With glaciers rapidly receding the Caveman Environmental Protection Agency (“CEPA“) has announced new regulations on fire, the recently discovered fuel source that has become popular.
“All we have to do is look out our caves and see the evidence” said the head of the CEPA.
Every day the glaciers retreat more and more. It’s almost at the point where we can’t be crushed by ice anymore. I don’t have to tell you that being crushed under the weight of advancing glaciers is a tradition we hold sacred. It also holds down population growth so our resources don’t become scarce. Our glaciers are disappearing and our way of life is being threatened. We see things we never have seen before like grass and flowers. Temperatures are rising. Some of us are getting sunburned. Sunburned! What are we? Italian? We never had that problem when we had glaciers.
While there are many theories as to why the climate is changing all agree that the cavemen must in some way be responsible.
It is no coincidence that our climate started changing right after fire was discovered. Now no one is denying the many benefits of fire. It keeps us warm at night and being able to cook our meat is helping our teeth. But are these short-term benefits worth the destruction of our way of life? I say no. And every right-thinking caveman thinks the same way.
To keep the Earth from warming and glaciers from becoming a thing of the past, fire will be strictly controlled by the CEPA.
Among the new regulations are limits on how long fire can be used and the intensity of the fire.
Cavemen who persist in using fire for more than 15 minutes will be fined. There will also be a limit on the number of sticks they can throw on their fire. We will also be encouraging our cavemen to use the planet’s resources responsibly. Cavemen who buy carbon credits will get their taxes reduced. By doing this we hope to save our rapidly warming planet.
In addition to the regulations on fire, the cult of the glacier will be encouraged by the State.
Every culture, to survive, needs a belief system. We have not been making the glacier gods happy with our conduct. From now on all cavemen shall offer cavemen sacrifices to the glaciers. We encourage our people to go out and get crushed in the ice. If we do this the glaciers will be happy and stop retreating. The science is settled on this people!
Those who refuse to worship the State-sanctioned glacier cult shall be forced to leave Cro-magnon territory and move to less desirable neanderthal neighborhoods.
“Let’s see how long they like living there. They’ll come back begging to offer sacrifices.”