn’t pitched that well this season. We had a frank discussion of what is expected. It went something like this:

MI:  Mashiro you’ve sucked this season.

MT: I feel much shame. What can I do?

MI: I have nukes.  You had better pitch like an ace or Hiroshima gets bombed. Again!

MT: You cruel heartless bastard!

Masahiro took our little talk to heart as he lasted eight innings, struck out 14 and allowed only 2 hits. What can I say?  Fear is a very powerful motivator.

After Tanaka struck out the side in the top of the first the Yankees got on the board when Brett Gardner led off the bottom of the inning with a home run into the Yankee bullpen.  1-o Yankees after one.

In the bottom of the fourth Aaron Judge homered.  This home run traveled a measly 346 feet. The man must be running out of steam.  2-0 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the fifth Clint “Evil Ginger” Frazier (pictured here)

The evil ginger!

hit a three-run shot.  5-0 Yankees after five.

In the top of the seventh Tanaka gave up his only run (and second hit) when recently-acquired former Met Lucas Duda homered.  5-1 Yankees after 6 1/2

The Yankees scored one last time in the eighth when Didi Gregorious singled home Brett Gardner.  6-1 Yankees after eight.

Former and perhaps future Yankee closer who was recently acquired from the White Sox, David Robertson pitched the ninth.

Final score:  Yankees 6 Tampa Bay 1.

Notes on the game:

As stated before, our reputed ace Tanaka has pitched ineffectively this year. He has shown signs of brilliance but for the most part has failed in the clutch. Much like me when I do not take my Viagra (unsafe drop in blood pressure from taking nitrates for chest pain be damned!).

However I think our talk before the game straightened him out. In the clubhouse after the game reporters wanted to ask about his 14 strikeouts. All Tanaka wanted to know was if Hiroshima was safe.  I showed him a photo of a nuked Hiroshima from 1945 and he started crying.  I then told him that if he didn’t pitch well in his next start I’d nuke Nagasaki. And Dallas, Texas.

“But why?” Tanaka asked.  “Dallas is part of the United States.”

In baseball, as in life, one must do one’s duty no matter how painful it may appear to be.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Anthony Scaramucci said that Steve Banyon sucks his own c*ck and now I can’t get that image out of my head” didn’t fire up the crowd. I guess they just doesn’t care about politics.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes “My healthcare costs keep rising and if I don’t buy Obamacare I get fined, or taxed, or whatever the hell you call it.”

You disgust me you deplorable.  Socialism is a compassionate system that allows us to make economic progress.

C.H.E. of the state that looks likes a droopy penis (aka Florida) writes, “I have dreams about Pete Best that are sexually suggestive.”

Let me guess. He leaves just when things are starting to take off.

M.P., the  Confederate spy, or perhaps double agent, formerly of Maryland but hiding out in New York so her former spy compatriots do not find her, writes, “Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.”

Um  What? Is this code?  I guess it’s spy stuff that is above my head.

Recommended reading material:

Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

My record is 5-4 this year. My next game is Tuesday August 1st against the Detroit Tigers.

Go Yankees!

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