Troubling signs of lack of unity have begun to appear in the Democratic Party’s much-coveted constituency of LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES (Lesbian, gay, bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Non Binary, Non Cis Gender,Lactose Intolerant, Gluten Intolerant, Peanut Butter Allergy suffering, Esperanto Speaking) constituency with many members of the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES community beginning to argue among themselves and question common goals. Indeed some in the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES are even going so far as to ask if they should abandon the Democratic party altogether.
“As a gay, nonbinary, non cisgender peanut butter allergy person I question whether those who suffer from gluten intolerance know our struggle” said a speaker at the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES conference.
I became “woked” in college when I realized that my gluten intolerance was oppressing me. I felt pain. I could not do the things I went to college for: partying, doing drugs and sleeping with coeds. I withdrew but eventually I used my gluten intolerance as my badge of honor. Only the Democratic party and their lesbian, gay, transgender, queer, non binary and non cisgender allies welcomed me. Republicans? Those gluten eating bastards hated me. So I became a loyal Democrat. But now? Do those with peanut butter allergies really understand my struggle, which is real by the way. I call for the exclusion of those with peanut butter allergies from the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES alliance and that we be called the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIES alliance!
The proposal to break up the LGBTQNBNCGLIGIPBAES alliance, while controversial, was not without its supporters. A prominent Esperanto speaker spoke next to give his support.
“Many of us in the queer Esperanto speaking community disdain peanut butter and have no use for it or those who eat it “ he said to applause.
I am queer. And I speak Esperanto. That is my identity. And while I try to be tolerant of other lifestyles I draw the line at peanut butter eaters. Allergies or no. What does peanut butter go on? Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And what does a peanut butter and jelly sandwich symbolize? It symbolizes white, ciscgender hetero oppression. It symbolizes alt-right nationalism and white supremacy. And I didn’t become a queer, Esperanto-speaking Democrat just so I could support America!
It was at this point that a queer transgender peanut butter allergy sufferer got up in his seat and accused the two previous speakers of “fomenting hatred and cisgenderism” and invited all conference attendees to “spread peanut butter on my dick and suck it!”
What happened next had to be reconstructed from the available surviving security footage but apparently the invitation to “spread peanut butter and suck it” was the flash point that started a brawl.
Queers got into fistfights with transgenders. Lesbians beat up bisexuals who then beat up gays. One pre-op transgender repeatedly punched himself in the groin while shouting “My genitalia does not define me!” H/she was then beaten by a post-op transgender enraged by h/she’s external genitalia.
When the fight was over the fissure in the Democratic Party’s alliance became a fracture.
Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) appealed for calm.
“Let us remember who the real enemy is – the orange one, Donald Trump!”
He was then beaten by a member of the orange, queer, transgender, lactose intolerant alliance.